2025-03-07 23:21:55
I’m done with big goals. Or at least I’m taking a break. See, I used to run a loop that, in hindsight, looks ridiculous:
Create a list of big goals,
Hype myself up — let’s get after it,
Work,
Notice that I was not achieving the goals and … make a new list of goals?!
I liked the burst of enthusiasm of writing a new list. Each goal was like a distant peak waiting to be conquered. At that moment, everything seemed possible. … Just one more list. More ambitious goals! This time it will work! Instead, I got mini burnouts.
“Today, everyone is an auto-exploiting labourer in his or her own enterprise,” Byung-Chul Han writes in The Burnout Society. “People are now master and slave in one. Even class struggle has transformed into an inner struggle against oneself.” I was really good at that, struggling against myself. Aim, motivate, push… and falter.
Maybe you’ve shared that experience? Somehow, after a bunch of work, you are still here and all the goals are still over there. You pushed the boulder, yet it doesn’t feel like you made progress. I hope not, but that’s what it felt like for me.
There was something else going on with the goals themselves. They didn’t seem to stick. It was as if the mountains changed shape when I slept. Some even disappeared. I held them in my head but not in my body.
Even so, I continued to set new goals. It was my safety blanket: Look, I’m still trying!
I dug through my notes for a few examples of ‘mountains.’ The main bucket was about achievement and money.
Write a bestselling book… Or a book a year…. Get to a hundred thousand Substack subscribers… Write a post every day… Create a finance YouTube channel and reach millions of people…
A second bucket about relationships, spirituality, and fun.
Be in a loving relationship with an inspiring partner… Raise a family… Own a townhouse to host dinners and sound meditations… Create music… Dance… Be in nature… Travel the world…
Finally, there was a word cloud filled with values and ideas like love, service, forgiveness, creativity, healing, God. Let’s call it loosely ‘purpose’.
I think what happened is that the list of goals turned my gaze outward and to the future. All I could see was the mountain, the distance, the obstacles. When things didn’t work, I could blame the world. That prevented me from being more aware of my inner state.
Specifically, I’m thinking about inner conflict. Perhaps the list of goals was too long? Diagnosing a lack of focus is easy. A more interesting question is why so many goals? I see people as fractal with an “inner family” of sub-personalities or parts. What if there is an inner struggle to get different goals on the list? How much energy is wasted managing that disharmony? Is it possible self-sabotage is partially an inner battle over supremacy?
Let’s say ‘success me’ wants to grow the substack and decides posting more frequently is the way to go. I know there is another part that is horrified by the commitment to write on the clock. Push and pull.
The same goes for turning the finance profiles into a YouTube channel or a book — ideas I took stabs at. Interesting goals? Maybe. Was my inner world aligned to do more finance content? No. On the contrary: it was in rebellion already.
Then there’s the issue of the mountain behind the mountain. How often do we climb Mount Money while thinking about Mount Meaning later? If you are aware of this while climbing, how could you climb with all your energy? I think this one is an energy killer. You can do that for a few years. Say, get a degree and get through a few grueling junior years in a difficult career path. But it’s going to take a toll. (I wrote about this in Marshmallow Mind, also known as the arrival fallacy.)
The goals I could see as mountains tended to be about having. That doesn’t make them bad goals — it’s valuable to prosper and be able to provide — but they are mere waypoints, the future foundation for more meaningful experiences. It’s important to push the and then what button until you find the goals of being and doing for which they stand. They can also obscure unresolved inner states (I must earn X amount to be worthy of the relationship I want — because inherently I do not feel worthy…).
Goals of having are not bad, but they are not alive. They’re focused on objects of brief moments of achievement. At least for me, they required a steady infusion of energy. Meanwhile, what gave me energy — what was alive and meaningful — was up there in the clouds, ungrounded. The mountains took priority. We’ll get to the fun stuff later…
There was not even a hint of flow. I felt disconnected from the voice of my intuition and my creative night shift. I had no idea how to tap into my stream. So yeah, burnout.
Brian Whetten helped me shift my perspective fundamentally.
