Yuri Cunha

Two blog posts in the same week… this is the first time this has happened - maybe this is cool or good? I believe everyone here must know what depression is, right? Well, if you don’t know, you can [click here](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=depression+mood) and read more about it… Well, what probably some people don’t know is that there is chronic depression, meaning no matter how much you try to improve, change, take medication, find hobbies, or whatever the attempt may be; you will die with depression. And I’ve had it since I was 16, but I’m not going to tell you my age, right (I’m in my 20s, lol). In the past, I have tried to kill myself, but I was saved by a guy who is a great friend, and at the time, I went to live at his house, to be away from everything and everyone, with my phone turned off, just studying 5/6 hours a day, creating random physical projects, and working… this somehow helped me, and I kept going with life, but in the last 2/3 months, I tried to kill myself twice again and there’s something I need to say; it hurts. One thing many people think about those who kill themselves, especially due to depression, is that the person died because they were very sad or because they were very upset, but the greatest pain they felt was when they tried to kill themselves, because it is a very painful process… you try to hurt yourself more and more, feeling the pain you are causing yourself. If you think about it, when a person hurts another with words, physical or psychological pain, the one who hurt did it, even at the moment, they didn’t feel the pain, but hurting yourself, getting weaker and weaker, feeling unbearable pain, is something you really need to have strength for or go as far as your strength can take you and… well, the rest you can imagine. The point here is that yesterday I was with my mind in the clouds and I thought of a phrase that made total sense in my head, which would be “I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to end,” followed by “I’m not a bad person, I just made bad choices.” Maybe these phrases make sense to you in various ways - or maybe not, but they made sense to me. I really don’t want to die, I just want all this pain to end. Even saying this scares me. It scares me because many people may not realize it, but when you are hurting yourself, people who like you (if they really like you) are also hurt, and just like you - or me -, they also get exhausted, sad, and cry because of the accumulation of everything. Having said everything I’ve said so far, there’s a phrase my psychologist told me that still sticks in my head, which is “sometimes I don’t know why you seek me out, Yuri” and continued with “you can read people, understand and comprehend the best and worst in them, like a Rubik’s cube, which I’ve seen you solve in less than 60 seconds,” and concluded with “but you can’t understand what’s going on inside you, and you also exclude me and exclude other people who are trying to help you”… she’s not wrong, I really can understand people based on their body language, and even in conversation, and this must be one of the reasons why many people like to have serious conversations with me, but when it comes to understanding what I feel based on the origin of my depression, I simply go blind, lose my way, and everything seems to make no sense… and the worst part is, I can’t bring this to people, even those who are close, and, of course, there’s a reason for this, and the reason is that when I tried to open up to people besides the great friend mentioned earlier, basically almost everyone disappeared, avoided me, or changed the subject as if what I felt was superficial. So, someone who was already closed off became even more closed off. I wanted to say that I can handle my loneliness, but if I could, I wouldn’t have tried to do so much crap to myself, right? Right. But thinking about it, years have passed since this recent suicide attempt, so I’m probably managing/mediating/balancing my depression. Maybe it’s not ideal, but it’s a big progress, and every small step should be celebrated. And… As I reflect on my journey, I realize that every day is a battle, but it’s also an opportunity. An opportunity to find moments of joy, to connect with others, and to discover new strengths within myself. It’s not easy, and there are days when the darkness feels overwhelming, but I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask for help and to lean on those who care about me. One thing that has helped me immensely is finding a creative outlet. Whether it’s contributing to open-source projects, coding, setting up servers, or writing, expressing myself through these activities has been a powerful way to process my emotions and to find a sense of peace. It’s a reminder that even in the midst of pain, there is beauty to be found. I’ve also started taking long