2026-06-29 00:29:00
Yesterday, I was listening to a podcast by Doctor Mike about transgender healthcare. It's excellent, and I highly recommend it.
But at one point, they're talking about the relationship between being autistic and being transgender. And the psychiatrist (who counsels transgender youth) uses the phrase
person with autism
...
I think this is supposed to be a thoughtful way of talking about people, of being people-first rather than diagnosis-first.
But iiiiii don't like it.
I don't like this perspective that autism is some kind of disease, that is some illness you "have". I prefer to think of it as, moreso, a different way of being.
I've heard (my view) described as the "social model of autism", and the more traditional understanding as the "medical model of autism".
...
My best friends all think I'm autistic. My therapists haven't. I think its reasonably likely.
I love spending time with friends. I can be quite social. But when I'm having my alone time, I like it to be largely uninterrupted. I don't want to be observed or talked to. I don't want to have to talk when I'm in my alone-time mode. But I cohabitate, so often times I do feel observed, and I do have to be a little "on" socially.
As much as I'd like to just relax about it and not care that another person is around ... I just feel tense, and on edge. I don't think its anything they're doing wrong. I think it is me. (and I wonder if I can improve my experience through therapy and meditation)
One of my best friends might say "it's common for autistic people to feel ..." as a way of letting me know that I'm not alone in this experience.
Another one of my best friends might say "You feel that way because you're autistic."
My other best friend likely wouldn't say much at all, except perhaps to give me some comfort for the fact that I'm feeling stressed about a thing.
Personally, I don't agree with the view that "You are [x way] because of [diagnosis]". I don't agree with that view when it comes to autism, and I have some resistance to it with things like depression, anxiety, ocd, too.
(sidenote: I have no resistance to it in an acute sense. Like "I'm having suicidal thoughts because I'm feeling depressed" or "I'm extremely anxious so I'm worrying about every little thing". Getting into this would be a whole 'nother blog post)
My view of it is more that "I am [this way] and a person who is [this way] is often described as [that thing]."
Typically I don't think of the THING as the cause, but merely as a label for a category of people.
So bringing this back around to where I started.
I don't like the phrase "person with autism." I'm quite sure other people will feel differently. I have a strong suspicion that many people with very high support needs feel like it is an affliction, not just a different way of being. I suspect many parents and family members view autism as an affliction, especially when their child has high support needs.
It's complicated, and I respect there are different views on this. I don't personally like the phrase. But I'm not really mad at the use of it, because switching to "autistic person" is probably going to rub other people the wrong way. Speaking in public sometimes is just a lose-lose situation, so whatever, it's not something I want to hold against anybody, regardless my feelings about the phrase.
But I personally prefer "autistic person" over "person with autism". I think in a lot of situations, especially for those of us with moderate to low support needs, the label is generally not even needed, and we can just be a "person" or a "person" [sic].
"autistic person" feels like it sees me as a whole, though. "person with autism" feels like it separates who I am from this externality which is autism. But (assuming I'm autistic), I am not separate from the autism. All of it is just me. The words like autistic or depressed or anxious or even obsessive-compulsive are not describing externalities. They're describing parts of me, aspects of me.
What lesson should you take from this?
Perhaps that Reed (that's me!) doesn't like it when they (I) are reduced to a label.
I'm not sure there are any broad lessons to take away from this. Maybe there are.
Sidenote: The Pitt is an amazing TV show & Mel (who's probably autistic) is amazing and I love her she's my favorite.
Sidenote 2: Is there a word for this type of love I feel for Mel? It's not romantic. It's not platonic. It's a sort of adoration? Perhaps the type of love you would feel for your god. Love probably isn't really the right word. I don't know. Apparently German has different words for different kinds of love. Like "Ich liebe diche" is for romantic love, my Bestie tells me (she just moved to Germany). On a scale from 1-10, how autistic is this sidenote? LOL
Sidenote 3: I would like to join the Church of Lina Khan, for I too love her, and she can be my god. But I do not think there is a church for her. I don't expect she's autistic. She's just an amazing regulator and public speaker and i love her. I don't think she created the universe, though. I think she would have done a better job lol.