People tend to look at the clouds for an answer, Brian pointed out to me. They look for ‘The One’ purpose, “that one special career, activity, or relationship,” he writes in Yes Yes Hell No: The Little Book for Making Big Decisions. But purpose, he told me, is always relational. The meaning of life is “growth, contribution, connection, and creativity.” Purpose can show up in “millions of ways.”
If we don’t feel its energy, it’s because we don’t connect with it through specific and intentional action. Action is the lightning rod that channels the charge in the clouds. Brian’s mantra: “Help one person solve one problem.”
Help one person with one problem. Make one connection. Create and share one thing. Teach one idea. Be of service, now, and notice when you light up.
“If you want to have a great life,” he writes, “make your values more important than your goals.” Find the essence behind and then what goals and turn your highest priorities into a compass. That is where I have been shifting my attention: to direction, presence, and action.
Direction: Am I clear about my purpose and values — who and what matters (see also: the energy of legacy and direction of destiny)?
Presence: Am I showing up fully for the person or task in front of me? Am I grateful for the gift of this moment?
… and action.
Henrik Karlsson wrote about the shift from vision to unfolding, a “feedback loop that embeds the context’s knowledge into your design,” in his mind-blowing piece. “My goal is to write a few good essays,” he writes in the footnotes. “The problem is when a goal becomes more than a direction, when you start to visualize the specific design you want to end up with. You want to hold long term goals loosely so that you can easily course correct when the context gives you new information.”
That was my problem. I want to hold goals more loosely now and move in harmony with the flow of reality. I want to listen to the stream, respond to it, follow it. I’m done trying to dig canals. Time to drop the boulder and unfold in alignment with purpose.
… but I am also curious: what would it feel like to catch lightning? How much energy is out there, waiting for us to tap in?
— Frederik
Connect to the inner compass. Ground in the present. Take action. Learn. Repeat. This loop feels alive, aligned, and responsive to feedback. I suspect it will compound over time. It also allows me to check in daily:
Am I acting in alignment with my purpose?
Am I being intentional in my actions?
Did this (inter-)action give or drain energy?
How else can I be of service?
Am I learning? Am I listening?
As mentioned, I am opening weekly slots for Zoom calls again. If you feel stuck on a big goal or decision (or stuck staring at too many big goals), contact me. I will share some questions for reflection. Then we can see if something is ready to shift.
Also, if you are in the US and fear is getting in the way of a big leap: I want to pay it forward and would be happy to buy five copies of Yes Yes Hell No for people going through the process with me (also check out Brian’s podcast with Tom Morgan).
Make sure you read this by Henrik Karlsson.
Goal overload.
Brain dump.
Write down every one of your goals by hand and from memory. Notice which ones didn’t make the list.
If you only had time in your life left for one — or if one was to define your legacy — which one could the world not live without? Cross the others out. Notice which ones were most painful to delete? Why?
Probe for emotional resonance.
Which ones do you have the strongest opinions on?
What do others get wrong? What goal frustrates you the most?
Which is scariest?
Consider the language.
Which goals appear in your authentic voice and which are borrowed from your influences? Watch for slang and key words you’ve borrowed from the people who admire (or envy).
Exploring inner conflict and stuckness.
Try the inner dialogue journaling method.
How does your inner world really feel about your big goal? What opinions have been ignored? What if everyone was allowed to speak their mind? What opinions, fears, emotions are present?
Use Brian Whetten’s Yes Yes Hell No to make friends with fear and find the concealed message (remember, there are no problems)
Goal behind the goal.
Group your goals into having, being, doing, and change (letting go of unhealthy behaviors, relationships). Compare the length of each list. Consider how satisfied you are today with what you have, do, and your general experience of life.
Separate what you like from what you think you should like.
Spend time on your values and purpose — where does it show up in your goals? What goals are and then what stand-ins?
Which goals are created by an unresolved inner state — look for pain, judgment, fear, shame, grief…
Push the and then what button until you hit solid rock.
For example: I want money → to signal status (car, home, travel) → to date → to have sex → actually, to be in a loving relationship → to feel loved → could I feel loved today? Do I feel worthy of love today?
You can still pursue all the success goals you want after. You’ll just do it feeling better about yourself :)
Tap into lightning.
