Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and child psychoanalyst who wrote extensively and compassionately about the relationships between mothers and their infants, is best known among a general readership for coining the expression “the good-enough mother.” Winnicott started using the term to distinguish his observations from the theories of Melanie Klein, whose work held great sway among analysts in the mid-century. Klein had conceptualized a distinction between the “good breast” and the “bad breast” as a way of understanding the drama of an infant’s early experiences of omnipotence and frustration. In a letter to a colleague, from 1952, Winnicott noted that Klein was describing objects within the infant’s psyche; he himself, however, was concerned with real women and real babies. “I always talk about ‘the good-enough mother’ or ‘the not-good-enough mother,’ because in point of fact we are talking about the actual woman, we know that the best she can do is to be good enough,” Winnicott explained.
Within Winnicott’s framework, the good-enough mother is one who, initially acceding entirely to a newborn’s demands, intuits how, over time, she might incrementally hold back from offering immediate gratification, thereby facilitating the necessary development of her child’s sense of self as a separate individual. In his writing for nonspecialists, and for new mothers in particular, Winnicott emphasized that, in most instances, a mother’s attunement to what her baby needs arises naturally, without the intervention or instruction of experts. “In the ordinary things you do you are quite naturally doing very important things, and the beauty of it is that you do not have to be clever, and you do not even have to think if you do not want to,” Winnicott wrote in “The Child, the Family, and the Outside World,” a book aimed at new mothers, first published in 1964. He added, “If you love your baby he or she is getting a good start.”
The maternal landscape has changed substantially since Winnicott wrote those reassuring words. They were addressed to a mother about whom certain social assumptions were made: that there was a breadwinning partner to enable her absence from the workplace throughout the child’s early years, and that her extra- maternal pursuits, if she had them, could be cheerfully put on hold for the duration. In the subsequent decades, the available maternal models have evolved, in often contradictory ways—partly as a result of women’s revised ambitions for themselves, and partly as a result of economic changes that have put financially secure stay-at-home motherhood largely out of reach, even for those who might want it.
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If you were born into the Winnicottian paradigm of maternal attunement, you grew up witnessing the fraught emergence of the so-called supermom, that creature of the nineteen-eighties and nineties, who transferred her professional skill set to the project of raising an infant, with controlled inputs (organic baby food, ambient classical music, a nanny who speaks a useful second language) offering the promise of desired outputs (high SAT scores leading to socioeconomic success). If you became a mother around the turn of the century, you had the internet in general—and UrbanBaby or Mumsnet in particular—as a bleak site of anonymous commiseration about new motherhood, with its sleepless nights, its clueless, hapless spouses, and its often divisive choices, in which moral and consumer judgment of the behavior of others went hand in hand. Breast or bottle? Maclaren or Bugaboo? The debates, and the vitriol, were endless.
With the ascent of social media in the past two decades, new mothers have been confronted by sleeker, shinier paradigms with which to compare themselves unfavorably. There is the Pinterest mom, forever crafting or beading amid a gaggle of contentedly analog kindergartners, or the more recent trad wife, whose performance of ostentatiously elective stay-at-home motherhood incites both reflexive disdain (How can she bear to do just that?) and aggrieved envy (How can she afford to do all that?). With the arrival of COVID-19, in 2020, the pressures of new motherhood grew more intense still: cooped up at home with needy children on their laps and demanding bosses on their laptops, pandemic moms discovered not only that they couldn’t have it all but also that they definitely couldn’t do it all. New motherhood is always a maelstrom, but the new new motherhood, it has lately been suggested, has become a tempest of a different, close-to-unbearable order. How to be a good mother, or a good-enough mother, under contemporary conditions? If the mother loves her baby, the infant is getting a good start. But how the hell is the mother doing?
Until very recently in the history of humankind, there was one defining injunction that characterized good mothering: Don’t die. Throughout “A Woman’s Work: Reclaiming the Radical History of Mothering” (Dutton), the British historian Elinor Cleghorn offers a reminder of the hazards of childbirth and the postpartum period through the ages, easily forgotten in an era of prenatal monitoring and sanitary obstetric protocols. Her book begins with a consideration of birth practices among women from the Minoan civilization—Bronze Age inhabitants of the island of Crete, whose deities included a goddess of childbirth. Cleghorn writes speculatively and somewhat romantically of a culture in which women giving birth were sustained by ecstatic rites and practices conducted within the sacred protection of caves. “This was a time when the connection between mothering and the natural world was celebrated, when the openings of the earth offered spaces for maternal reverence, when ritual practices were devoted to mothers’ experiences,” she writes. The salvific intercessions of a goddess would have been needed. Cleghorn notes that many Minoan women died between the ages of twenty and twenty-five, indicating that childbearing was most likely the cause of death.
