2025-12-04 12:59:00
I write these before I go to bed now. I have since we were in Victoria. Before Victoria I used to write them in one of two ways: a little bit at a time all day or all at once at like 3pm. Now I write in bed right before I go to sleep.
For a while I wondered if changing when I wrote would change the texture of the thoughts or the prose before smacking my forehead because the answer is yeah, duh, of course it does. Writing at the end of the day as opposed to in the middle feels more like a journal entry because it is more of a journal entry.
I think a journal entry is best when it's a "this is what I learned today via all the things I did today, by which I mean on this day, my whatever thousandth day on earth, a bunch of stuff clicked into place and I expanded my whatever by whatever %." Yes I actually think this way. I thought everyone thought this way but the last 30 years have shown me undeniable evidence, however anecdotal, that I think about things in a way that other people think of as somewhere between alien and insane. Hey, maybe you think that way too. And if you don't, that's okay too because I'm going to do it anyway. At any rate, and only because this post is meant to be one of those, I need to be honest with where this one starts: dynasty fantasy basketball.
I'm not going to explain what dynasty is or what my team is like, blah blah blah. I'm just going to tell you about a thing that I experienced that was the result of something finally clicking into place.
One of the reasons I'm good at fantasy basketball is because I watch a lot of basketball, and when you watch a lot of basketball, you get a sense for who is bad, who is good, who is good but could be great, who is great, and who is great that might be a legend.
You'd think everyone who was committed enough to play dynasty fantasy basketball would be sickos like me: 2 to 3 games a night all season; poring over stats, advanced stats, and videos in my spare time; reading every piece written in English about some Serbian teenager I might consider thinking about maybe drafting in 2027... you get it. But I have met more than a few ultra casuals and boxscore watchers since I levelled up in 2023.
Levelling up isn't something people say. It's something I say. To myself. In my head. I basically just mean that I decided to get into a different, harder, and more competitive tier of league that required more attention, knowledge, and seriousness. You're not just assembling a team, you're building it and shaping it. There really is a lot of sentimentality and craft into doing this kind of thing, or maybe I just bring that kind of sensibility to the hobby. Or maybe I just have psychosexual issues. Or maybe I should just move on before you think about that last one too much and then reflect on every one of our interactions and accordingly recontextualize the general energy and the literal temperature in all the rooms we spent time in together no I'm not a vampire why would you even think that?
The gist of the story is that my best team, right now, needs one more good player. I have a good team, but I need one more good player to put me over the top. So I went looking around the league for the guy I should trade for.
For a few days, I scoured through the bargain bin. I watched tape and reviewed some home/road splits. I identified a bunch of guys who might be that guy but wouldn't cost too much in re: what I'd have to trade out. I pursued a few trades. One manager wanted more than I wanted to give and I almost met his price, but something didn't feel right. It took me two days to figure out why it didn't feel right and then it hit me and I couldn't be more excited to tell you.
Okay, so, I was looking through the bargain bin —— guys that might be available and might be what I needed or could potentially grow into the kind of guy I need. This is how I play the game. I try to identify value that other people can't see or don't have time to look for and I try to do it before they do. My partner and I live in a loft in Toronto, we both work hybrid, no kids, no pets, no mortgage, no car, no car insurance. I have few responsibilities, a lot of free time, two computers, one tablet, an NBA League Pass subscription, what was recently called a "bloodthirsty" zeal for competition and sleeping issues, do the math.
I love the bargain bin. It's full of guys who never quite became what people thought they might but they became solid or serviceable NBA players and who, every now and again, show a flash of that that special quality they once had and forces you to remember back when we all thought he was going to be a guy and in so doing feel the terrible immenseness of time passing brush up against your cheek.
There is also the guy who is just dyyyyying to get out on the court but he's third string, and so that's just not going to happen for a while, but when he gets out there for his two or three minutes at the end of a blowout win or loss, he does something special that you notice and you figure that if he landed with the right team in the right situation he could actually be a guy.
It's useful to sift through the lower end guys who could be available because it helps you next time you go looking for a diamond in the rough. A kid named Kobe Sanders who played at the University of Nevada last season was taken in the late 2nd round of the 2025 draft and I remember watching some tape on the kid and thought he had a real feel for the game, but because he got drafted by the Clippers, who generally seem to rely on veterans and not young talent, he generally won't be on anyone's radar. I keep tabs on young Mr. Sanders for a few weeks, watching the last few minutes of Clippers games every now and again. Is there something to this kid? Something that makes you think he might be a guy? He is more than comfortable with the ball in his hands even though he's a rookie playing with a team with at least two future Hall of Famers on it, which means that he is confident. I kept an eye on Sanders and snatched him up immediately the second he looked like he'd figured out the speed of the NBA game. Maybe he becomes a guy, maybe he doesn't, but he's now on a team I am rebuilding, but that's not the team I am focusing on at the moment.
