2026-04-12 04:57:00

Orgasms are great, genuinely one of the best feelings that I think we get to have.

Generally, this is achieved through masturbation or sex, and sometimes some of us might get them in our sleep.

I believe I've woken up post-orgasm once or twice in my life, but I've had many many dreams where I get extremely close. I've had several where I orgasm in the dream but not in real life, and in a way these in-dream orgasms are better than the real-life ones. At least in-the-moment, they are. The satisfaction is short lived, though, and the pleasure soon forgotten.

I've also come extremely close to orgasm several times in my life while awake, while hands-free. Let's not count the water-jet in the pool as a kid, even though that's technically hands-free. (and boy would I like a water jet lol those were so good but also that's super gross)

But I mean just through sheer will. I can't deny the possibility that my closeness came, in part, because of some friction or pressure from the blanket on top of me or underwear I was wearing.

I'm not sure the first time I came close just through will alone, but I do remember one instance, where I was sitting in the dark with my eyes closed. I wasn't dozed, but I wasn't fully there, either. And my little guy does what he sometimes does, spontaneously growing.

And of course that comes with a heightened awareness & a great deal of sensitivity. And boy, I tried to get there without touching it, but I was like 99% of the way there and then the pressure just faded, and the opportunity was lost.

In most of these almost moments, I switch to the usual method (though in this one case, I just gave up). But it's always so disappointing when I do. I go from that peak sensitivity and excitement into a frustrated need to orgasm, and the sensitivity fades, and then I have to go faster & maybe stir up some spicy thoughts.

And I guess it's not sheer will - there's also the flexing of the member itself, which is definitely part of the equation here.

My self-pleasure has pretty much always been very porn and fantasy heavy (depending on the day). But there are rare occasions, where I'm just present in my body. There's nothing, really, in my head. These are some of the best experiences, because I feel everything, much more thoroughly, and I'm not in a rush, I'm just enjoying the moment.

I'd like more of those moments - where it's just purely me with myself - no porn or fantasies with hotties. When I'm really in-tune with myself, there's the internal flexing too. It ceases to be just an activity of rubbing, and becomes something deeper - like I can feel the pressure inside my anus, even though I've put nothing inside my anus. (though sometimes I do and if you're a man, I suggest trying it, with plenty lube. It takes practice.)

It's odd to me that fantasy plays such a large role in something that seems to be a physical phenomena. But so too can you influence your body temperature through your thoughts - stir up some angry thoughts and you might notice yourself getting warmer. And sad thoughts can conjure up tears.

And perhaps if I want to get to the sheer-will-orgasm (I really want to get there), practicing the present-with-myself-orgasm is a good first step.

I also think meditation is part of it. Getting more in-tune with my mind & my body. Learning how to be less in-my-head and more in-the-moment. And, though this is generally not talked about in discussions of meditation, I believe it's a path to greater control over processes that are typically automatic or unintentional.

I don't see any reason why I can't have a sheer-will orgasm. It hasn't happened yet, but it's fun to try so why not go for it?

2026-04-12 04:50:00

When I started this book, I did not expect it to make my favorites list. I thought there was a pretty good chance I wouldn't even like it. I didn't check it out because of it's plot or the author or because it seemed interesting. I checked it out because it's on a shelf in front of one of my favorite spots to sit at my local library. My name is Reed, and this was called Reed's Promise, so after 3 or 4 weeks of it staring at me, I grabbed it.

So it's about Bill Reed (who is generally referred to as Reed, not as Bill), who, on the first page of the book, gets into a really bad motorcycle wreck. He loses one of his legs & it takes some time for him to recover.

His employee Irwin Barker finds him at his usual spot in the park - where he sits by a pond and gets drunk after he's finished his morning workouts. Irwin got a letter from John Boyd Reed - Bill's "retarded" cousin. The letter is cryptic, as his cousin has Down Syndrome and was trying to communicate something but did it with imagery rather than words.