Find clarity about your inner compass: what is non-negotiable regardless of how much material success you achieve?
Connect the cloud to the present:
What action can you take now to connect with purpose? Help one person with one problem. Get feedback. Notice energy. Repeat.
Back to basics: what delights? What brings joy? What energizes?
See the prompts for The momentum of mission.
2025-03-05 00:54:22
Hello friends,
I’ve been stuck in bed with bronchitis. Keeping this one short. Some things that have been on my mind...
This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man’s hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men
I lowered the Substack’s price to $7 a month and 77 a year — in line with personal/general interest Substacks. It feels strange to do this in an inflationary world, but it also feels right, like an overdue act of committing to go wherever curiosity takes me...
I worked with Substack’s support such that existing subscribers get the new price when their subscription renews.
Record a short video for every major piece. I find it helps the writing to read your text out loud. You quickly notice when the rhythm is off or when the idea is half-baked. Your speech slows down, maybe you swallow words or start to waffle. But re-recording the entire piece to offer an audio version is, well, really boring and I’m not convinced it’s worth the effort.
Video on the other hand feels different, more intimate and free-flowing. Frankly, I overestimated the amount of work it would take. I’m using my laptop’s built-in camera, the Yeti mic, and Descript to record and do minor edits. And it looks… ok and is kind of fun? (I published Signs you are getting close to your mission on Youtube.)
I’m feeling called to develop a method of journaling as a path of transformation, as a way to meet our shadow and find our gold. I want to have more conversations along those lines which is why I am opening up Zoom calls for paying subscribers again.
If you are feeling stuck…
… on a specific big goal, change, or decision (“I’m trying to [do / decide] and can’t seem to make progress.”)
… in an area of life (“I feel the need to make a big change in this area but I don’t even know where to start.”)
… in general (“Things are steady but I don’t feel connected to my purpose, my creativity, or my intuition.”)
Or if you connected with ideas and questions raised in one of my recent pieces:
Fear standing between you and where you want to be in life — There are no problems.
Killing time under the weight of your divine potential — In spite of time.
Disconnected from the energy of your stream — The momentum of mission.
… if you are wrestling with any of these, head to this form and send me an email.
I will follow up with a few questions to reflect on. Then we can have an informed conversation and see if something is ready to shift.
When my brain is working again, I will set up an experimental Zoom space to meet in small groups to write, discuss, share, and connect.
From a recent walk in the East Village. Good old Alan Watts. I can hear him chuckle from beyond. Preparing to listen even more this year.
I’ve added Heart Coherence Breathing to my daily practice. I try to do 5-10 minutes before meditation. I like many other types of breathwork, but this one has the benefit of being completely effortless and very relaxing (almost hypnotic).
I like this video (or do it with Rick Rubin & Andrew Huberman); there’s also a neat one on Othership by Guy Fincham (follow for all things breath) as well as an app.
It turned out that the most efficient breathing rhythm occurred when both the length of respirations and total breaths per minute were locked into a spooky symmetry: 5.5-second inhales followed by 5.5-second exhales, which works out almost exactly to 5.5 breaths a minute. This was the same pattern of the rosary. — Breath, James Nestor
Cedric Chin at CommonCog: Outcome Orientation as a Cure for Information Overload. Like mindfulness for your information diet. Very useful framework. I now often catch myself on Twitter — what am I trying to achieve here? Ah, nothing. I’m just looking for an echo of connection and killing time.
It is fairly common to hear investment professionals say “curate your information sources”; I used to think this meant ‘keep a good, well filtered information diet’. I now realise this is mistaken — investors have to consume large amounts of information as part of their job; there is no way a ‘strict diet’ approach would work for them. ‘Outcome Orientation’ is a more accurate description of what they do.
The point is not to control your time allocation, the point is to always be aware of why you are consuming something as you are consuming it. If you do this, you will automatically change your time allocation as a result.
Henrik Karlsson: A blog post is a very long and complex search query to find fascinating people and make them route interesting stuff to your inbox. A gem of a writer. If you’re looking for a reason to write (or record) and share online, look no further. Share to connect with like-minded people and build a tribe outside the increasingly toxic information landscape of the large platforms.
