2026-04-06 23:51:00
Lately, I've been more mentally fatigued than usual. I wondered if I was stretching myself thin with my current workload (job applications, side hustles, habits), but I learned how the source of my drain was a low-grade background noise in my head. I was overwhelmed with mental clutter of unfinished business I'd been putting off for too long.
Recently, I came across the concept of "closing your loops."1 Briefly, you may be struggling with your present tasks because you're subconsciously fixating on unresolved tasks. Every avoided decision, unanswered message, and half-finished errand is considered an open loop that's nagging at you, often without your full awareness.2 Analogically, it's akin to having 50 miscellaneous browser tabs you forgot to close, except they're buzzing haywire in your brain.
This kind of subconscious, low-level anxiety can drain your battery faster than a physical task might. Even as I write this, my mind is nudging me Remember that text you never replied to three weeks ago? You have five emails to tend to! Till when will you avoid making that decision? I was waking up foggy and going to bed agitated, unable to understand why, until I understood just how many unattended loops I've left open.
For April, I did a full brain dump, listing every single task, obligation, and nagging decision I'd been avoiding for months. I've broken the Big, Scary, Emotionally Draining Tasks into small, manageable steps so I feel less overwhelmed. My goal is alleviating the mental clutter before May.
Identify what's running in your own background and close your loops!
Check the Zeigarnik Effect. Did you know our brains retain uncompleted tasks better than completed ones?↩
2026-04-06 17:28:00
hello there, i am trying out bear blog for the time being. it is likely going to be a long while until i am able to code myself a blog of my own on a website of my own, but i've been missing the format of making... longer posts on a rarer occasion, just talking about stuff. the image/media limitation was stopping me to be honest, so i caved for the discounted subscription (the regional pricing adjustment is so kind, it warmed my heart), and am worried about not making most of it. well, if i don't, i guess i'll just cancel, so we shall see, huh? (update: just found out you don't need the sub to embed images, oops. i might cancel next month, but this is a good thing to give support to anyway).
i don't even have anything of worth to say, really. i don't want a blog because i have some kind of really deep and interesting thoughts to share. i just miss trying to make longer posts about my life from time to time, and keep it all somewhere to look back on when i need it. please bear (haha) with me as i make these posts into the void. you don't have to read them, i know through my own unfortunate experience how hard it can be to sit down and read something lengthy. i wish it was easier both for my adhd and my chronic fatigue.
by the way, i wonder if i should be typing properly for a blog. it feels like it would be more "right" to do so. but i am quite concerned that i will keep forgetting to capitalize things, or i will sound off. lowercase is how i usually do everything all my life. it just flows nicer when typing. and it works for short format text. but i feel like maybe longer text is more legible with proper capitalization? i am not really sure at all.
i am worried i will drop this just like many other things i do, be it because of adhd or chronic fatigue or some other reason. i already don't journal a lot like i want to, and so i am concerned about just not going anywhere with this either. i think people don't actually care that much, and probably would not actually judge me. but i suppose i still struggle with anything that makes me feel inadequate in other people's eyes. which is a lot of things, to be honest. i just want to feel like i am capable of something consistent in my life. but maybe i'm not. who knows for sure?
i will stop rambling for now, and make use of having the media feature since i paid for it anyway. so here are some furries from yesterday. i've been trying to casually do anthro-april challenge somebody made, mostly as a way to keep myself drawing every day if i can and having a prompt for it.
2026-04-06 11:28:36
There is no magic amount of followers, likes any of this shit that will make you magically happy. Just post, move on and enjoy the peace of mind that comes from not being bothered by it.
Remember to thank your Town Manager for a job well done!
2026-04-06 06:03:22
(aka things I'm worried about at the moment)
2026-04-06 01:36:00
[Everything between March 15 to April 05, Sunday]
Movies watched: 11 (1 in a cinema hall)Xacuti eaten: 3Currently reading: 18
I have been drinking coffee regularly since I was 17 years old. Before that it was sporadic during 12th grade examination prep days, to assist in staying up later in the night. At 17 and in college, the hostel I stayed in for undergrad used to have large coffee dispensers. I had a 400ml coffee cup, purple and green. That cup was what held my morning coherence. I have not stopped drinking it since.