walks without a specific destination, just wandering aimlessly. These walks, accompanied by music, have become a form of meditation for me. They help me clear my mind and feel more grounded. It’s a small but significant step towards healing. Another important lesson I’ve learned is the value of self-compassion. It’s easy to be hard on myself, to feel guilty for my struggles, and to believe that I’m not worthy of love and support. But I’ve come to understand that being kind to myself is crucial. I deserve the same compassion and understanding that I would offer to a friend. To anyone reading this who may be going through a similar experience, I want you to know that you are not alone. Your pain is real, and it’s valid, but so is your strength. It’s okay to have bad days, and it’s okay to reach out for help. There is no shame in seeking support, whether it’s from friends, family, or a mental health professional. Remember that healing is not a linear process. There will be ups and downs, but every step forward, no matter how small, is progress. Celebrate your victories, no matter how minor they may seem, and be gentle with yourself on the tough days. In closing, I want to leave you with a quote that has resonated with me: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” - Rumi. It’s a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there is hope and the possibility of healing. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can help others feel less alone and more understood. Together or alone, we can find the strength to keep moving forward, one day at a time. This time I just wanted to share this outburst and leave this incredible phrase that I said before, but I will repeat: “I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to end.” --- There’s something I would like to say, which is a simple but sincere thank you. When I come here to Bear, I always search for my name or the link to my blog (the one you are reading now), and I always see amazing posts about views or ideas that are divergent or similar to mine, and they are all incredible reads! So, thank you [Zoeloukia](https://zoeloukia.bearblog.dev/were-just-as-wonderful-as-we-always-were), [PJ](https://pj.bearblog.dev/it-doesnt-have-to-be-one-or-the-other), [Rimarin](https://rimarin.bearblog.dev/links), [Anton](https://anton.earth/social-media-crisis), and my favorite bear-girl, [Coco](https://coco-fraise.bearblog.dev/on-having-outgrown-a-city). ---

I'm not exactly sure where or how to start this article, or even if I should call it an article, despite being a blog post... In the early hours of the morning today, I went out to smoke a cigarette, and as always, I found myself pondering about the things in my world. I call it my world because I don't tend to encompass everything that happens in my life. If something isn't directly related to me or doesn't interfere with my life, I usually ignore it. While I was smoking, I was thinking that, despite having few friends (three, to be precise – I didn't even need to count), I am fortunate to have them. Since the beginning of 2022, it has become increasingly challenging to want to be alive or to want to do anything. Perhaps it's because I failed in some areas of my life where I aimed for success, or simply because I didn't achieve what I wanted. But it's not that I've given up because in everything I failed at or didn't do, I intend to try again or start over. After all, I already know where or how I went wrong; I just need to fix it or begin anew and do better/differently. The craziest part of all this is that every time something doesn't go well or doesn't work out, these three friends of mine have always been there. I'm not a person who spends a lot of time with family or the like, partly because I barely talk to them or see them. I also don't particularly enjoy family gatherings or celebratory occasions like birthdays and the like. And being an atheist, I don't celebrate religious holidays either. Being an atheist, it seems that people see me as a bad guy, morally deficient, or completely wrong – it's quite amusing, actually. Even after saying all this, there are things that just seem like madness, you know, like most people praising me too much, saying I'm very intelligent, knowledgeable in various subjects, and able to explain many things. But this isn't about intelligence; it's because I've taken so many courses (I've passed 100 – congratulations to me), read so many books (I don't like ebooks), and seen so much that I simply learn/learned from it. It's amazing, you know? It's crazy to go to a place or even some social gathering (even if I don't enjoy it) and see people's eyes light up when they discuss a subject, and I start delving into the details, mentioning references and even showing where those references can be found. It's simply rewarding. But the flip side of the coin also reveals itself because