2026-06-27 00:45:00
would they tell you how happy they are
the friends they've made
the grass they ate
moo moo moo
would they sing the farmer's praise
for relieving their breasts of too much milk
and bringing them new babes
moo moo moo
would they tell of the pens in which they're kept
or big barns in which they lay
the fields of grass where they get to play
moo moo moo
would they speak of cages
where milk's pulled for ages
where they're forced to stand but cannot
moo moo moove
would they speak of babies torn from them
would you hear the momma's cries?
Would they praise the bull's prize
or cry for the 14th time
forced to birth a baby they cannot keep
a baby who cannot drink the milk they leak
moo moo moo
If cows could speak
Would you listen?
Or would you just think about their
meat meat meat
If cows could talk
would you care?
Or would you continue to ignore
the horrors that grow
more more more
If cows could talk
would you tell them they protest wrong?
yum yum yum
Would you tell them to fill out this form?
you're saying it wrong
Would you tell them how to resist?
And keep on eating them
Or would you listen
and give respect
to these creatures whose whole lives are subject
until they give no more
milk milk milk
and their lives end with a bullet to the head
moo moo moo.
Cows do talk
will you listen?
2026-06-26 08:54:00
I really struggle to cook for myself regularly. As in I don't do it. I eat a lot of TV dinners with a side of potato (fries, tots, etc). Meal planning, cooking, shopping ... its all a huge mental load.
I've thought about collecting recipes before. But it's always super overwhelming, and like it just doesn't really feel very approachable. But I'm always happy when I'm at a restaurant selecting what I want to eat. There's no mental load, and it's all laid out pretty compactly.
So, in order to hopefully increase the variety of my meals and help me cook just a little more often, I had the idea to make myself a meal menu. There's also a Breakfast Page and a Night Snack page (I eat at 10:30am, 5pm, & 10pm). It's far from complete. But I'm really excited for this.
And I've never really been one to want detailed recipe breakdowns, unless I'm learning something brand new. Rarely do I need measurements (though, I will need them for the homemade Pad Thai).
So here's an example:
P.S. I've recently learned how to use a bunch of styling features in LibreOffice, so I have a custom "Food Item" style & an "Ingredients" style. Everytime I press [enter] it alternates between the two, which makes the menu-making quite easy. ([shift+enter] to stay within the current styling, like for the multi-line ingredient entries)
P.P.S. I just realized, I could add bears to the menu! It would make me so happ! (for decoration, not for meals)
2026-06-24 00:57:00
For quite some time, I had wanted to be more charitable. I would occasionally give money to a begger, or round up my change at Taco Bell or some other establishment. Then about a year ago, I started thinking about the things I typically spend my money on. Video games, eating out, gas (mostly for leisure and fun activities).
I don't have a lot of money. I don't pay any bills, except my cell phone, web hosting, and a few domain names. I live with my mom & she pays the bills. I don't have much income, but what I do have is mostly spent on things that are not necessary for my survival. I have LINK (government-provided money for food) so I am able to eat pretty well.
And at some point, I decided I just needed to systematize it. So now when I get any income, I put 10% of it in an envelope to use for charitable purposes.
I gave $2 to a beggar yesterday, and I'll repay myself from my donations fund. I bought some supplies to fix up a stop sign on a local bike trail - I repaid myself from donation funds. One time a woman in front of me at the pharmacy was $10 short on her grandson's medication, so I covered that.
Having this fund set aside is actually so wonderful though. No longer do I have to stress and decide in the moment "Can I afford this?" If it's set aside in my donation fund, then YES, I can.
I haven't actually given to any charities. I'm extremely reluctant because charities often come with lots of overhead, and I want my donations to go to the best causes. And I haven't done any research. I certainly won't give to any big charities - like St. Jude's whose CEO makes millions of dollars a year. Might give to some local charities - but even they won't get a ton of benefit from my measley $10 per month. So I don't know, maybe i just hold onto it for mutual aid - for beggars, for friends or family going through some rough patch, and for things like the stop sign repair. Idk.
Mainly, I'm just writing this blog post to encourage you to do something similar. I don't know if 10% is reasonable with your budget. Maybe 5% or even 1%. Or maybe you're quite wealthy and can go much higher. Maybe you don't have money to give, but skills and time to provide - maybe you're handy and fix things for neighbors or just volunteer with a local org.