So (Bill) Reed sets off on a quest to find out what's going on with his cousin, whom he hasn't seen for about 4 years. Johnny Boy's dad died a few years back, and he has no other family except Reed.

I don't want to spoil the plot, but we learn pretty early on that the institute where Johnny Boy is kept is ... very concerning. We learn this more quickly than Reed does.

So the book is basically about Reed trying to take care of his cousin when faced with an institution that wants to keep him out, in a small town that doesn't want him around.

This book reminded me of One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest - a book I read in high school but do not remember well. I didn't like Cuckoos Nest. I remember it being dark and depressing. THIS book is not just a depressing tale of people's time in the institution.

This book is a fairly easy read. None of the language is too complex, the story isn't hard to follow, the characters are not hard to keep track of. I like that the scenes are generally described with some detail and clarity, but also fairly simply. I've struggled with some other books that are too elaborate in their descriptions and vocabulary, and it can make it hard to picture things. That was no issue with this book.

But I think what really drives this book home for me is its attention to very human details. Here's one such passage:

Reed had been sitting for most of three hours, having stopped twice for gas. Now, suddenly upright, he felt the blood rushing into his stump. He grabbed the stump with his left hand, lifting at the hip, trying to keep the stump level, but it was too late. Phantom pain hit him, feeling as if someone had lashed his nonexistent left shin with barbed wire. He hissed and winced, pulling his stump higher, holding it up, trying to stop more blood from rushing into it. He sat back down in the drivers' seat, waiting for the weird pain in a non-existent part of his body to subside. He yearned to rub the shin that no longer existed. Instead he rubbed and massaged his stump. After about three minutes, as the circulation slowly returned to his stump, the pain ebbed away. Only then could he get upright on his crutches and retrieve his wheelchair and bag out of the trunk. Reed went through the routine of assembling the chair and gathering his belongings, intent on finishing before anyone else pulled into the parking lot.

I just really enjoyed this style. I connected with it. I understood it.

Now, the book isn't perfect by any means. It was published in 2001, and I'm not really sure what the culture around the word "retarded" was at that time, but I understand it to be insensitive today. It wasn't generally used in the book as anything negative - just the word that you used to describe such people.

It also did something that most books I've read by white people do (actually I'm just assuming John Clarkson is white. I don't know) - characters seem to be default white, and when a character is not white, the description is more race-based than visual. Reading books by black women taught me that there is really so much more to a person's appearance than being "Black" or "Mexican" or what have you. Like, duh. But I hadn't realized before how nice it is when a book actually describes someone's skin tone - something authors should do for white people too, because we also come in different shades and tones.

The book seems to take a good human position though. Nobody is painted as being lesser by the tone of the book. The BAD characters of course think the "retards" are barely human. But the book seems to view the patients at the institute - and Bill Reed, the cripple - as people deserving of care and wellbeing.

This author also describes people's body sizes, which I find a little ... I don't know. It sets a visual scene, and it doesn't seem to be judgemental or cruel, but it might skirt the line a little.

And there's a curious thing with the narration. The people at the institute call John Boyd Reed "Johnny Boy" and John Boyd does not like it. This is established early on. Reed does not use this nickname, and challenges the people who refer to him as "Johnny Boy". But also the narration generally refers to him as "Johnny Boy".

It's interesting, and I'm curious if the author intends some deeper meaning or reflection to this point, or if it's just ... a decision that had to be made, and it just landed the way it did.

There's also some romancing that I'm a bit critical of. But, ah well I'm done. I do love this book. It's not my favorite favorite by any means. But it is a favorite. My favorite favorites are all N.K. Jemisin books I love her go read her. (Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse is also close to the top)

Book Reviews

2026-04-10 10:04:00

For years, I've had 2 or 3 okay pairs with minor holes or damage, and then a friend bought me a couple really nice pair that I liked, but they squeeze my waist a little tight (something I'm very sensitive to) so they are comfy for labor & workouts but not for casual hangs.

This has meant an unexciting amount of smelling dirty undies to make sure I can wear them again.