What would have made me jump off my chair if I had read it six months ago (or a week ago, or however fast you write)? If you have figured out something that made you ecstatic, this is what you should write.
I should tattoo this on my arm. He’s right. Write about what electrifies you.
Also, the post contains a compelling analogy:
The social structure of the internet is shaped like a river.
The way messages spread on the internet is by flowing up this order of streams, from people with smaller networks to those with larger, and then it spreads back down through the larger networks. Going over land, from one tributary to another, is harder than going up the stream order and then down again.
Everything Everywhere All at Once. This hit a lot harder than I expected. Boy, did I bawl my eyes out over a mother trying to save her daughter, her marriage, her life, everything...
There’s something incredibly stirring about the image of the black bagel, negativity compounding until it turns into a life-and-love-denying force. If every good experience is followed by pain and disappointment, if nothing means anything, hell, why not destroy time (and divine potential)? What do you say to someone in that headspace? Nothing. You hug them.
When I choose to see the good side of things, I'm not being naive. It is strategic and necessary. It's how I've learned to survive through everything.
The only thing I do know... is that we have to be kind. Please, be kind - especially when we don't know what's going on.
The Infinite Pussy Glitch: The Data Behind Dating as an Eligible Man in NYC. What life could have been like as a 30+ year old man in Manhattan.. I am currently staying far away from anything dating-related, but even I could not help but read this piece. Lana is on to something with her format that combines data, authenticity, experience, and a unique voice.
Nat Eliason: To Improve Yourself You Must Know Yourself
Self-improvement isn't about becoming someone else. It's about becoming a better version of yourself.
Dear Money by Mike. I like this idea — write a letter to money and say everything that’s been weighing on you.
I am writing to make amends. I am writing in hopes of changing our relationship.
I had declared you freedom.
And in doing so, I had declared myself imprisoned.
I had declared you choice….
Until next time!
— Frederik
2025-02-28 01:25:37
Few things keep surprising me like this simple technique.
Inner dialogue led me to aspects of myself that I had been avoiding, it surfaced deep fears, strange ideas, and startling beliefs. It showed me that my youngest parts speak in my native language. Inner dialogue made me scream and break pens, but it also offered me guidance, peace, and even poetry. Above all, it helped me move.
That’s how I think about writing by hand, as a practice of movement. Compared to typing on a computer or phone, the hand moves across the page. That creates inner movement and, ideally, movement in life.
That’s why I return to it whenever I feel stuck or tense. I see these as signals of possibly unexplored or unexperienced inner polarities, of simmering conflicts that disconnect me from inner wisdom and guidance.
This stuckness could be about a specific something or someone, a lack of clarity about a person, decision or situation that translates into lack of movement. Or it could be unspecific and feel like stress and a lack of progress in some area of your life — like work, family, relationship, or money.
I think of people as “fractal” assortments of inner sub-personalities or parts. In moments of stuckness I find that I am “up here” in my egoic construct (and “in my head”), disconnected from information and emotion existing within the rest of me. Inner dialogue is one way to reconnect and explore what is happening on the lower levels.
I picked this up from screenwriter David Milch who recommended it to students as his favorite exercise (my previous post about it).
It’s very simple. You offer an open space to let your parts share their opinions. Take a page and a pen and let “voice one” and “voice two” speak (in later sessions you could experiment with more). Set a timer and write (20+ minutes). Just let your hand move.
“For the next five days, find a time each day, preferably the same time, and sit down and write not less than twenty minutes and not more than fifty minutes. Don’t think about what you’re going to write before you do it. … Two voices, one and two. No names. No description.
Don’t think about what it means. Don’t think about who they are. Just follow, just hear what they say. — David Milch
Movement is the whole point. Movement from mind to body, from thinking to feeling, from conscious to unconscious. And to let what is deep within you — unexpressed, pushed away, unheard, censored, lost in the noise — move up to your awareness.
Write only for yourself. Lock it away after, throw it out, whatever removes the last barrier of self-censorship. Just keep the pen moving.