It's good to give, and people need support.
2026-06-22 10:38:00
I sort of hate digital photos. They collect into these massive folders, and they sit there, and they're safe (as long as they're backed up!), and you technically can look through them ... but they're just not a good way to hold memories, not for me at least. They're too fleeting.
For years, I've wanted to get in the habit of printing photos and putting them in an album to just collect memories from my life.
I graduated high school in 2010, an I'm 34 now. I only have photos going back to 2017. I had a lot of photos on an old phone that got stolen. I had a lot of photos on an old computer, which I backed up with Carbonite, but several years after ending my subscription, after notifying me & giving me months to respond, they deleted my backup. I really regret letting that get deleted. (I lost photos as well as lots of Android development work, and probably other documents too). The laptop, I think I threw it away. Sad day.
My photos since 2017 are somewhat sparse, it seems, but I still have a good number. I'm grateful to Google who'd been backing up my photos for years for free, and this is where almost all my 2017 photos come from. And a lot from 2018. Not sure about the other years.
I was able to pick out about 115 photos from 2017 to print. I'll probably prune that down to about 80, just guessing.
I did find one photo from 2013 - It's in my 2018 "google" folder, and it's of me and my girlfriend-at-the-time, dressed up, ready to go to a New Years party. I don't think I have any other photos of us, unless I can maybe find them on Facebook. I don't think they're on mine, but maybe they were on hers. We dated for a little over two years, and I have almost no evidence of it.
I have none of my photos from my high school friends or girlfriend (2.5 years with her). Thankfully, my HS GF is my best friend now, and I should be able to recover some photos from her - she's sent me some before. Would be nice to browse through em though & pick some out for myself. Two of my HS friends are also my best friends now, and one of them will have some photos, surely.
I wonder how far back I can collect photos from friends and family. Surely there's prints of some.
I noticed some of my 2017 photos are SUCH bad quality. Cameras are better now. But I'm also better at taking photos now. But it doesn't matter. I want them for the memories.
I will say, some of it is hard to look on. A Best Friend from 2017 ... well our friendship ended a few years ago. On bad terms. I've moved on like 97%, but it's still hard sometimes when I dream about her or look at old photos. I still want to reconnect. I consider trying, but I don't think I would be happy. I wasn't happy with our friendship. And then I made her miserable instead of accepting what I was unhappy about.
Anyway. Bit of a tangent, that.
I'm excited to be working on this. I suppose I should print the 2017 photos, notate them (write dates & names on the backs), albumize them, and then get onto 2018. Much less whelming that way.
2026-06-22 03:27:00
I lived a relatively standard life for a long time. Then I went independent, had a taste of success, then failed and moved home into my dad's. My mental health had been bad for sometime, had been declining for some time. But then I opted out of work & most productivity for a few years.
Then in 2018 I became politically aware (Aljazeer had a piece about refugees & the U.S.'s refusal to take very many), and I became angry, and I became extremely motivated.
This was the beginning of years of massive personal growth, a huge shift in my perspective on the world, and intense ups & downs.
Over the years that followed, my project-of-choice changed many times. But long-story-short: Get a big idea. Go full steam ahead. Crash, burn. Start again.
Some ideas were successful in ways, some were utter disappointments. The success/failure of each project isn't really the point, though.
During this time, the MESS of my life just continually piled up. Paperwork I didn't file. Physical clutter in my home that I wasn't taking care of. Progressive decline of both my physical and mental health.
This came to a tee in late twenty-twenty-THREE. I put down my project at the time (local journalism), and fell into the deepest depression of my life, the most suicidal I'd ever been.
The first four months of 2024 were awful. Just daily unhappiness. Even through many cycles of mania & burnout, many bouts of depression, many struggles of anxiety, there had been some steady level of contentment with life - not every day, but generally speaking. These four months were not that way.
I had talked to my therapist about my suicidal feelings. They'd long been around occasionally. Suicidal ideation was a normal part of my life. And generally it didn't scare me, it had no power, and I knew it wasn't what I really wanted. And she said that "I want you to be around".
I took this seriously, and it is perhaps one of the most important individual things anyone has ever said to me.