Anyway. Bargain bin. Good identify value. People no time. I time. Spend time research. Goal acquire talent low cost. Great success. Outwork opponent. Win every time. Actually wait. Something no sense. Stop sift bargain bin. Step away laptop. Think. New paradigm.
I started thinking about what I wanted, and how this trade would affect that. Like, really thinking about it. And then it all happened at once.
I want to win this league. Winning requires one more guy. Good, useful players are affordable. Really good, really useful players are less affordable. Winning the league is a more likely outcome if I get a really good, really useful player even if it costs more because good stuff often is. Okay, so, what do you really want? Well, I want the best C in the league but there's no way I could afford that without trading one of the guys who is making my good team good. Oh, there are a lot of guys I don't want to trade. Oh, I should trade draft picks. Oh, these picks will probably only fetch a certain tier of player: someone who is quite good but doesn't help you in every area. Okay, but, Dave, you only need help in these area. Oh, then the list gets whittled down. Yes, I know, that's why I told you. Yeah yeah I get it. Move on. Okay fine whatever. So now the list is shorter.
What about Ivica Zubac. He's steady, unspectacular, helps you in a few of the areas you want help in (he gets rebounds, blocks shots, and doesn't shoot from too far out so he hits a higher percentage of his shots). And you like watching him play. And he's really durable. Okay, yeah. I want him. But it'll be pricey. But I want him and that's what I need to get over the top, I think. Other players will cost less but be less effective and potentially less durable. Okay fuck it. I'll go for it. So I did. And then I shut my computer and went to the Raptors game.
A few hours after I got home I had agreed on a trade for the guy I wanted at a price I could afford even if it hurt a little. And I'm like, exuberant. A league rival just wrote this to me:
Maaan. You stole my guy again lol I wanted Zubac, I had sent him an offer with 2 firsts and didn’t even get a response so I figured he wasn’t on the table. Looks like in the end I wasn’t too far off.
Apparently my guy ******* thinks I stole a guy from him previously (i.e. traded for a guy he was sweet on before he could trade for that guy) and I think I know who he's referring to but, like, am I sorry for beating him in an aspect of our competitive game that is very competitive? Not even a little bit.
If you've been kind enough to read this far, I apologize for what I am about to do.
As you likely guessed, this is not a story about dynasty fantasy basketball. This is a story about neuroplasticity, growth, and how old dogs can learn new tricks. And you're only part way through it. The next part will be posted on December 4. At least I hope it will.
🌲 gonna
🌼 go
🌱 touch nonny
🌳 grass nonny
🌷 now nonny
Be good to yourself.
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2025-12-04 11:51:08
My recent bearblog theme reached the front trending page (currently there as of this writing). I’ve been checking bearblog analytics and editing the theme, thinking “I have to make this better now that more people are seeing it.” Stupid. But it’s true. I’ve been checking my phone very frequently and saying “yep, in just a minute” a lot over the past two days.
I’m embarrassed. My wife has no idea this blog exists or that I can even write HTML and CSS. It has just never come up in conversation.
She knows more about me than anyone on this planet. But I keep this stupid little secret from her. Mostly because I feel dumb having a blog or a hobby of designing things. She would most certainly think it’s cool. But my ridiculous, anxious and inferiority complex riddled brain tells me she might think it’s odd.
I can’t explain it. I’m quite confident in myself and who I am as a person. But I have always HATED the thought of others knowing my inner thoughts and feelings. Even those I love the most and who love me unconditionally.
It’s something I definitely need to explore and look deeper into for personal growth. But even that idea scares me. What if I find that I don’t even like what I am once I unwrap it all?
Had a couple drinks at band practice tonight… but this isn’t drunk talk. I’ve had just enough to open up on here. I think it’s been a good exercise.
“All people have secrets. Life would be boring without secrets. Don’t you think?”
-from The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan
2025-12-04 07:22:00
I've been on Bear Blog a week and I think I'm in love.