A good sign is surprise — surprising emotional intensity, language, or content and direction of the ideas expressed.
“The next day, preferably at the same time, sit down and do it again. They may be the same voices, they may be different voices, don’t worry about it. Whatever comes out is fine. Don’t think about it. Just do it.”
What emerges may be about what you’re wrestling with. It could also relate to other areas of your life that need attention. It could be a creative impulse. Your only job is to give space to whatever is alive and wants to be expressed and to experience the emotional charge.
I revisit inner dialogue regularly, like now when I wrestle with topics like money, fear, home, and identity.
Part of me wants to live in the Alps, another in New York, a third wants to blow it all up and just travel.
Part of me wants to “be a man” and make a lot of money, buy a house. Another only cares about art, play, and spirituality.
I bet you can find this diversity of inner opinion for every important topic in your life. These parts don’t go away; the polarities remain. But once they are seen and acknowledged, you can make a decision from a place of greater understanding and less tension.
Good luck!
— Frederik
2025-02-24 08:16:56
I don’t like to admit it, but I used to be jealous of people who were on a mission in life.
They seemed to have more energy, work with less effort, and move with a subtle elegance. They appeared immune to distractions and doubt, and I wanted the same. I yearned for focus, energy, and clarity. Instead I felt like I was stuck walking in circles.
How unfair, I thought. They move in flow state while I have to grind. They are on a mission. I am merely working.
If this sounds familiar, I have good news and bad news.
Good news first. Profound energy, clarity, and focus are available. They are waiting to be tapped into. But they are not ours to demand. Rather, they arise. They arise when we shift from pushing to letting ourselves be pulled, when we tap into our stream and let ourselves be carried.
More good news: no need to wolf down another book or podcast. You probably already know what you need. You carry the answers within you. (As my friend Spencer joked: the self-help book we need has “one page and says: ‘you already know what to do.’”)
More bad news: what makes the stream so powerful is also what can prevent us from finding it.
Last year, when I was stuck, I tried to push my way out.
I wanted wins, momentum, points on the board. Turn my essays about Buffett or famous investors into a book. Or go all-in on money, emotions, and meaning. Definitely a book there. Or: burn it all down, pull a Gurdjieff, travel the world and interview spiritual teachers…1
My mind had ideas, but my body said no. All push, no pull.
This year, I am feeling a new energy. I heard a whisper, felt a subtle tug. I followed the thread. The mission had been there all along. My mistake had been to think I could pick what it was.
2025-02-20 02:04:06
A few years ago, I wrote about Michael Singer’s book The Surrender Experiment. I liked the book, but I didn’t “get it.” Singer was on a spiritual path, and at the time I had no experience with that. His approach to life was to “do the work as though it were given to you by the universe itself - because it was.”
That went right over my head. Instead, I latched on to the idea of flow, effortlessly participating in the “unfolding.” I missed the profound — and profoundly challenging — idea underneath. “Do whatever is put in front of you,” Singer wrote, “with all your heart and soul without regard for personal results.”
No judgment. No aiming for a particular outcome. No “like and dislike.” No you, really. When Singer got involved in a dotcom debacle I wondered if his “passive acceptance” had not landed him in misery. Well, yes, from a conventional point of view, losing a fortune and being under indictment is an undesirable outcome.
But Singer’s only goal was to “get rid of himself.” That perspective made “every situation a fruitful experience,” an opportunity to remain the observer of his inner voice, to be in a place of deep stillness, and to not return to identifying with his “Mickey Singer” personality. Business career finished? Great, time to write books and teach!
I am revisiting his work for two reasons. First, people keep bringing him up and I feel resistance and that’s a signal in itself. Second, I am kind of living the experience already. Reluctantly and without being all Zen about it.
The most obvious example is that I don’t know what will happen after my lease ends. There are thoughts and ideas, but no strong intuition, no pull, no signal. What if I let go of the tiller and… let things unfold? I experienced a similar back and forth in writing, at times embracing the weird before anxiously snapping back to the safe ground of the known.
How often can you say I don’t know when someone asks what you’re going to do next? After a while, you feel like an idiot (and like avoiding people). How come I don’t know, you wonder again and the inner dialogue spins up for another loop. Well, we’re still in the middle of the experiment of following flow and curiosity. What, the experiment of our life? Are you mad?
