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2026-02-05 16:48:00

If there is one thing I have learned about my blogging after having the recent 'trending when trying to delete a blog' thing, it is to strike while the iron is hot, as it were. Start writing something the second that a thought strikes, rather than thinking 'I'll make a note of that thought and come back to it when time allows'. Because I don't.

Also, finish it then, because while 151 opening paragraphs kept may seem like 'a resource' to dip back in to, you actually have no idea of the headspace you were occupying and can't remember how you were thinking of developing the post from there now.

But this may just be me.

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This is why, after reading my Bear blog Discover RSS feed this morning, I am now writing about the annoyance I feel when the cool kids writing other blogs do that 'not using capital letters at the start of sentences' thing on their blogs.

Why is that cool? It's as cool as that old trend of putting an i in front of product names to give it a bit of reflected coolness was in the early noughties. iPod begat iPhone, then everyone was at it until we had iSocks, iDonuts, and iDon'tKnowWhatElse.

It's not cool now. We laugh at it now, because now we have put an A in front of the i. Much cooler.

Then we're leaving out the vowels to make brand names. Wld t b cl t lv th vwls t? No. Unreadable nonsense.

Anyway, yes, no capital letters in your blog posts. Perhaps I'm just old fashioned, like everyone else that has existed since humans started using text and reading, but capital letters at the start of a new sentence was there for a reason. To tell you when it was the start of a new sentence.

I mean, it seems obvious. It's so easy for a brain to skip over an itsy-weeny full stop if there's not a capital letter ahead of it, signalling a new sentence is imminent. Without it, your mind is careering off through the words like being on a runaway train, looking out desperately for a safe punctuation station to jump off at.

The same signals are in my brain for reading, and have been since I first stunned my Dad by reading out some words I recognised from the bedtime story book when I was about three years old.

Now, if I was writing something that should feel like a stream-of-consciousness then perhaps the lack of capitals would make sense, but in that context the bloody full stops you do use don't make sense – we want commas and other non sentence-ending-signal punctuation to keep the stream flowing, not stopping.

Stop.

And although he can't be arsed to use any other punctuation that is considered normal, even Cormac McCarthy uses capitals for sentences (I think he does anyway, it's been a long time since I saw them – I lent my brother two of Cormac's novels fifteen years ago and haven't seen them since).

I suppose it boils down to this. A style. An affectation. To be different. but is also more difficult to read.

NB: There is no prize for writing me an email that points out that my titles do not use title case, i.e. Capital Letters At The Start Of Words, and therefore '...you have no idea what you're talking about'. You can write one anyway if you like. I'll put it in my 'hush now' folder.

NB(2): Also, the article above is written in a somewhat subtle and not quite earnestly meant manner that may be hard for certain nationalities to pick up on. Perhaps the same people who will have no idea what a full stop is.

NB(3): I thought this was quite amusing. I fill in the title (CAPITALS), Bear blog auto-populates the link field with 'capitals'... not in capitals. OK, just me, easily amused.

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If you got this far, you may as well click the star below on your way out.

2026-02-05 11:29:00

Schopenhauer: "Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain [of unfulfilled desire] and boredom [of satisfaction]."

Earlier E made me aware of a new drop for this product we like. A cute design caught my eye, and now I want another. Thing is, I don't need it. I barely use the one I currently have because I don't like putting up with its maintenance. If I acquired another it would surely suffer the same fate.

A few weeks ago I bought myself a pair of boots off Facebook Marketplace. I knew my size from trying them on in-store and scoured Marketplace diligently for months before finally pulling the trigger on a brand new pair selling for three-quarters retail price. I went to the Upper East to get them, handed over the cash, and they were mine.

I wore them around the house for a few days, did chores in them. They didn't feel quite right. I wanted more space in the toebox than they afforded me, and I hated how hard it was to take the shoe off. I wasn't as enamored with the look as I thought I'd been. Within days, I listed them on Marketplace, and not even a week after I'd gotten hands on them, I let them go.

This whole ordeal is illuminating to me. I live in a city where it is easy to get almost anything you want: pretty much every brand has a flagship store here, and the secondhand and used market is very much alive and well. And for as hard as I have tried, I have succumbed to many of its wiles. What have I learned? I get things I think I want; I realize I don't want them; and I get rid of them, sometimes at significant cost to myself (in time or money). Then my brain fixates on something else and the cycle begins anew.