when the conversation ends or the person leaves, the lightness turns into heaviness or exhaustion, and my social battery is drained. Can you understand how insane that sounds? Now, switching topics a bit, one of the three friends I mentioned, in this case, Lucas, whom I've known for 11/12 years (a considerable amount of time), is someone I can have endless conversations with. We practically talk every day throughout all this time, and the craziest part is that Lucas is just like me. We don't keep saying that we like each other, but we share various similar ideas, even if we have different views on the same subject. This guy has been by my side in some pretty grim moments of my life, maybe even some dark times. As for another of my three friends, Vinicius (who is also my cousin), we don't talk every day, but this guy saved me from certain suicide, which was one of the darkest periods in my life. I even spent some time at his place. I needed to be alone, quiet, and, at most, have a conversation with someone. Of course, while I was there, I also went out with friends for drinks and outings, but the coolest part of it all was coming back and seeing one of my three brothers there, with me. And now there's the newest addition to my count of three friends, Vitor... an amazing guy with crazy ideas (reminds me of myself), another person who saved me from various situations and saved me from myself. We've spent hours on Discord, sometimes falling asleep in a call, just chatting or discussing something completely random. Hahahahahah. I don't need the world's approval, and I'm not afraid to speak honestly and directly to people. But with these guys, I'm a bit cautious. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of losing them in my life or if it's a fear of not having them around anymore. I don't know, but it's impossible for me to look to the side and imagine my life without these crazy people. I have few friends, but they are quality friends. Transitioning from one extreme to the other, whenever I stop to think (well, I think while being still, hehe), I reflect on how my blood family, who share my DNA, knows so little about me. I've done and am doing so many things that only one of my three best friends knows or that only I know. I could say, "I don't know the reason for this," but I do know: I don't want to share it with them. It's not that I don't want to share my life with my family, but I can't see myself doing it. I like being alone, being by myself. It's one of the reasons why I spend almost 24/7 with my headphones on and mostly on my computer. I read, study, take my courses, earn my money, talk to my best friends, and then I can just be quiet. Most people seem to want someone around or feel that if they're away from their family, they'll go crazy or just not feel right. But it doesn't work that way for me. If people don't talk to me, that's fine. If they do, that's fine too. As I mentioned before, I don't need approval or recognition. I like being this way. I have ideas and thoughts that, because they're not popular nowadays, most people think I'm radical. But they seem not to understand the difference between radical and what I want, just as they confuse indifference with apathy. I remember when my mom (actually my grandmother, but I call her mom) passed away, and people started wondering who would attend the funeral, who would speak or not, who didn't attend didn't care, and so on. But I think differently because each person has their way of dealing with grief. Some take time to understand, some don't want to accept, and some accept and move on, as in my case. But what people don't understand is that we all feel the same, but because we're more steadfast, we might end up crying alone, not in public. We are distant, and we like to be alone in these moments. When we see someone sad or crying, we hug the person or stay quiet because that's how we like it, and we tend to think that people like it that way too, even though we know that the person usually likes company. In that moment, we stay away because they might not want it at that time, so we keep to ourselves. Maybe the general societal mistake or the popular thoughts is assuming that we don't have feelings or don't think about things, but we do. Some show it less, some show it more, and we have thoughts, usually more rational and logical than those who are openly suffering. But our difference is that our minds aren't clouded and confused, or if they are, we're thinking about how to organize and do things based on logic and reason, not feelings and emotion. Well, that's it.