But I have to say goodbye to it now, for a while, say a month... maybe three... yes three months definitely.1
I have had nearly a year since H.Pylori was last detected and removed from my system and yet it's damage remains. And in my infinite wisdom, I made little to no lifestyle changes. As I am in mourning, I sought some poetry to find some comfort. I came across this wonderful blog about coffee poets of 16th century islam. Here it mentions what a pope said (in 1600) after drinking coffee: Why, this drink of Satan is so delicious, we shall cheat the devil by baptizing it. It would be a pity to let the infidels have exclusive use of it. We shall make it a truly Christian beverage! Typical.
Here I write in the dead of the night making a pros and cons list.
I might stop having throat issues.
I might try other beverages instead.
I will have the opportunity to try a new morning routine.
I will get a chance to rely on tea.
I will try new places to sit at for leisure time, instead of cafes focused on coffee.
I will learn to put lots of ice in other beverages and make them last.
I might not die of bacteria-brought on complications.
I might die.
All my creative juices might have been the coffee talking and I could lose it all.
I might become a bad person.
I would get irritated easily as I won't have a warm coffee cup to wrap my fingers around.
I will not know where to meet people for socialising.
I might not be fun without caffeine.
I might lose friends if I am boring to be around without caffeine.
What if it is my addiction that is maintains and equilibrium in the universe and losing coffee will lead to a catastrophe?
I would realise I do not need coffee.
I will have to drink tea2.
How will I drive for an hour to a place if I cannot stop in the middle for coffee or carry some in my cup?
Gawd... oh gawd 3... The only way I can see myself get ahead is to be demonic about coffee de-addiction and act like I am against it, spiritually and literally. I will have anti-coffee sermons. I will encourage delusion and harbour suspicion towards anyone who brings up my coffee history. I will never acknowledge I have ever had a sip of coffee and talk about demolishing all coffee establishments. I will make posters for it. I will buy tea merchandise. I will crack tea pun jokes, like tea-shirts, tea-livision, nice tea meet you. I will include anyone around me in my suffering by saying dangerous coffee facts if they drink it around me. I will be vile to coffee and anyone who loves it. I will defini-tealy survive this.
Shit.
I watched 11 movies, and Project Hail Mary in theatre and yeah it was good but it lacked the charm I felt from the book which is to say the book was 100/10 but the movie was 8/10 BUT WHO CARES.
{insert face melting gif}/ Nats
I know I am meant to reflect here on the days behind me but I cannot bring myself to care about what is gone, as I wonder on what is to come. This is how you turn being insufferable into profoundness.↩
Tea? I am to drink tea? What the heck is wrong with me. The difference between a tea and coffee is the former is riding a merry go round and the latter is a rocket ship. I bet I read that somewhere.↩
A cat bit me. The one thing I had was coffee. My car got damaged by some buffoonery. The one thing I had was coffee. I played average pickleball. The one thing I had was coffee. I watched a movie late at night. The one thing I had was coffee. I created nothing of value all of March. The one thing I had was coffee.↩
2026-04-05 07:55:00
My co-worker received a hand-written letter from an old friend and has been corresponding with him in that medium. Very cool.
I like physical letters. I got a letter from a German girl i spend one long night with in Hongdae. I met her off Facebook, then I showed her around the clubbing street - I knew it like the back of my hand.
I tried to get a postcard from this guy i liked. He asked me to send one and i did, but he never sent one back. I really hate that and will forever hold a grudge over it.
One very cool guy from Indonesia sent me a Postcard. I met him on Reddit. I told him that if i go to Indonesia I'll let him know. Gave a stranger my address, clearly I'm not big on internet safety. Although I like to believe that most people are good.
I collect hoard postcards. It's hard to find ones that have pictures of my city (i suppose i can print my own, but I'd rather buy.)
Most of the ones i have are themed (like African American Art) or pictures of the local universities. At a local vintage store, i found some old postcards from 1920 or so. Some used, some unused. I'll be putting some those in my scrapbook page dedicated to my hometown.
Postcrossing isn't super appealing to me. It's cool if you're a collector, but i like ones a bit more personal. Like the one i got from Indonesia was a guy i was talking to for about a year. I can look at the card and say “this is from a friend”. I can imagine him writing it for me. I know his name and what he looks like.
Unfortunately, i don't have many friends right now. But i still keep buying postcards.
I do this often. I do things for the uncertain future instead of the present.