It's not that I didn't know this before. I complain about it all the time. Being here just accelerates this cycle so I can see it for the farce it is. I suppose being able to get rid of stuff I realize I don't want and learning about myself in the process is not entirely a bad thing. But what stands out to me most is how much time and energy and attention I waste desiring things I don't even end up wanting or enjoy owning. I wish I could turn these desires off, or at least channel them into more productive pursuits like reading or writing or making music. I haven't figured this out yet. Some things help, like avoiding advertising and forums that center around a material hobby. But you can't run away from advertising forever. The ideas of nice things always worm their way into my head eventually.

Something else I noticed after buying the boots is that I was extremely cautious not to wear them outside or otherwise use them in ways that would show signs of wear, lest I decrease the resale value. Had I been somewhere I wouldn't have been able to sell them, I might have worn them longer, broken them in, learned to love the way they looked and felt. But here, with the possibility of getting rid of them looming a click away, I'm picky. Something to be said here about the illusion of choice, I guess.

2026-02-05 04:30:00

The average 25 year old isn’t making $100K a month or even in a year.

Most are making like $20K-$40K a year.

Some are making less.

Some are still figuring out what they even want to do.

But if you’re online all day, you’d think everyone your age is a millionaire.

Every other post is someone flexing their revenue/ lifestyle.

Their “I’m 17 making 500k a month” bullshit.

Can’t even lie I do the same…

And it creates this warped reality where you feel like you’re failing because you’re not there yet.

For every “22-year-old millionaire entrepreneur” with a Lambo, there are millions of 22-year-olds struggling to even make rent money.

You’re not behind.

You’re just comparing yourself to people who have extreme advantages one way or another.

Chasing six figures just because the internet told you to is sad.

I’m not saying don’t be ambitious.

I’m not saying don’t want more.

I’m saying build something that you’ll eventually love building.

Because the truth is, most of those people flexing online?

They’re miserable too.

Stop letting Instagram convince you that you’re failing.

Build at your own pace.

It’ll work out eventually, now or 5 years from now.

2026-02-05 02:47:00

This has not been a good day. Late this morning we got the horrible news that our landlady is having financial difficulties and is putting the house on the market.

We've lived here for 16 years. Birthed and raised both our children here.

Yes, we're renting, so we've always known this day would come. But having been here so long, and with the landlady carrying a lot of sentimental value on this house (her husband built it and they raised their family here), I guess we felt settled and that we would be here until she passed away.

It was her son that called with the news. He didn't like telling us and clearly feels bad. We were stunned when he said he didn't know where all his mum's money had gone. We understood she was wealthy, but they are selling because they need the money. He offered it to us, but we are in no financial position to get a mortgage.

We don't have to rush. Although technically the notice period is 2 months, they've decided not to formally issue it until they have a buyer. Given the housing market around here, that could be over a year.

However, we have a large plot in the middle of a popular village. There's a good chance a developer could snap it up as long as they know they'll get planning permission to put multiple houses on it. Which is likely. My poor neighbours are probably going to end up with half a dozen houses peeping into their properties.

Also, I hate the thought of sitting here in limbo, not knowing when the countdown is going to officially start. We need to start the process now.

Which brings me to the big problem. It's going to be hell finding somewhere we can afford. We currently only pay £720 a month and a similar property will cost us nearly double. We can stretch to £1100 at an absolute push, though it will leave us on the breadline and we will have to pay off our credit cards at the minimum rate - I was hoping to clear them by the end of the year.

My mum has offered to move in with us so we can get a 4-bed and she can help with the rent. Not a route I want to take, but nice to have another option on the table.

Our income is supplemented by government benefits and that's presented another problem. Despite the fact letting agents aren't supposed to discriminate against people like us, one we've already spoken to requires a guarantor earning at least £40k a year for benefit recipients. I don't even know anyone that earns that much.

We've never failed to pay the rent in 16 years. Surely the reference from our current letting agent and landlady should be enough?

We can go on the council house waiting list too. However, until we are actually given notice, they will not give us high priority and we will be caught in the horrible process of bidding for a property.

Our next concern is where to move to. Working from home and running our own business gives us relative freedom to go anywhere within the northern/eastern part of the county, or even up into the next county. Youngest goes to school on the border, which makes this a possibility.

