2026-11-09 07:07:48
Growing up through the 70s and into the 80s, there was no talk about neurodiversity. Although certain conditions had been described years before, they didn't enter into mainstream conversation until the late 80s/early 90s. Even then they were discussed with very negative connotations — disease, disorder.
I remember when the movie Rain Man came out depicting a specific instance of autism but all anyone talked about was savants as if that was the only way it affected people. The word autism was never used.
The early headlines about ADHD (or ADD as it was) described naughty, disruptive school boys who needed to be controlled.
As a young kid, I can remember being described as shy, awkward, nervous, a daydreamer, wouldn't shut up once you got me going about something, always had the energy to run everywhere rather than walk.
Later, I was called odd, weird, obsessive, dangerous, rebellious, nerdy, nuts, extra — a lot of negatives that fed how I saw myself and destroyed any self-esteem I might have had. These descriptions continued well into adulthood and I wore some of them as a badge of honour, almost as though I was trying to reframe and reclaim them for myself.
Grow up. It's a phase. You're only doing it for attention. You'll get over it. Pay attention. Stop focusing on minor details. Do what you're told. Say something. Shut up. Just be normal!
All my life, I suspected I was different but didn't know how or why. Everything going on in my head was just normal to me, it's how it had always been and I never knew any different. So being constantly told I was odd or weird created a cognitive dissonance I couldn't resolve.
At one stage, I thought I was bipolar, or manic-depressive as it was more commonly known. I could go from being the life and soul of the party to needing to get out and be on my own as though someone had flipped a switch.
I didn't understand myself or why I was how I was. I imagine that all of this uncertainty (combined with my parents splitting up when I was 11) triggered or, at least, heavily contributed to my mental health issues.
In turn, the depression initiated a feedback loop where apathy and self-loathing further fueled my "brokenness." Lows got lower and longer; highs became extreme but incredibly short-lived. Obsessions were all-consuming, reality an inconvenience.
I wrote somewhere recently about the whole "put away childish things" attitude. This was very much echoed in life. After I left school and got a job I had to stop doing things overnight that would have gotten me in trouble and sacked. The impulse was still there but I had to constantly fight it or find other ways of scratching that itch.
I became very good at mirroring others, behaving and talking as expected, and in accordance with the given situation. From the cleaners right up to CEOs, I could talk to someone in the manner I was supposed to.
I suppressed large parts of myself for so long, unable to be truly me for fear of getting in trouble or scaring people away. Constantly seeking external validation, bending myself in ways to better achieve it, but realising it all felt so hollow.
I felt hollow as a result.
I didn't mean to write most of that; it just tumbled out onto the page.
I had specifically intended to emphasise the echo between everything in my head as a kid being "normal" and my experience in the ADHD assessment.
When we got to the end of the assessment I really didn't know what to expect. I've known that I have certain ADHD traits for a while 1 but not how deep. A lot of what I said just felt normal rather than indicators of any neurodivergence. I've always said that I am inattentive rather than hyperactive, so it was a surprise when the assessor said that I ticked all the boxes for inattentiveness, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.
As I wrote before, that it was so obvious to the assessor that I was also autistic — and having to deal with the internal conflict the two create — was a welcome relief // surprise. This week was only focused on ADHD, but that validation almost brought me to tears.
The right kind of external validation.
I think that getting used to this is going to take a while longer. It is a real thing in me that explains a lot but cannot be a crutch or catch-all excuse.
and, for the last few years, have followed my doctor's advice to "treat myself as though I am" ↩
2026-11-04 21:28:45
Yesterday was a BIG day: I had my assessment for ADHD and received confirmation of what we suspected, that I do indeed have it.
I had assumed that I just had the inattentive type, but various behaviours I hadn't considered mean that I also exhibit the hyperactive type. The resultant diagnosis is, therefore, Combined ADHD.
Over the past couple of years, I have reframed a lot of things from my earlier life through a neurodivergent lens, but the assessment yesterday made me realise just how much of my behaviour in childhood and my teens can actually be associated with this.
It brought back so many memories from school and my childhood years in general; things that I hadn't thought of in years but bubbles to the surface in response to the right questions.
While the assessment was only for ADHD (I'm still to have one for autism) the assessor said it was obvious from my answers that there is a constant push-pull battle going on inside my head with each side fighting for dominance.
Don't I know it!
What's possibly hardest to process is that there are so many things I've never really given a second thought — I thought they were "normal" because I'd never known any different — but were/are major indicators. While I've learnt to control some of them (often through sheer necessity of societal expectations, growing up and getting jobs) the impulses are still there. I may not actually on them but likely would if I could and there were no repercussions.
I'll get my official report in a couple of weeks so it will interesting to read exactly what's been written about me.
2026-10-29 18:06:17
Things have been a bit quiet round here for one reason or another, but I couldn't let today pass without the annual reminder to "choose the web you want" rather than just falling into big tech defaults.
Whatever you do on the internet, do it on your own terms. Own your data and identity.
2026-10-20 22:02:46
The past couple of weeks have been tough. I'm not entirely sure why, but my mental health has taken a downturn. It doesn't feel like the meds are really doing anything at the moment, and I've been increasingly restless and fitful during sleep again.
Yesterday, I had to go back to the doctor's as the pharmacy was having problems getting hold of my repeat prescription so we also discussed the current situation.
I've had an almost constant headache for the past 7-8 days, occasionally dipping into migraine territory. This has been attributed to not being properly rested. Even though I may be asleep, I am not gaining the benefit.
Consequently, I've been advised to take melatonin to help promote healthy sleep alongside an increased dose of fluoxetine — I don't think I can go much higher.
Autumn has hit with a vengeance, and the reduced hours of daylight likely don't help. I always struggle at this time of year. The transition from away from the long days of summer really affects me.
All this, and things being quite busy at home, have meant that studio time has been at a premium. The last couple of times I have managed to get up there I just listened to the same 16 bar loop on repeat, knowing that the track should exist but not having the headspace to work on it properly.
Yesterday, I took delivery of a Roland TR-505 bought cheap on eBay. It's in excellent condition for a 40 year old device, especially the screen, and I'm hoping it'll give me a bit of inspiration through shiny new toy syndrome.
I had a quick play last night, comparing it to the 505 samples I have on the LM Drum, and it sounds very nice — really punchy.
2026-10-18 05:25:26
Spent about half an hour tweaking the CSS for /photos so that it correctly matchea the rest of the site.
I'd already linked the main theme CSS, styled the title, and added the footer but things were conflicting. It just needed a bit of attention to ensure everything lined up correctly.
Looking pretty good now.