When I was young, I imagined that life progressed as a series of discrete linear segments. Puberty would pass and I’d never again worry about zits or feeling awkward. I’d turn eighteen and be fully equipped to participate in the political process. I assumed that I’d wake up one day and cross a threshold into adulthood. Life is too fluid for such clear demarcations, yet the idea spoke to the relationship I felt to time as I was growing up—I yearned to fast-forward through all the slow, boring bits and get to the adventures I coveted and believed that I deserved.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that such attempts to segment a life are arbitrary, even if they satisfy some need for order. When my son turned ten, earlier this year, I suddenly became worried about adolescence. This was partly because of the hit Netflix show by that name, about a troubled thirteen-year-old, which came out a few months prior to his birthday, bringing with it countless think pieces about the glum interiority of tween boys. Adolescence, I read, was a crossroads that required constant vigilance, where too soft a touch or too much screen time might result in some kind of teen-age radicalization.
In fact, my kid was no different than he’d been as a nine-year-old: sweet, loving, oblivious. I learned that the length and character of adolescence is fuzzy, with some experts saying it ends as late as one’s thirties. In other words, it’s most useful as a kind of narrative device—a socially sanctioned time for difficulty and sullenness and parental worrying, akin to that span when a baby’s grouchiness is automatically attributed to teething.
The fifteenth California Biennial, currently on show at the Orange County Museum of Art, is about adolescence. California trades on its outsized mythology, and previous installments have surveyed how emerging artists reckon with the state’s status and symbolism. The current biennial, curated by Courtenay Finn, Christopher Y. Lew, and Lauren Leving and titled “Desperate, Scared, But Social,” considers what it’s like to grow up somewhere that’s often used as a metaphor for youth itself. The exhibit doesn’t treat youth as a vague, wide-open expanse but instead focusses on the subtle transformations that begin just shy of the teen years—the new calibration of interiority and exteriority, the emergent understanding of independence and accountability. It is a time of awkwardness and boredom, fearlessness and insecurity, when stasis feels like torture, a last gasp of innocence before you should really know better.
I was immediately drawn to selections from “What She Said,” an ongoing series that the photographer Deanna Templeton began in 2000. She approaches young women on her daily walks around Huntington Beach, and in other cities she visits, and asks to photograph them. Amplified to the size of a poster, her subjects look confident and tough, larger than life. One, with roughly chopped bangs and a fur coat, wields an ice-cream cone like an ornate scepter. Another stares straight ahead, revealing no emotion, a mystery deepened by the bags under her eyes and the safety pin stabbed through her nose. Templeton’s heroines are shown a vision of themselves as singular and glamorous, and their portraits capture something essential about adolescence, a time in which you start noticing how others notice you.
Templeton intersperses these pictures with fragments from her teen diaries. “I feel so old, but I’m only 16 / I say I don’t want to live, / They ask what do I mean,” she writes in one entry. Each successive paragraph, composed in a different color ink, as though it were an art project, verges toward the question of whether she should take her own life. In the center of the room, a display case features ticket stubs and flyers from the shows that Templeton attended as a teen-ager: Black Flag, the Jesus and Mary Chain. Decades later, these could be misread as badges of effortless cool, an archive of one’s subcultural bona fides. Yet they are arranged next to a letter bidding farewell to her parents. “Please don’t forget about me,” Templeton writes, laying bare the potential terrors that lurk underneath her street portraiture, the insecurities obscured by a swaggering gait or a confrontational T-shirt.
The biennial’s rooms feel like a collection of pre-internet distress signals, low-level emergency beacons, messages in bottles. It reminded me of my own desire to figure myself out in private and hide the evidence, something that seems far more difficult today, when our actions are tracked and archived. Some of the most moving objects in the exhibition are the juvenilia of now established artists like Miranda July and Brontez Purnell. Rather than the colorful paintings that the queer Chicano artist Joey Terrill would become known for, we see Terrill’s notebooks, maps, carefully transcribed lists of bookstores, evidence of a young mind in search of new terrains. A series of zines anticipates Seth Bogart’s punk energy, his frenetic pursuit of comrades and of new forms. Laura Owens shows some of her teen-age paintings, the stuff of middle-school art class, like a large painting of a Keith Haring-designed Swatch watch.