Unfortunately, eldest's college is in the opposite direction and if we move more than a couple of miles further north, there will be no bus service there - currently it goes right past our house, which we were so happy about. I'm gutted that we may have to sacrifice eldest's college choice to ensure youngest can remain at his special school. It feels so unfair having to choose between my boys like this.

Gawd, this is so damn daunting. My poor husband is so stressed with work and now this. I wish I could take this pressure off him.

Time to sit down with a glass of wine and feel depressed looking at over-budget properties on RightMove, from letting agents that hate people on benefits. Wish me luck!

2026-02-04 20:00:00

今天是住院的第 10 天。十多天前，在非常专注地工作了一下午后，来到食堂点了一份爱吃的拉面。呼呼吃面的间隙刷到了程序员高光辉遗孀的推文「你再也不会回家了」：

“解完这个 Bug 就回去”
“回家啦”
“现在回家”

这些对话对同为程序员的我来说亲切无比，因为我也常常跟自己的家人这么说话。最后看着一连串无人回应的“回家了吗”，强烈而真实的代入感令我潸然泪下，耳朵也突然嗡得一下变得沉闷起来，像极了高铁穿入山洞后的耳压失衡感。我这才意识到情绪有些失控，于是关掉手机，安静地吃完面，情绪平静了下来，但耳闷感却依然没有消失。接下来的两天里，耳闷变成了各种奇奇怪怪的感觉，呼呼的风声、环境的回声。三天后，症状终于稳定下来 —— 我的右耳听不到声音了。

次日一早来到海淀医院耳鼻喉科，做了纯音听阈测定 (PTA) 后，门诊医生震惊道“怎么这么年轻就重度全聋了，赶紧住院吧”。我呆坐在座位上不知所措，只听见好心的医生在电话联系一个提前占用了床位但一直没来就诊的病人，问他能否释放床位。好在一切顺利，接下来就是医生根据突聋临床实践指南按部就班地进行检查和治疗。治疗的大致思路是，用激素类药物地塞米松减轻内耳水肿、抑制内耳炎症，用倍他司汀和银杏叶提取液改善内耳微循环，同时也使用巴曲酶来改善血液流动以应对可能是微血栓导致的耳聋。其中银杏叶提取液是中药注射液，药理不明、成分复杂，用起来着实有些让人害怕。

药物治疗的同时也会做大量的检查，从血常规到肝功能再到心脏超声，份量已经赶上一次常规体检了。听觉脑干反应 (ABR) 和内听道核磁 (IAC MRI) 的检查结果出来后，终于让人松了一口气：声音能够正常传导，结构功能正常，也就是排除了听神经损伤、听觉神经瘤这类严重情况，大概率是炎症水肿型耳聋，神经传导只是暂时受到了抑制。再加上黄金期 (7 天) 内已就诊，所以恢复到不影响正常生活的听力水平的概率非常大。

第 2 天起床后耳鸣已经消失，第 4 天再次做纯音听阈测定时各个频段均有 10 分贝左右的回升，虽然此时依然听不清，但至少检查结果上都在往积极的方向走。再往后，就能慢慢听到一些声音，虽然像坏掉的喇叭一样嘶哑尖锐，但终于开始听到了。

到今天已能够不太费力地听清人声，这段听力失而复得的地狱经历，像是高光辉先生冥冥之中给予的警醒，勤勉尽责是为可贵，但与爱惜身体并不矛盾，可要好好爱自己。

2026-02-04 15:18:00

On most social media platforms, there is always a "meta" side where discussions revolve around the medium itself. But it is rarely about original content that stems from one’s own thoughts, lived experiences, or hidden desires—the "intimate treasure" of the individual.

Most of the time, this meta-discourse is used to serve performance. People gather to figure out how to hack stats, how to get noticed, how to manipulate algorithms, or how to "take over." There is a deeply utilitarian side to it: how to exploit a platform to extract the most profit.

One of the things I particularly appreciate about this community is that the "meta" aspect is oriented toward exchange, discussion, reflection, self-criticism, and gaining perspective. It is not about the primary goal of exploitation. Everything here feels more organic, more natural, and ultimately, more human.

What are the limits? What things should be preserved? What are the warning signs to watch for? What is my answer to this subject?