I had backup undies... too small, or uncomfortable, or something. But like I said, I'm sensitive to sensory stuff so these just ... they weren't in rotation. And those two or 3 okay pairs continued deteriorating & are barely useable at this point (now they're my backups!)

WELL. My mom recently gave me $100 dedicated to just buying clothes for myself, and I spent about $20 on a 6-pack of undies from Walmart, then exchanged them twice to finally get some that were actually comfortable. (why did Large fruit of the looms squeeze me to death? XL George's were too large & XL Fruits were out of stock. Large George's were good so I landed on those.)

Finally, I washed them all yesterday. As I was folding them to put away, it just washed over me, the realization that this is the first time in years that I've felt like I had enough underwear.

It was a really nice feeling.

2026-04-08 15:17:17

You have a spatial sense, and when you hear a sound, you typically know where it is coming from. in front, behind, updown, leftright, whatever.

Well that same spatial sense seems to apply to thoughtspeak in my head. Typically, iiii THINK it's a vague spatial sense as if its just ... in my head.

But I was just meditating and I became acutely aware of that spatial sense. My eyes were closed, and so the ... space inside my head ... was larger than normal. Know what I mean?

Like normally, my inside-head-space is a small blip within the world around me. But my eyes are closed, and I'm breathing deeply, and that inside-head-space expands, and the outside world sort of shrinks away, falling beyond the horizon.

And then within that larger inside-head-space, I noticed some thoughts felt like they were located in different spots, different spots in a pseudo-physical space. They wiggled my spatial sense.

I'm really curious about this. I want to pay some attention to this, especially when meditating, at least sometimes.

Sidenote A: The meditations ask me to be aware of my thoughts. Today, I realized I want to be aware of the DRIVER of those thoughts. That little nagging sense at the base of my ... head? idk it's like they're BEHIND my thoughts, spatially, like toward the back of my head? Its weird. Anyway. I want to look past the thoughts and be aware of the feelings or internal activity or whatever the heck it is driving those thoughts. It's sort of a compulsive feeling.

Sidenote B: The guided meditations often ask me to notice thoughts or tensions in my body, to be aware of them & accept them, then gently move my attention back toward my breath. So rarely, if ever, do they ask me to be aware of ease in my body, or to be aware of silence in my mind. Sidenote B part 2: When there is silence in my mind and I am aware of it, this is true peace for me. It is generally short, fleeting, and rarely occurs in daily life. It is common during meditation.

2026-04-06 13:28:00

So I('m pretty sure) I figured out how to find a right triangle when all you have is a ruler or tape measure. There's easier ways - like grabbing something you already own that has a right triangle (such as a RULER! LOL). But what's more fun than figuring out math you don't really need? (I have a compass by the way LOL)

I was thinking about this because I did some woodworking today and made a shelf and I wanted (but didn't get) square corners.

The below picture can be used as a guide.

The black, red, and blue lines must all be the same length. We want to find the blue angle U, the red angle R, and the purple line length L (by measuring for L & using a triangle calculator for the angles).

For the version I did on paper, we get:

U = 71.96    (blue angle)  
R = 122.1    (red angle)  
L = 1.65     (purple line length)  

Now we want to find the length from P1 to X where <BAX is a right angle.

For this, we need to know how far each angle is from 90 degrees, and get the ratio O between those distances.

O = (R-90):(90-U)  
O = (122.1-90):(90-71.96) = (32.1):(18.04) = 18.04 / 32.1 = 0.5619937  
O ~= 0.56  

Since O>.5, this is the portion of the purple line that is covered by P2X, which yields:

P2X = O * L  
P2X = 0.56 * 1.65  
P2X = 0.924  

(if O<.5, we yield P1X)

Now, we draw a point along the purple line that is 0.924cm away from P2, and this point is X.

We draw a line from A to X. Now, BAX is a right triangle & <BAX is 90 degrees.

Original worksheet

This had some mistakes, and I scratched everything except the part along the bottom.

2026-04-06 05:11:00

See Some styles for expandable/collapsable content for first proposal

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