“Desperate, Scared, but Social” borrows its name from the sole album by Emily’s Sassy Lime, a riot-grrrl band that the sisters Amy and Wendy Yao, and Emily Ryan, formed as high-school students in Los Angeles in the early nineteen-nineties. Growing up in straitlaced immigrant households, they initially created the band in secret, rehearsing when their parents thought they were at the library, sharing song ideas over answering machines, playing shows before they truly knew how to play. Their 1995 album has the rickety punk sound of suburban nightmares, jagged landslides of noise for vanquishing all the dread, real and imagined, just outside their windows.
Emily’s Sassy Lime might be fairly obscure, but its brief tangle with underground rock stardom is central to the exhibit’s exploration of teen-age self-fashioning. The band has its own cavernous room, where its members have essentially erected a pop-up museum of nineteen-nineties culture, alongside pieces of their own art. Display cases are cluttered with VHS tapes, cassettes, and trinkets. The walls are covered with blown-up pages of correspondences with friends, pages pulled from their teen-age zines, photos from summer tours. In the center is Ryan’s sculpture “AZN Clam (Redux),” an enormous clam shell with a bed inside, a stereo, tapes, snacks, an answering machine, and guitars strewn about on the pastel bedspread. It conjured the fantastical inner life of the teen-age girl, the dreams that lie underneath the inscrutable protective armor.
One corner of the room showcases pieces from Amy Yao’s ongoing series exploring Disneyland. When she was young, Yao recalls, her resourceful father would sometimes bring the family to watch the theme park’s fireworks displays from just beyond the gates. She renders an array of famed park buildings, like the Matterhorn and the Haunted Mansion, in takeout containers, packing peanuts, and old tin cans, playing with the idea of immigrant frugality. Old photographs at and around the park are blown up and hung high along the wall, the dreamy washed-out effect conveying her feelings of young astonishment.
My son came with me to the biennial, and in return I promised to take him to the amusement park at Universal Studios in Hollywood. He’s accustomed to tagging along to things I want to see, with a begrudging enthusiasm that has begun to fade as his own sense of autonomy evolves. He didn’t detect the layers of ironic meaning in Yao’s reëxamination of Disneyland; maybe he’d grown up too comfortable to recognize her comment on immigrant thrift. He was simply delighted that junk could be in an art museum. His curiosity was sufficiently piqued that he listened to some Emily’s Sassy Lime songs in the corner (“Pretty good”). If he lingered before a piece for more than a few seconds, I would swoop over and ask what drew him to this specific work. His responses ranged from “I don’t know, it’s interesting” to just “I don’t know,” and then he’d ask when we could go to the gift shop. Although parenthood has changed my views on nature versus nurture, I have come to believe certain things must be hereditary—in this case, a love of souvenirs.
Eventually, he pulled me into a room to show me his favorite work, “El Payaso de la Chancla,” a charcoal drawing by Griselda Rosas, a multidisciplinary artist who works in the San Diego-Tijuana border region. It appeared to depict a demented creature streaked in blacks and grays, with a lopsided face, bulbous eyes, spikes protruding from its neck. Given Rosas’s work on border culture and the legacies of colonization, I wondered if this was some mythological being. But it turned out to be her rendition of a monster that her son invented when he was eleven.