For millennia, giving birth was the way in which a lot of women died. A Roman funerary epitaph of a new mother graphically explained her demise: “The unstoppable Fury of the newborn infant took me, bitter, from my happy life with a fatal hemorrhage.” And though male physicians and natural scientists, along with other writers and thinkers, may have been the ones with the authority to lay down practices pertaining to childbirth, they did so with information gleaned from anonymous midwives. (A few female practitioners’ names emerge from the historical murk, among them Phaenarete, the mother of Socrates.) Cleghorn reads the masculine literature with a feminist eye. When she cites the ancient authority of Pliny and his assertion, in describing the expertise of midwives and others who attend to pregnant and nursing women, that there is “no limit” to women’s power, she adds, “He meant this as a warning rather than a compliment.”
It is only in the modern era that women’s own experience of pregnancy, childbirth, and mothering begins to be widely recorded, and here, too, there is an omnipresent sense of the contingency of maternal life. In seventeenth-century England, there was a vogue for books by pregnant women addressed to their unborn offspring, offering preëmptive guidance and moral instruction to stand in for the mother’s own wisdom, should she be untimely carried off. As recently as a century ago, the activist Sylvia Pankhurst, daughter of the suffragette Emmeline Pankhurst, bemoaned the high incidence of maternal mortality among the working poor in the mill towns of the North of England, where, Cleghorn notes, “many lying-in mothers washed their feet before the midwife visited, so she wouldn’t know they had left their beds to see to their homes and children.” For women like these, questions of how to be a good mother were beside the point. Being a mother was good enough.
As Alex Bollen, another British author, reminds us in her irascible, informative volume “Motherdom: Breaking Free from Bad Science and Good Mother Myths” (Verso), what it takes to be considered a good mother changes throughout history, so as to remain always just out of reach. The good mother is self-sacrificial; she is energetically proactive; she is free from ambivalence. “Good Mother myths find mothers at fault however they raise their children,” Bollen writes. The author is particularly impatient with the popular dissemination of the often limited findings of neuroscience, and with the way that vulnerable new mothers are bullied by headlines that seem contrived to prompt a sense of inadequacy in those who are most likely already overwhelmed. One example, from the Daily Mail, runs, “Why a mother’s love really does matter: Nurturing helps children’s brains grow at TWICE the rate of those who are ‘neglected.’ ” Bollen’s own professional background is in market research, and, being well versed in the ways in which popular credulity is leveraged, she is also equipped to cast skepticism upon research findings whose standards fall short. Claims for the benefits of co-sleeping, she writes, are in one instance based primarily upon the observation of rodent behavior rather than of human. Her grim summation: “There are always rat studies as I quickly came to learn when I started looking under the bonnet of neuroscience narratives.”
What of being a mom while also participating in the rat race of professional life? In February, 2021, almost a year into the COVID pandemic, Amil Niazi, a Canadian writer living in Toronto, wrote a spiky piece for The Cut about what it was like to work from home while also taking care of her two small children. The piece took the form of a typical daily timeline, beginning with a squalling baby, an action-figure-toting toddler, and a husband who has departed for what, not so long ago, was also Niazi’s office, “a place I once loathed, that now represents a kind of mystical, holy land free of pointy, plastic superheroes and sticky, screaming faces.”
Now Niazi has turned that cry for help into a book-length plaint, “Life After Ambition” (Atria/One Signal). Its argument is that millennial women like her were sold a bill of goods when it came to marrying work and motherhood, and that the pandemic exposed hidden fault lines—notably, the inadequate provision of early-childhood care and the structural inequities of even supposedly liberal workplaces. Readers who got their small-child parenting out of the way before that particular global crisis can sympathize with the exceptional stresses of pandemic mothering while also recalling that being home with a wailing, incomprehensible newborn was hardly a walk in the park, even when a walk in the park wasn’t fraught with social-distancing advisories. They may also wonder whether Niazi, with her account of periodically working from home in the pre-pandemic era, really intended to supply ammunition for H.R. departments that want their workers back in the office. “On days I had little work, it was lovely,” she notes. “When I had to take care of a toddler and answer emails and take calls from my boss, it was like my brain was on fire.”
Niazi’s book is subtitled “A ‘Good Enough’ Memoir”—apparently a nod, if an unacknowledged one, to Winnicott’s theories of motherhood. In her reframing, however, “good enough” is synonymous with “mediocre,” which is the achievement level to which she claims to aspire: neither excelling at work, as her generation was told that it must, nor winning at being a mother, at least within the paradigm of intensive, intentional parenting that surrounds her. “I have embraced the idea of mediocrity and let go of a compulsion for exceptionalism,” she writes. If the supermom thought she could have it all, and the Pinterest mom prided herself on doing it all, and the performative trad wife believed that she could be it all, Niazi offers a depleted maternal alternative: fuck it all.