So, that’s the catch. Being of two minds rather than of no-mind as Singer was. He felt himself get “more peaceful inside” as he dealt with the “ever-increasing magnitude of challenges.” I still find myself waking up at 3 in the morning..
“Life was molding me each day to become who I needed to be in order to handle tomorrow’s tasks,” he wrote. “All I had to do was let go and not resist the process.” Something to aspire to.
But you don’t have to turn your whole life into an experiment. I highly recommend Anne-Laure Le Cunff’s four step framework for “a personal growth laboratory.” I recently saw her at an event for her new book Tiny Experiments and I’ve rarely seen an audience so amped up to go out and just try more stuff (I pre-ordered the book that night).
Four steps to be more curious in areas like work, creativity, relationships, health/sports, and learning/input/new experiences:
Observation: Assess the current situation
Hypothesis: Formulate a research question
Test your hypothesis — “one action repeated enough times to collect sufficient data.”
Analyze the results
Phrase the experiment like this: I will do [action] [_ number of times / for _ time period.]
Don’t judge the results until you’re finished.
For example, in January I noticed my instruments sitting at home. My experiment was to invite a dozen people that month to my place for one-on-one sound meditations. This led to many wonderful conversations with old and new friends — but only two sessions of sound meditation.
What to make of that? Could have been the winter weather or people just being too busy. Maybe the sample was too small, or I didn’t do a good job “pitching” the experience. But maybe “the situation unfolding in front of me” was asking for something else.
Last summer, I filled a notebook with Milch’s inner dialogues. Among many insights, it led me back to alternating between German and English in my writing. Then I committed to 28 days of writing to unlock emotions. It’s a profound experience, one I revisit regularly when I notice that I am “swallowing” emotions.
After immersing myself in these methods, I keep having deep conversations about writing, journaling, creativity, healing, and personal transformation (I am collecting notes on this page). I even started coaching people with bespoke journaling prompts. Sound meditation is not that interesting right now? Let’s work on experiments to help people re-write their stories.
That’s why I like short experiments: after committing to a sprint, I get to try something new. It’s a way to be both disciplined and flexible, to move with life’s rhythms and follow the resonance.
The experiment I would recommend is — drum roll — to try a radical journaling practice. What if you committed to five sessions, twenty minutes each… I’m thinking of finally doing that monthly Zoom hangout to discuss writing/journaling prompts and whatever comes up during the solo sessions. Stay tuned for that.
I am also talking to the Substack support team about lowering the price of the subscription for new and existing subscribers (something I can’t adjust by myself). Clearly, this is no longer a finance publication but just me wrestling with everything I find fascinating and difficult — money, life, spirituality, love, books, writing, etc. I think it makes sense for the price to reflect that “personal interest” territory.
It’s time to (re-)commit to the path. What if I don’t make plans but remain open to what arises? What if I just keep meeting the moment with presence and curiosity? Will something come up or will the boat crash? I have no idea!
Will I live in a van down by the river? I hope not.. but see, that’s what makes it so tricky. Already back to like and dislike.
Well, there’s only one way to find out. At least it will be a proper experiment.
Try new things like your life depends on it. Maybe it does.
— Frederik
2025-02-15 02:38:36
Happy Friday everyone,
I caught up with Alex Morris of TSOH who recently published Buffett & Munger Unscripted, his selection of business and investing wisdom from Berkshire’s annual meetings.
I too once listened to the entire annual meeting archive and by the end, I heard Buffett and Munger’s voices in my head, cracking jokes at my expense! But I didn’t have the patience and focus to turn my notes into such a well-organized book. Kudos to Alex for making this available!
Questions I lobbed at Alex: how the research and writing process affected him, what surprised him, how he thinks about Buffett-like investors and executives (I gave my take on Buffett pitching his fund back in the days), what the media gets wrong, Buffett and Munger as guides and differences in their approaches to life, writing habits, quantity vs. quality in building a Substack — and of course whether he also heard their voices at the end.
Enjoy!
— Frederik