Semestre começando na faculdade e vários calouros com dúvidas no grupo do Telegram. Isso lembrou-me das minhas próprias dúvidas quando comecei a minha primeira graduação e das coisas que gostaria de saber naquela época. **1 - Inglês** A esmagadora maioria das documentações está em inglês e um site de tradução nem sempre irá te ajudar, em alguns casos ele irá traduzir termos técnicos que não deveriam ser traduzidos ou possuem outro significado fora do contexto de informática. - Ler em inglês: Ter uma boa leitura em inglês já é 50% do necessário. - Escrever em inglês: Vai te ajudar muito a tirar dúvidas em fóruns especializados (_stackoverflow_, _slack_, _mailing lists_) e entrar em contato com suporte de outras empresas (_Red Hat_, _Amazon_ e etc) - Conversação: Com certeza te abrirá mais portas de emprego, no Brasil, no exterior ou em _Home Office_. Se ainda estiver cético, nesse pequeno trecho que leu, foram 9 palavras em inglês. **2 - TI é tão vasto quanto medicina** Redes, middleware, analise de requisitos, DBA, AD, Ops, QA, Linux, Front end, back end, Java, Ruby, governança ... Não se prenda apenas aos mais famosos, suporte e desenvolvimento (não há nenhum problema com esses dois, claro), experimente um pouco de tudo, identifique-se com algum e se especialize. **3 - TI não é uma ciência exata** A afirmação parece absurda, mas quem ficou horas tentando resolver algum problema sem nenhum - aparente - erro lógico, sabe do que estou falando. Isso vai causar frustração em alguns casos, mas o ponto principal aqui é saber decidir quando descobrir a causa do problema é mais importante do que de fato resolvê-lo. **4 - Use o tutorial, mas leia a documentação** - 'como instalar o git' : 3.020.00 resultados no google - 'CRUD no php' : 7.530.000 resultados no google - 'Configurar NGINX' : 355.000 resultados no google Esses tutoriais (how to) são úteis, mas entender para que serve e como funciona é essencial quando precisar consertar algo ou fazer uma melhoria. **5 - Não tenha medo** Quando eu comecei em TI, tinha medo de instalar o Linux e não saber configurar ou resolver um problema. Tinha medo de tentar fazer algo e errar. É clichê, largamente difundido e estudado, papo de coach, eu sei, mas errar é essencial para o aprendizado. Hoje quando instalo ou configuro um sistema, quando crio uma pipeline, um script ou executo qualquer outra coisa e funciona na primeira tentativa, fico com uma pulga atrás da orelha achando que fiz algo errado e o problema só vai aparecer no futuro (e isso é bom pois me faz revisar tudo que fiz). O medo sempre vai aparecer diante do novo, do inesperado e nesses momento eu penso em uma frase que escutei de um colega de trabalho alguns anos atrás: > Não sei fazer, mas se tiver tempo, posso aprender. OBS: Se estiver fazendo algo com grande possibilidade de erro, dê preferência ao ambiente de desenvolvimento, ok? **6 - TI é uma ferramenta, use-a.** Passe uma semana criando um código para automatizar uma tarefa, mas não gaste 2 dias fazendo essa mesma tarefa manualmente. O tempo gasto a mais é facilmente compensado pelo que se aprendeu e pela possibilidade de executar essa mesma tarefa no futuro.

Two months ago my mind wasn't in the best shape. My thoughts were always drifting in different directions. When I woke up once, I immediately started to think about my daily agenda and how I should handle an important call at work. Even though I even prepared breakfast or brushed my teeth. My mind felt a little bit like a bar fight in a western movie. A scene of chaos, with things flying around in all directions. Something had to change. In the past, I made good experience with meditation. While I was studying I was introduced to meditation by listening to the Tim Ferris podcast. I hesitated at first. Meditation always appeared to me as something for monks, spiritual people and hippies. But when I started with practice it helped me to calm down from the hectic life a university student. When I had the feeling that I attained more calmness, I somehow stopped to meditate. Something I always wanted to try was the [Waking Up](https://www.wakingup.com) app by Sam Harris. Sam Harris is a philosopher, neuroscientist and host of the [Making Sense](https://samharris.org/podcast/) podcast. I always admired his way of speaking. He presents often complex topics in simple, yet powerful clarity. And someone who is able to speak clearly also thinks clearly. One can't go without the other. Sam Harris also has a lot of experience in speaking and writing, but he is also meditating for more than 30 years. That sparked my interest to take a look into his app and try out the introduction course for 50 days. In this article, I sum up some of my learnings and observations. ## 1. Ten minutes can go a long way As part of the introduction course, I always meditated for roughly ten minutes. Sometimes even that felt long and daunting. But most of the time, the sessions end quicker than I expected. For me, that timeframe, felt exactly right, because you can always squeeze in ten minutes. Even if you are busy with work, tired of sport or travelling for the whole day. ## 2. Meditating with the morning sun Meditating in the morning was the key for