2026-04-13 20:43:49
It really wasn’t that long ago that I even struggled with walking, but I am thrilled to share that I have gone roller-blading for the first time in a long time. A lot of great things are coming together this Spring and I am eager to make the best of it. Last week I made a new low of just a hair below 289. Lately I’ve been looking back at just how hard-won my newfound mobility is and reflecting on how different it feels to be able to glide again.
In truth, I was very anxious to begin roller-blading. I had become so used to everything being a painful and arduous challenge that I was expecting my first attempt to be a humiliating and frustrating experience. Once I got moving, I experienced the exact opposite. Things felt fluid and fun. In that moment it was so hard to believe that I was doing it. Actually having some momentum was a surreal and liberating experience. Feeling the wind against me as I pushed forward made me feel a concrete sense of accomplishment I truly haven’t allowed myself feel until now. It was very helpful that my twin brother sent me a tutorial video on how to avoid common beginner mistakes. I’ve still got a lot to learn but I’m very happy I’ve been able to skate around without any back pain. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate and I can become quite the skating fanatic.
I’ve been trying to have more egg whites in general, but it’s been boring to only have them scrambled.
Lately I’ve been anxious about still not being very far from 300. To be blunt, I don’t quite yet trust that it’s fully behind me. I recently bought some XL shorts not expecting them to fit and to my surprise they did! Despite the scale going slowly it does seem that I’m progressing reasonably well.
The i2p version of my site is back online, if there are any problems please let me know.
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2026-04-03 21:10:28
Lately I’ve been wrestling with a quite familiar terror brought on by world events. With escalating wars and energy shocks I find myself reminded of the dark days of the covid years. Since then I have learned that the problem isn’t fear in difficult times, but being ruled by it. One of the most frustrating things to see is how during the chaos, people get taken advantage of by opportunists and institutions alike.
To address my emotional eating, I’ve had to take a deep look at what mental and emotional troubles drive me to seek comfort. As I’ve made progress, I’ve had to wrestle with a deeper understanding of my own fear-driven compulsions. On reflection, it is clear to me that these insights have broader applications beyond just health. I hope you appreciate listening to me try to figure this out.
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2026-03-26 22:11:50
Yesterday I hit a new low of 292.6. I am so close to leaving the 290s and entering the 280s. This recent milestone was very hard won. Just as I was feeling my absolute best in body and optimism I hurt my lower back lifting. I’ve had pains and aches before in this process, but nothing before this point interfered with what little basic life capacity I had gained so much. In those moments I felt like I was just as limited as I was at my highest weight. The stiffness and soreness of the lower back caused me more than just hurt, but also absolute despair. I wasn’t at all confident I would recover. I endured a week of pure panic as I worried that I had doomed myself.
The pain itself made any kind of restraint I had when it comes to eating habits completely dissolve. Being in a state where every movement was painful and constrained terrified me on top of the shame of feeling completely out of control. In hindsight, I had so much less to fear than I thought. It was certainly scary to see the scale rise all the way up to 320 after reaching the mid 290s, but I massively underestimated how quickly I could get back on track. After a very difficult week I started to feel well enough that I began to feel in control again. I learned so much about myself throughout this.
Above all, I am very grateful for every small piece of patience I have built up throughout this process. It would seem that giving myself flexibility in the past helped allow me to better recognize the impermanence of bad food choices. In the past I would have been much harder on myself for getting off track at all. What made this different is that I was thankfully able to suspend judgement of myself for bad choices made in extreme conditions. Looking back I can definitely see how much of a real difference that made in helping me recover as I regained control.
During this ordeal, I came across a quite fitting quote: You can have 1000 problems in your life until you have a health problem. Then you only have one. It was equal parts frustrating and terrifying to experience my capacity shrink in such a sudden and extreme way. To compound the misery I developed a cold on top of the back pain which felt like a whole new level of difficulties. In a ironic sense, this was actually an excellent opportunity. I decided that since I was already feeling terrible and miserable that the huge amounts of caffeine I was back to having were not actually able to help me at all. So I chose to take advantage of this already challenging time to quit caffeine ‘cold-turkey’ yet again.
This time around, I actually learned something new about myself: all these years, I have actually just been masking sleep deprivation with caffeine. I vastly underestimated the benefits of sleep during ideal circadian timing. Since I was still able to walk, one of the first things I worked to rebuild as I began to feel better was getting my daily step counts back to over 15K. What I noticed is that the high daily activity and no longer having caffeine in my system made sleeping at proper times much more accessible, even if it is still a daily struggle. Having only improved my sleep moderately for a short period of time, I can say the advantages in terms of alertness and focus are un-paralleled.
Moving forward, I am going to continue to spend effort prioritizing proper sleep. I am hoping it will nicely compliment my ambition to stay highly active, and I think it will be required to continue to make radical progress. The hardest part about it really is having to go without many personal tasks that I would like to accomplish day-to-day. At least for now, I see this as me investing in future capacity and that I just need to be patient with myself as the rewards come in.