For the first time in years, perhaps in my life, I respected what my mind & body were telling me - that I was suffering and needed to change things.
So I put down that local journalism project. I put down all projects. The next dozen or so times a BIG IDEA would come to me, I'd say "No, I can't do that". I just started trying to care for myself.
I wasn't very good at it, and I had a lot of years of harmful behavior to recover from.
It's now been about two years since that depressive episode ended. It has not been without its struggles.
First of all, basic things I'm decent at now: I brush my teeth every day, have daily activity, weekly workout, and very little chronic pain any more (I had a lot of pain for a long time, primarily due to inactivity). I'm okay at doing laundry and keeping my room clean. The depression messes still happen sometimes, but they're generally not that severe when they do.
I still have ups & downs. Periods of higher productivity & periods of relative burnout, but they're mild. They're manageable. And since I'm not committed to any big responsibilities, I don't have to push myself through the downs and further exacerbate the problem.
So, the progress.
For many years, probably since 2018 or 2019, I've had a sort of list of things that I need to do. A list that was always-getting-longer. I wrote it down sometimes, tried to organize it, tried to plan, but then would never make any progress. Things just kept piling up (both metaphorically and physically) and the list got longer, and I got more overwhelmed.
But I've been making progress on that list lately. I'm not writing it down - I refuse to at this point, because it is just overwhelming & I'd rather move with my whims, move with ease, than put all that pressure on myself.
I cleaned up my basement quite a lot. There's still much mess to sort through, but it is mostly organized into two different buckets (totes, actually): Tool-related stuff & non-tool stuffs.
I cleaned out my shed. I gave away most my extra yard-related tools (extra rake, shovels, etc). There was also just hella old junk in there, piled up. The shed was practically unuseable, and now it is SO NICE.
I cleaned up my work bench in the basement & sorted tools. I sorted my toolbox. I hung some tools on the wall. Still much work to do here, but it is an organized endeavor now, rather than a literal pile.
It wasn't ever so much that I was a hoarder. It's that I didn't have the mental and emotional capacity to DO THE WORK. But lately I have had that capacity, at least on some days.
I worked on my bike - mainly the chain just needed lube, but I had to do troubleshooting & learn things to figure out how easy this actually was to deal with. It's 10 times better to ride now.
I put up a shelf in my room (next to my computer) to put my printer on. (The printer will not last forever. Eventually the ink will dry up because I never use the thing, and I will refuse to buy new ink. I will refuse to buy a new printer. I will just go back to printing at the library for 15 cents a page. But then I'll have a nice shelf still.)
I've started building storage shelves for all my excess lumber, and I actually trust that I'll follow through. It sounds like a new task, but it's actually just a step toward finishing a long-standing task - sorting my lumber & making it accessible.
There's still so much to do. So many other things. But my list of things TO DO is actually getting shorter. For the first time in years. I'd say this progress began within the last 6 months.
It's a fantastic feeling.
I still take on new stuff sometimes. Bestie moved to Germany, so I accumulated tons of her old stuff. That's new tasks. UGH. I took wood pallets from my Dad's burn pile to salvage wood frum. New tasks. UGH.
But the new tasks are manageable these days. Minor. Things I'm excited for. Things I want to do. Things I have the capacity to do, even if progress will be slow.
I hope ... I hope that I can slowly-but-surely work through everything, get my house & my life into a nice state. I want to get to a point where, if I don't have any plans for two or three days, I just get bored because i have LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO at home. No more tasks. All caught up on everything.
I want to get to that place. And then I'll start thinking about my next steps. Until then, I'm just going to try to care for myself, move my life forward slowly but surely, and enjoy time with my friends.
Not everybody has these luxuries. I'm extremely privileged & grateful. I live with my mom & she pays all the bills. My grandma pays the costs associated with my pickup truck (insurance, registration, repairs). My Dad owns the house my mom & I live in, so there's no rent - just property taxes.
I'm also quite poor. I can't go out to eat when I want. I struggle to afford basic necessities like underwear and socks (though I'm doing okay on these things right now). Buying lube for my bike chain was stressful. Etc Etc.
But anyway. Well. Not anyway. Really, that's all.
Have a great day.