me to **stay consistent with the practice**. Not because the morning has a better effect per see. But I have the most control over how I spend my mornings and I can't say this about evenings. Sometimes I stay home and go to bed earlier, but on another day I could go out with friends and come back later in the night. Meditating in the mornings helped me to stick to daily habit and when I forget it in the morning, I was still able to do it throughout the day or in the evening. ## 3. You don't need a silent spot to meditate The meditations in the introduction course where guided meditation. Sam Harris provided clear instructions and often explained the reason behind the practice. But sometimes he spoke a lot and that made it harder for me to relax and meditate. In one of the lessons, he addressed this, because many students give him that feedback. He explains that meditation isn't something you should only do when you are in a quiet environment. Meditation is about being mindful and in the best case this is a state of living. Rather than a ten minutes window once a day. That made total sense for me and I started to **meditate in more lifelike environments**. Sometimes the dishwasher was going, the window was open. The challenge of staying undistracted in loud environments was a great challenge to practice mindfulness. ## 4. Who is the Thinker? Have you ever asked yourself if you can pick your next thought? Maybe you think this is a stupid question, but observe your mind for a minute. **If you are like me, thoughts often just appear.** Similar to how bubbles appear on the lake, thoughts appear in conscious. That's also why it's so hard to sit still and think about nothing for five minutes. It sounds simple, but in practice it's impossible. With effort you can keep your mind focused on the breath for 30 seconds, but once your attention slips your mind goes on a free ride. From there, thoughts will just appear in conscious. Maybe because you heard a familiar sound, or remembered to do something, but sometimes also completely randomly. Even if you tell yourself you are the thinker in your head, the reality tells a different story. ## 5. Quality of mind The most profound insight for me was that the quality of my mind is at the base of every experience I have and the contribution I make to the world. On days where I had a good meditation session, I felt more aware, productive and fulfilled. This was most visible at work, where I often was forced to listen carefully to clients and where everything has to make sense that I verbalise. Before meditating with Waking up, I sometimes zoned out of conversations, got distracted and felt guilty afterwards. Of course, this still happens. **Getting distracted is the natural state of the mind.** But now that I meditate frequently, it happens less and for me, this improved what Sam Harris often calls the quality of mind. ## What's next In the beginning, my mind was all over the place. But now I'm feeling much more mindful with my thoughts and experiences throughout the day. Meditating for the last 50 days showed me what difference it can make. Therefore I want to continue on the journey and go regularly to my mental fitness gym. Which for me means to sit down at the couch, drink a tea and do nothing for ten minutes per day. _PS: If you want to give the Waking up a try, here is an [invitation link](https://share.wakingup.com/327932) which will unlock the app for you for a month. I don't get anything for it, but as it was helpful for me, so can it be for you._

Tools come and go. But some things just stick. In the list below I grouped all the tools that I use for work and at home. If you have questions about anything on this list, feel free to [message me](mailto:[email protected]). ## Productivity **[Alfred](https://www.alfredapp.com/)** Spotlight on steroids. I use Alfred at least 20 times per day to open apps, access my clipboard, and start small workflows (e.g refresh my Wi-Fi). I happily paid for the Powerpack and recommend Alfred to everyone who works on a mac. **[Dynalist](https://dynalist.io/)** Dynalist lets you outline everything that crosses your mind. Think bullet-points where you can go as deep as you want and any bullet-point can be seen as an individual page. I use it as my note-taking app, occasional journal and for writing. **[Tripmode](https://www.tripmode.ch/)** I was always afraid to use too much data when I worked on my hotspot. Not anymore. With Tripmode I can easily manage which apps have internet access and see how much I used in one session. **[Rescuetime](https://www.rescuetime.com/)** Rescuetime runs in the background on my Mac and Android and tracks my screen time. I'm often too afraid to look into the statistics. The calendar integration is great for a quick overview. **[LastPass](https://www.lastpass.com/)** LastPass is the biggest time saver. I use it both personally and at