As I was beginning to feel better, I had the excellent opportunity to volunteer at a power-lifting meet. To me, it really meant a great deal to be able to be there for the many people from my gym who have been cheering me on in my process. I’m fairly used to seeing people lift heavy weights, but seeing people I knew make world records in their weight class was quite the eye-opener. It was quite a lot of fun to witness and a joy to be a part of. In the short term I’m very hesitant to put a lot of weight on my back, but I can certainly see myself working on my bench press to eventually participate. I can definitely say being more engaged with the community around my gym goes a long way to expand my horizons in helpful ways.
I’ve said before that dieting is just a collection of skills, this recent ordeal has emphasized to me the principal importance of stress management. I am beginning to recognize that the root of my emotional eating patterns is a more broader response to soothing myself with food for a much wider variety of stressors. In reflecting on this I now believe that becoming familiar with a variety of activities is not just useful for neuroplasticity but also to not confine oneself to a single method of soothing. Of course, this area seems to be where prevention is worth a pound of cure. So it is worth doing what can be done to manage internal and external sources of stress.
Unfortunately, it seems to be quite difficult to turn away from well-reinforced methods of soothing and adopt new ones. I’m beginning to recognize how important it is to proactively develop a wider variety of tools for bringing comfort. What seems to help is to embrace a combination of active and passive strategies to account for time and energy limitations. This helps me realize what makes doom-scrolling such a difficult trap, it’s the worst of both passive and active engagement. You’re engaged enough to be drained, but it’s too passive to feel accomplished at all.
Active soothing
Passive soothing
I’d love to hear what really helps keep you fresh!
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2026-03-06 21:17:28
I am feeling refreshed and ready these days, I hope you’ll enjoy this pleasant reflection on my recent thoughts and progress.
I’m beginning to actually feel lighter on my feet. Moving around is feeling not quite effortless, but at least substantially easier. Regular morning walks are doing wonders for my mood and even productivity. It seems that as the snow melts away so too is the fat covering up what I have built over the last while. I am regularly receiving compliments from people at the gym and even being asked for tips!
I feel wholly recharged and ready to take on the ambitious plans I have for this year. I’ve had some real frustrating setbacks recently, but I’m very excited to make the best of the road ahead.
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2026-02-26 22:01:31
I’m happy to share this ‘filler’ update that’s not much more than just a snapshot of what’s on my mind at this stage. I’m thrilled to share that I’ve been averaging over 10k steps a day for the last month. I think the extra movement has done me a great deal of good, and I’m glad to be no longer letting Winter stop me from being outside. I am very grateful for the additional sunshine every day now that Spring feels within reach.
Last time I asked "Can weight loss be FUN?" and had some thoughts on that I wanted to share.
Peace, calm & patience are underrated
It is a genuine shame that for many, a weight loss journey usually begins with a significant amount of pressure. I have noticed that both external and self-inflicted pressure are corrosive to what it really takes to prioritize living a healthy life. I have noticed that stress management is one of the most important fights in the overall process. Urgency, even when well-placed, has to be handled with care.
I am beginning to recognize the benefits of slower approaches and prioritizing presence over performance. So many very important changes are subtle and only noticeable over the long term. No amount of wishing for quick fixes or desperate bursts of unsustainable effort will ever amount to actual change. Real progress only comes from being content with small day-to-day refinements that build up over time.
Ironically, it was really weightlifting that has helped teach me this. It feels like the harder you push in short bursts, the harder the body pushes back. The ‘slow and steady’ approach of building momentum is so much more effective than trying to constantly borrow capacity from the future. Accepting that things take time really does go a long way to refocus on refinement rather than unending reinvention.
Take on parallel adventures
Having spent well over a year losing weight intensely, I can certainly attest that being kind to your mind is a primary objective. Instead of trying to spend every moment ruminating over the weight loss process itself, it is very helpful to enjoy other long-term pursuits. So many of the changes needed to transform the body over time are very applicable to other interesting domains.
For example, I’ve found it enjoyable to learn to cook during this process. It is a great opportunity to build up self-efficacy and is very complimentary skill to dieting. Weight-lifting has been a very enjoyable adventure during this time, and I am looking forward to taking on more active skills. But not all pursuits need to be complimentary with weight loss. I think creative pursuits are definitely worth taking on if for no other reason to be more than a ‘one trick pony’ once the transformation is complete. I feel like I have been missing out for not reading fiction during this time,
Invest in preparation
Anything you can do to save yourself trouble goes quite a long way. Spending the time to plan things out on reasonable timeframes can do a great deal of good. Removing guesswork can definitely reduce background stress and reduce ‘decision fatigue’ day-to-day. A big part of this is ensuring you’re well equipped, having comfortable and reliable gear for activities makes a huge difference. At this stage, I’m really realizing how important it is to try to be proactive rather than reactive.
Make the best of the outdoors
Winter has been a harsh reminder that sunshine isn’t something to be taken for granted. As hard as it’s been I’ve come to realize that wrestling with the cold for some fresh air is absolutely worthwhile. Anything that can be done to enjoy time spent walking is worth it. Most of the time I’m listening to music or podcasts, but bringing someone along is great too. When I was starting out walks felt entirely unbearable, the standing alone would be painful fairly quickly. Now I’m really trying to appreciate the fact that I can choose to slow down and enjoy my walks as I go along.