My kid drifted over to study a series of Rosas’s pieces nearby, his hands carefully folded behind his back. Riots of color, a horse or a human figure here or there, stringy webs of fabric. These had begun as her son’s watercolor paintings, and Rosas had slowly added her own layers of embroidery. I was drawn to a colorful tapestry that looked like some kind of psychedelic hide being stretched a dozen ways, with bits of fabric that had been tightened and sewn so that the surface was all ripples and bubbles. I leaned in and saw a zipper, and then what appeared to be a distressed logo from a T-shirt. It turned out to be a tapestry made from the scraps of her son’s shirts and sweaters as he quickly outgrew them. I recognized the desire to stop time—the melancholy of a child growing too fast. For many, adolescence marks a turn inward, a withdrawal into private realms. Rosas, here, was trying to keep her son in her world for a moment longer, compelling him to understand something about her: she is his mother, but she is an artist, as well.
It was early in the morning, but distant screams still rang through Universal Studios each time a roller coaster hit a particularly harrowing dip. We walked among families wearing matching blood-stained Freddy masks and hockey shirts, packs of kids in Hogwarts robes, scowling teen-agers hugging giant Bart Simpson dolls. My son is not the most reliable narrator, yet I understood what his hyperbole (“I wish we lived here”) was meant to convey, in terms of his feelings on beauty and the sublime. I shared his awe: the grand architecture of Hogwarts, the way Super Nintendo World’s garish colors and sound effects made it feel as though we were inside a video game.
It’s one of the pleasures of adulthood, reëncountering things through a child’s eyes. At first, I was possibly even more mesmerized than my son, as I hadn’t been to an amusement park of this scale in maybe thirty years. I marvelled at a hulking Transformer clanking around, beckoning us to come near, and I told my son we definitely had to come back someday to experience the gnarled mess of tracks where a ride based on the “Fast and the Furious” movies was under construction.
After a couple of rides, however, I remembered that I actually hate roller coasters. I spent the entirety of “Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey” with my eyes shut, praying that my son wouldn’t throw up. We just barely made it. As we stumbled out, I was in a cold sweat, and I parked myself on a bench to regain my bearings. Los Angeles’s eternal sunshine is even worse when the whole sky spins a single, oppressive shade of blue.
I needed to be stationary, and I told my son he could go on the next ride by himself. He ran off as I woozily pointed to a vague meeting point where I’d be waiting for him. As people of all ages passed by, it was easy to understand the modern American dream of a perpetual childhood. What was once kids’ stuff is now a lifetime relationship to a franchise, such that we are encouraged to take seriously the interior lives of the Transformers, the formative traumas of the Super Mario Bros. No wonder adolescence can stretch into one’s thirties. Packs of adults queued for rides, with no children in sight. I wasn’t immune, obviously, as evidenced by my excitement about taking a picture with a statue of Chief Wiggum from “The Simpsons.”
Of course, gaining this enlightened perspective on my surroundings did little to make me feel less nauseated. Where was he? Had I told him I’d meet him near the entrance or the exit? I realized I had no idea how long the lines were inside, let alone how long the ride took. A hundred people filed out, and I second-guessed not being more protective: phones turn kids into zombies, but maybe I’d been irresponsible sending him into the world without one. Watching toddlers bobble along, arching to reach their parents, I felt a pang of nostalgia for those days when my son was very small, hand permanently in mine, and anything seemed possible. In those early years, we’re told to bombard them with language and positivity, for who’s to say they won’t become the President, an astronaut, or a World Cup winner?
Over time, the future ceases to feel so wide open, though this isn’t as depressing as it sounds. My son seemed to figure out that I was just being encouraging, and my words began to compete with those picked up from friends or the internet; his sense of self-confidence slipped loose from my limitless faith in him. We relinquish control, not just of their movement through the world but of the story we’ve been telling ourselves about who they might become. We start letting them run toward their own horizons. At Universal, though, I wondered if I’d chosen the wrong time for nonchalance. Shouldn’t I have checked whether this ride is really meant to take twenty-five minutes? Had he misunderstood and waited for me out front? Had I let him go too soon? Invariably, he’d come bounding out the exit, whistling to himself, brightening when he saw me. “Dad, I saw something really interesting in the gift shop.” ♦


