When being a good mother represents a structurally unattainable standard, it’s no wonder there has been a countervailing embrace of the opposite identity, that of the self-declared “bad mother.” The novelist Ayelet Waldman was this territory’s pioneer, publishing an essay collection by that name in 2009. She offered confessions of small, even cute, parental ineptitudes, like unwittingly criticizing another mother in a reply-all to the recipients of a mommy-and-me e-mail chain. But she also broached more significant maternal taboos, including the recognition that there might be limits to the kind of mothering a woman is prepared to commit to, and to the kinds of sacrifices—both of her own freedom and of the integrity of her existing family—she might be willing to make. Waldman acknowledged aborting a pregnancy after a prenatal test revealed a genetic abnormality in what would have been her third baby, admitting to “being so inadequate a mother that I could not accept an imperfect child.” Waldman portrayed herself as a bad mom other mothers could relate to (who hasn’t screwed up on a reply-all?), and also one from whom other mothers could stake out a relieved sense of distance: Would you abort a possibly compromised fetus, and, if so, would you then write about it?
In the years since, we have seen variations on the bad-mother figure, filtered through memes and graphic tees—not least the wine mom, who sustains herself through the repetitive boredom of child care with a cheeky glass of Pinot Noir around bath time, and her cooler sister, the weed mom, who takes the edge off with half an edible. The sloppy-mom identity is invariably ironic; nobody wearing a “This Mom Runs on Coffee and Wine” T-shirt means to advertise what her friends and neighbors might take to be a deleterious dependency. As Ej Dickson writes in the opening pages of “One Bad Mother” (Simon & Schuster), the freedom to make transgressive admissions of maternal failure bespeaks a cultural privilege. “For middle-class white women like me, there are few long-term material consequences for calling yourself a ‘bad mom,’ other than possibly being yelled at by other middle-class white women on the internet,” she writes. Not so for poorer women and women of color; Black children are disproportionately likely to be reported to child-protective services, sometimes for minor maternal lapses.
Still, Dickson counts herself among those deemed bad mothers, listing the credentials that earn her the badge of dishonor. “I text my friends Patti LuPone TikToks while Marco is on the floor playing with his toys,” she writes. “I don’t enjoy pretend play or cooking or cleaning or birthday parties. There are times when I don’t particularly like being a mom. There are times, though they are far fewer, when I don’t particularly like my kids.” Dickson, who is a senior writer at The Cut, satirizes the good mom she fails to be, whose kids “eat gluten-free pea-and-mango-infused organic gummy snacks and never, ever do things like hit or push or yell ‘Slayyyyyy, bitch!’ to a friend as a message of encouragement at the playground.”
Rather than linger on the Nap-Dressed good mom, in all her familiar brownstone smugness, Dickson offers a brisk tour of the bad-mother trope as it now circulates in popular culture, and an analysis of how it works. She ranges across terrain that has been fertile since second-wave feminism—most persistently, the question of how mothers are meant to combine parenthood with paid work—and draws on “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel,” the TV series in which a nineteen-fifties housewife abandons her domestic role to enter the ultimate boys’ club and become a standup comic. Dickson points out that Midge Maisel’s pre-kindergarten-aged children are rarely seen: “She is either the spunky self-starter climbing the ladder to pursue her desires, or she is a mother; she can never be perceived to be both.” At the same time, Dickson ventures into more arcane expressions of bad mothering, and if you were unaware of an apparently popular subgenre of porn called “fauxcest,” featuring fictional scenarios between, say, busty stepmoms and horny stepsons, here is your opportunity to learn.
Dickson writes with a refreshing absence of personal woebegoneness, and with empathy even for mothers whose practices and preferences differ vastly from her own. In her chapter on MAHA moms, with their eschewal of vaccines and their protect-the-children belligerence, she notes that, for all the ways in which external factors in the culture make being a good mother a timeless imperative—one that’s endlessly demanded yet impossible to achieve—there is also in motherhood an irreducible fear: that something terrible may happen to our children. Of the anti-vax, anti-mask, anti-trans, self-described mama bears, she writes, “We can judge them. We can think of them as stupid or even evil. But how can we blame them for being afraid? We all are.” Children are born into vulnerability and mothers into vigilance; and even then our best may not be good enough. Winnicott insisted that love, imperfectly given, was enough to get a child started. What he could not promise was that it would suffice to keep disaster at bay, because it can’t. An awareness of this truth, more fundamental than witching-hour misery or child-hostile workplaces, is the very worst of being a mother. ♦






