The idea of a clean, simple place made just for words to breathe. Where people can quietly ponder their lives instead of framing themselves as experts with all the answers. No re-post feature letting people leverage your words to promote themselves. No ads.
No algorithms herding you into preference-based categories to ensure you're always fed more of what you like. Locking you in to a few points of view on a paltry few topics.
It's so refreshing. Just scrolling through the Discover pages and seeing what's what. The opportunity to stumble upon a point of view completely different than yours and simply moving on if you don't agree.
This is exactly what I loved about the Internet when I starting blogging in 2007.
2025-12-04 03:12:00
A while ago, I wrote about intentional times of boredom for easier task switching, because I noticed there was an inner resistance when I had let go of a task in favor of another. In response, I gave myself the space and time to just sit there doing nothing. That meant a proper pause between activities, and it also bored my brain into complying, because at some point, even doing the dishes or doing the hard part in your studies is better than just sitting around.
I've slowly, without realizing, dropped this habit and piled a lot on my plate in general.
Even just my past four months were very full with exams, visiting family and friends, attending a conference, some seminars and conventions, the new semester at university starting, doctor's appointments, my own birthday (I am now 30!), and more. I just continued pushing through, because my motto for this year was basically to have two years in one, as last year I was constantly sick and mostly lying around. I felt like I had to catch up, and initially, I had the energy to do so. In my mind, this would only be temporary and I'd get to rest a bit "soon", but "soon" was put off again and again.
An overview of what I managed in 2025:
I noticed that I constantly felt overwhelmed and slightly panicked, like I wanted to cry, but nothing would happen. I craved a sensory deprivation tank, or for everything to just stop. Even easy things were really hard and it seemed as if I am just not recovering from anything mentally.
The problem is that when you are low-energy and constantly in fight-or-flight, you lose the ability to prioritize correctly, as everything feels equally important and urgent. As such, there is lots of decision fatigue, and more often than not, you'll start one task while thinking you should do the other and repeat; or you lie down due to feeling dizzy and tired from the internal pressure, and end up doing nothing significant at all. It prevents you from dedicating your all to one task for even 1-2 hours, as you keep questioning your choice and feel guilty no matter what.
I was constantly mentally bouncing between some aspects of my fulltime job, more studying, more case translation for noyb, more blogging, finally filling up my notes vault so it isn't still so empty, job search and applications, fitness, drawing and other creative pursuits, responding to emails, reading books, managing parts of the household, and more. I also suddenly felt terribly behind in general, feeling pressured to finish my degree as soon as possible and find some other certificates to do as well for my career. My chronic illness is also really good in instilling a sense of urgency in me... like I might run out of time.
I made the mistake of not having a weekly plan, not even a loose "Friday's the main study day!" or something, just going with the flow always. You'd think that this would permit a very flexible and relaxed attitude to all the things I wanna do that takes my fluctuating energy levels and health into account, but now I know that it just leads to me completely underestimating how much I do in a week while thinking nothing gets done. Not having scheduled things for specific days meant that at every free moment, I had about 10 things in my mind that I should be doing, while being unable to choose. I couldn't go "No worries, that's safely scheduled for the other day", no reminder in the schedule that I had already spent x hours on a thing already that week.
I also made the mistake of thinking I could keep up my study load from summer in the winter. That led to me enrolling in four classes for 30 ECTS total for this semester (exams in March 2026), but I realize I have to focus on doing two of them well, and making the other two optional. I am already at the end of a very exhausting year and there are lots of phases in winter when I just won't study as much (sick, birthday, holidays...), so I need to be realistic.
Yesterday, I made an effort to truly rank and prioritize everything I want to do with external help, and create a proper weekly plan that includes a lot of dedicated rest as well.
Something I don't want to repeat with that is thinking that indulging in media or doing easy work is proper rest. I just cannot get by long-term with using supposed downtime to do things I consider a bit easier, but that still are productive, a chore, or need my attention. I need to do nothing, because otherwise, my brain never gets proper downtime and it affects the quality of sleep, or the ability to fall asleep.
For me, not giving my brain that time of just silence expresses itself in two ways: Either there will be constant thoughts while trying to fall asleep that keep me awake (because when else does it have the space to surface those?), or my brain is so used to constantly receiving and processing things that lying down to sleep is too boring, which also keeps me awake. Then I can put on a video or soundscapes, which ironically also feels bothersome as I feel overstimulated from everything I have to do all the time and actually need some silence. It has led me to staying up very late until I am so tired that I can't help but fall asleep pretty quickly, but that's no way to solve the problem.