work to manage passwords, and store confidential data. (e.g social identification number). I would be completely lost without this app. ## Design **[SIP](https://sipapp.io/)** SIP is a beautiful color picker. I only use the colour picker feature, but the rest of the app is pretty nice too. My custom shortcut is `⌥ + SHIFT + -`. **[Framer](https://www.framer.com/)** Framer lets you design and code in one project. This means that prototypes can use real data, be interactive and much more detailed. I find this extremely appealing and try to use Framer whenever I can. The only drawback at the moment is the missing web version. **[Figma](https://www.figma.com/)** Figma is the standard for collaborative design. It's intuitive to use, has a plugin ecosystem and the performance is unmatched. I use it when I need to work with other designers or developers in one file. **[Adobe Creative Cloud](https://www.adobe.com/creativecloud.html)** I share a monthly Adobe Cloud subscription with my girlfriend. The only apps I use are Lightroom, Photoshop and Illustrator. I think that most of the Adobe apps are clunky, too powerful and I tend to get frustrated working with them. **[Canva](https://www.canva.com/)** Canva is a simple but feature-rich web app for quick designs. There is a massive template library for every format you can think about. This makes it possible to quickly design something that just looks good. I use Canva for social media posts, print design and random things. ## Development **[VS Code](https://code.visualstudio.com/)** VS code became very popular when I started to code at the end of 2018. And that for a reason. The app is quick as a flash and offers many extensions by the community. I do all my coding in VS Code and have nothing to complain about. **[Netlify](https://www.netlify.com/)** I'm no expert when it comes to hosting and back-end topics. That's why I love Netlify. It just works and helps me to get back into what I feel comfortable with. I'm on the free tier and use Netlify for hosting my static projects. I also have a nice pair of socks by Netlify. **[Namecheap](https://www.namecheap.com/)** I bought my first domain with Namecheap and never made the switch. There is probably a better domain registrar out there, but I never took the courage to switch. If you think I need to make the jump, please write to me. **[GitHub](https://github.com/)** All of my code lives on GitHub. You can see the code for this website [here](https://github.com/wirtzdan/new-website). If you don't understand what's going on, feel free to write to me. I would be happy to help. **[iTerm 2](https://iterm2.com/)** I use iTerm as my terminal client in combination with zsh. I honestly have no clue why I need this other than that I have nice themes here. **[ImageOptim](https://imageoptim.com/mac)** ImageOptim is a hidden gem. The small app can easily bulk compress 100 images at once and often reduce file-size by half. I use it in combination with Preview to cut, scale and compress all of my images for web usage. ## Tech **[Peak Design Everyday Backpack](https://www.peakdesign.com/products/everyday-backpack)** Peak Design is one of the brands which I would jump into the fire with. I hesitated at first to buy the backpack, but it was worth every penny. I'm running around with this backpack every day and use it for work, travel, groceries, and photography. **[MacBook Pro (15-inch, 2017)](https://www.apple.com/shop/buy-mac/macbook-pro)** My on-the-go workstation and backpack companion. I spend the majority of my time with this device and love the convenience it gives me. Pricy, but worth the investment. **[Fujifilm X-T10](https://www.fujifilmusa.com/products/digital_cameras/x/fujifilm_x_t10/)** I have a special connection to this camera since I bought it at the beginning of university. It's small, clicky and always impresses me with the image quality. I constantly switch between two prime lenses (23mm F2 & 50mm F2). **[Magic Mouse 2](https://www.apple.com/de/shop/product/MLA02Z/A/magic-mouse-2-silber)** Apple Magic Mouse 2 that I snatched on eBay for 30€. Works like a charm on any surface. The only complain that I have is that it needs batteries. I often forget to pack an extra pack when I'm on the road. **[Ergonomic Laptop Stand](https://www.amazon.de/dp/B01N99IGMQ/ref=sr_1_5?crid=2XJA82MXCVRRC&keywords=mobiler+laptop+st%C3%A4nder&qid=1573384409&sprefix=mobile+laptop%2Caps%2C200&sr=8-5)** This is the smallest and most lightweight laptop stand that I found. Always attached to the side of my backpack and fast to set up. **[Logitech K380](https://www.logitech.com/en-us/product/multi-device-keyboard-k380)** This keyboard [fits perfectly](https://twitter.com/wirtzdan/status/1193482720615243776?s=19) into the top department of my backpack. That alone is very satisfying. In combination with my laptop-stand, mouse and backpack I have a very flexible workstation.