Hope and optimism
Starting out, it was very difficult for me to believe that change was possible. To the degree I felt it could be done I was terrified it wouldn’t amount to enough. It is genuinely hard to be hopeful and optimistic when the smallest day-to-day challenges feel overwhelming and insurmountable. In getting to where I am now, I can recognize that it is absolutely vital to nurture your ability to feel joy and inspiration. Joining your own team, and building yourself up is the foundation that can make the biggest difference in the face of difficult challenges. Anything you can do to connect with understanding people is worthwhile. Finding people who are supportive and encouraging will absolutely help you learn to be gentler to yourself among other things. There is much to treasure in others, and recognizing it will help you appreciate your own gifts.
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2026-02-13 20:41:31
It has been quite a struggle to share some thoughts lately. I am realizing just how important these reflections have been to my overall process, so I am very glad to share this update, despite not having much progress to show for it. Despite recently breaking below 300lbs, I am currently hovering just above that as I’m trying reorient myself to push hard. I hope you’ll enjoy this off-the-cuff monologue of my latest reflections on how I want to make the best of the road ahead.
Despite being very far from done, I am noticing significant changes in my self-image. Very slowly I began to notice I was reflexively avoiding my reflection less and less lately. This recently culminated in actually smiling back at myself for a brief moment. I don’t have a whole lot to say about this beyond the fact that this is a notable event that I want to capture and appreciate.
Getting back into meal-prepping has been a bit of a challenge. I’ve vastly underestimated the benefits of having pre-prepared meals when things are difficult. I am very glad to have at least made the next week significantly easier and I am definitely motivated to keep this up moving forward.
Given that getting to where I want to be is going to require a great deal of time and effort for quite a while, I feel that I need to learn to truly enjoy the process. Up until this point I can admit that the vast majority of the enjoyment I’ve gotten from this process have been just about the numbers in my spreadsheet. The problem with this is that it’s ultimately results-driven rather than process driven. I recognize that so many aspects of building a healthier life can be quite fun. Cooking, going for walks, lifting weights, being around people, and so many of the things I’m doing in this process are fun on their own, so why not in totality? I guess that a big part of the problem is pressure. I want to be driven and motivated by the idea of becoming more capable and taking better care of myself rather than a shame spiral over my limitations.
What I’m trying to reorient in my mind is to reframe my conception of this process as a joyful adventure rather than a grueling gauntlet I need to merely survive. I think a way to do this is to double-down on this as a learning process. I’m beginning to realize that a truly growth-oriented mindset is a lot more than just understanding change is possible. It would seem that patience and compassion are foundational to it. I have been really reflecting on how to disconnect the idea of high standards from harshness and impatience. How do I push myself to reach greater heights out of love rather than fear? One largely-untapped resource of joy available to me in this process has been the absolute bounty of encouragement I regularly receive. I still recognize the all-too-familiar numbness preventing me from truly appreciating the kindness I’ve received up to this point. Being open to really focus on those moments and cherish them for what they are is a clear opportunity to derive more joy from this process.
On a more foundational level, I’m recognizing that I need to figure out how to derive joy from doing the things necessary to live a healthy life. The more I think of it, the more it seems to be less of a mystery and more a process of decoupling the goals and strategies from cruel judgement. It feels so natural to believe “I must do this because I am terrible” rather than “I care enough to work on this problem”. I now believe that the problem isn’t actually a lack of intrinsic motivation, but rather a focus on negative intrinsic motivators over positive ones. Reorienting this seems to be very difficult problem. Internal and external pressures seem to be what fuels the harshness, and addressing those can be very complex. So for the rest of this year I have a real question to answer: how can someone enjoy the process of building health despite the pressures and difficulty? I certainly don’t have much of one now, but I am excited to work on that problem.
An axe I have to grind is that people very often want to tell others to “just do X” to resolve various problems. I had a conversation with Samuel about how telling someone to “just install Linux” isn’t exactly a silver-bullet. I wholeheartedly believe that much of this is well-intentioned and is actually people trying to help, but in practice it’s rarely what brings change. Everyone has particular circumstances and capacity to take on particular changes. In my mind, I now think of the process of changing lifestyle and mindsets as very similar to the game of carpenty in Puzzle Pirates but Tetris is also a good metaphor. In both games time passes and mistakes compound. Ultimately the objective is to fit a piece within a space that it may or may not perfectly fit inside. With careful planning and diligent work, it is certainly possible to make the best of any particular piece. That is not the same as saying all pieces are equally useful at all times in the game.
For me, I am realizing that my negative habits relating to sleep are ‘costing me’ a significant amount of space that I need to really focus on resolving them to fit better habits. For example it’s very difficult to go on a morning walk when being reliably awake in the morning is a challenge on its own, and has knock on effects on other things. As such I now see the process of changing habits as a ’trade’ where you try to move time and effort from one domain into another. Naturally some trades are profitable than others in particular situations. The real challenge seems to be about recognizing the opportunities in high value trades.
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