So hopefully now, with the new prioritization, the weekly plan, the acknowledgement of the problem, dropping some pressure and seeing how much I have already managed this year, I can go back to guilt-free breaks, intentional boredom, and focused work without burning out.
Related song: ADÉLA - Death By Devotion
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2025-12-03 18:14:00
Quick announcement: I'll be visiting Japan in April, 2026 for about a month and will be on Honshu for most of the trip. Please email me recommendations. If you live nearby, let's have coffee?
I've always been fascinated by old, multi-generational Japanese businesses. My leisure-watching on YouTube is usually a long video of a Japanese craftsman—sometimes a 10th or 11th generation—making iron tea kettles, or soy sauce, or pottery, or furniture.
Their dedication to craft—and acknowledgment that perfection is unattainable—resonates with me deeply. Improving in their craft is an almost spiritual endeavour, and it inspires me to engage in my crafts with a similar passion and focus.
Slow, consistent investment over many years is how beautiful things are made, learnt, or grown. As a society we forget this truth—especially with the rise of social media and the proliferation of instant gratification. Good things take time.
Dedication to craft in this manner comes with incredible longevity (survivorship bias plays a role, but the density of long-lived businesses in Japan is an outlier). So many of these small businesses have been around for hundreds, and sometimes over a thousand years, passed from generation to generation. Modern companies have a hard time retaining employees for 2 years, let alone a lifetime.
This longevity stems from a counter-intuitive idea of growing slowly (or not at all) and choosing to stay small. In most modern economies if you were to start a bakery, the goal would be to set it up, hire and train a bunch of staff, and expand operations to a second location. Potentially, if you play your cards right, you could create a national (or international) chain or franchise. Corporatise the shit out of it, go public or sell, make bank.
While this is a potential path to becoming filthy rich, the odds of achieving this become vanishingly small. The organisation becomes brittle due to thinly-spread resources and care, hiring becomes risky, and leverage, whether in the form of loans or investors, imposes unwanted directionality.
There's a well known parable of the fisherman and the businessman that goes something like this:
A businessman meets a fisherman who is selling fish at his stall one morning. The businessman enquires of the fisherman what he does after he finishes selling his fish for the day. The fisherman responds that he spends time with his friends and family, cooks good food, and watches the sunset with his wife. Then in the morning he wakes up early, takes his boat out on the ocean, and catches some fish.
The businessman, shocked that the fisherman was wasting so much time encourages him fish for longer in the morning, increasing his yield and maximising the utility of his boat. Then he should sell those extra fish in the afternoon and save up until he has enough money to buy a second fishing boat and potentially employ some other fishermen. Focus on the selling side of the business, set up a permanent store, and possibly, if he does everything correctly, get a loan to expand the operation even further.
In 10 to 20 years he could own an entire fishing fleet, make a lot of money, and finally retire. The fisherman then asks the businessman what he would do with his days once retired, to which the businessman responds: "Well, you could spend more time with your friends and family, cook good food, watch the sunset with your wife, and wake up early in the morning and go fishing, if you want."
I love this parable, even if it is a bit of an oversimplification. There is something to be said about affording comforts and financial stability that a fisherman may not have access to. But I think it illustrates the point that when it comes to running a business, bigger is not always better. This is especially true for consultancies or agencies which suffer from bad horizontal scaling economics.
The trick is figuring out what is "enough". At what point are we chasing status instead of contentment?
A smaller, slower growing company is less risky, less fragile, less stressful, and still a rewarding endeavour.
This is how I run Bear. The project covers its own expenses and compensates me enough to have a decent quality of life. It grows slowly and sustainably. It isn't leveraged and I control its direction and fate. The most important factor, however, is that I don't need it to be something grander. It affords me a life that I love, and provides me with a craft to practise.
2025-12-03 15:00:00
heyy! for todays grizzly gazette advent calendar you are with me and i will take you on a journey where i will talk about how my grandmothers grandmother made these cookies- no just kidding, this isn't that kind of blog. instead i'm going to give you a pretty quick, scuffed and simple recipe for gingerbread cookies i found somewhere on the internet years ago (i forgot where).
well that's all. if you made the cookies and liked them let me know. if you burned down your kitchen whilst baking these do not sue me. i don't have legal representatives as of writing this blogpost.
ps: you can also keep the cookie dough in your freezer for a long while. i usually keep couple of them and pop them out for a quick snack every now and then.
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