2025-08-05 05:28:40
The long awaited Ghost 6.0 is OUT! This version is the much-anticipated update that allows self-hosters to use “the social web” with their Ghost websites. This is pretty good news, but for me it was quite a headache. I had already migrated one of my websites Canadian Cyber Freedom to Ghost in anticipation for this particular update. It seems that Ghost didn’t integrate activitypub support into ghost directly (which seems like an odd choice) but instead requires two new containers (and multiple others for their analytics support).
Unfortunately, none of this is clear when you just upgrade your Ghost container to version 6. Social web support will appear to be on, but it won’t actually work. I immediately checked the documentation and it says you just need to update your environment variables. Which lead me to realizing that I needed to configure additional containers by checking the new docker-compose.yaml file. Counter to the official recommendation I’m running Mariadb instead of mysql, this is a HARD STOP for the activitypub-migrate container, so if you’re doing that too you’ll need to setup a new mysql container just for activitypub support.
I hope people who are stuck on trying to get federation via Ghost might find this post helpful. Once you’re setting this up, it’s important to clear cache & cookies regularly until you’ve confirmed it’s working. If you can load the new parts of Ghost after logging in to an incognito tab, you’ve configured everything correctly.
You’re going to need to make sure fediverse requests are handled by the activitypub container. The port I chose was arbitrary, but you can configure your own in the compose file.
Here are my settings:
location ~ /.ghost/activitypub/* {
proxy_pass http://localhost:2369;
proxy_set_header X-Forwarded-For $remote_addr;
add_header Access-Control-Allow-Origin *;
proxy_set_header Host $host;
proxy_set_header X-Forwarded-Proto https;
}
location ~ /.well-known/(webfinger|nodeinfo) {
proxy_pass http://localhost:2369;
proxy_set_header X-Forwarded-For $remote_addr;
add_header Access-Control-Allow-Origin *;
proxy_set_header Host $host;
proxy_set_header X-Forwarded-Proto https;
}
X-Forwarded-Proto cause of this issue
You need to add the two new containers to your docker-compose.yaml and configure the correct DB. activitypub-migrate just needs to do its work, so you can just re-launch it with docker-compose up or docker-compose restart activitypub-migrate when needed.
activitypub:
image: ghcr.io/tryghost/activitypub:edge
restart: always
volumes:
- ./ap_uploads:/opt/activitypub/content
ports:
- 2369:2369
environment:
PORT: 2369
NODE_ENV: production
MYSQL_HOST: mysql
MYSQL_USER: root
MYSQL_PASSWORD: YOUR_PASSWORD_HERE
MYSQL_DATABASE: activitypub
LOCAL_STORAGE_PATH: /opt/activitypub/content/images/activitypub
LOCAL_STORAGE_HOSTING_URL: https://YOUR_WEBSITE/content/images/activitypub
depends_on:
- mysql
activitypub-migrate:
image: ghcr.io/tryghost/activitypub-migrations:edge
environment:
MYSQL_DB: mysql://root:YOUR_PASSWORD_HERE@tcp(mysql:3306)/activitypub
depends_on:
- mysql
Any website served by ghosts hosted service should already be accessible. You can now follow these sites via the fediverse by their @[email protected] handle. But I’m concerned that self-hosted set-ups will run into the issues that I did.
I noticed that @[email protected] works great, but @[email protected] sadly doesn’t.
You can test if the self-hosted ghost instance has activitypub configured by going to example.com/.ghost/activitypub/users/index/ and seeing if you get a reply or an error.
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2025-08-02 02:52:49
I was elated while recording this walking monologue. I was granted a single day where I recovered from particularly intense muscle soreness. Recognizing a bit of a lack of appreciation for the hard-won challenges, I took this as an opportunity to reflect on past, present, and upcoming changes. Things are exciting these days as my life has radically transformed, but I can really notice how much soreness keeps my mood down. Ideally, I would learn to better pace myself, but for now I’ll contend with the fact that “pushing hard is hard”.
The past and the future is very much on my mind. I really wish I had consistently taken notes prior to beginning to turn things around. I wish I could go back and talk to myself during the worst of it and interrogate my state of mind back then. I certainly remember a fair amount of it, but I am noticing that I have already begun taking many changes for granted. I was absolutely too hard on myself, but maybe I’m not so different these days. What I do know is that I’m not excited enough for what’s ahead. I don’t really think I can comprehend how good I’ll feel once I can bike as regularly as I’ve been walking lately.
I spoke to my trainer about this and he reminded me of what he remembered from when I first set foot in the gym. On my first day I told him the 45 minutes I spent on my feet that day was the longest I had in a very long time. An early victory I had was when I realized I could stand still instead of needing to constantly sway and re-balance just to stay in place. I’ve come a long way, but it feels like I’ve only really begun to ‘let it in’.
An exciting achievement lately was being able to dead hang for a few moments. Even though is around 8 seconds, I think it’s really cool that I can grip over 180lbs in each hand. It really feels like my grip strength gains are paying off, but getting 200lbs off me certainly made a difference as well. This is definitely something I want to work on improving moving forward.
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2025-07-22 08:00:00
I really would like your feedback on what features are essential for a desktop RSS reader to have in 2025! I am not a designer, so UX suggestions are very much valued. I want this project to be built for making the open web a first-class contender with other media systems. The more feedback I get early on, the better this can be in the long run.
Open video if player isn’t working
I’m not special. I wholeheartedly that any experienced programmer could build what I’m hoping to deliver in much less time. This project is primarily for my own learning, but I want to deliver something game-changing. If you appreciate the vision I’m outlining here, I hope you would consider sharing your thoughts.
I wanted to actually get good at programming. Over the years what little I’ve done had gotten quite rusty, and I wanted to change that. As a challenge, I’ve been forcing myself to learn a GUI toolkit. Last year I started this project, but as my weight loss journey became demanding it fell by the wayside. Recently I’ve returned to it and have been making great progress. It has been going very well and it is very gratifying to work on. Iced is becoming more familiar to mes. It is great to finally be at the point where there is a lot less guesswork in getting things to actually run.
Ideally, I would be building small silly things for fun to learn, but I’m too stubborn for that. I want to build something that actually matters, and has a chance of making a difference. On the other hand, it has to actually be something I can create, because no program means no impact at all. So I had to come up with something that felt important but achievable.
The plan is to build myself a desktop RSS reader. I’ve written before that more software needs to be written for RSS and I think there’s a lot of opportunity here. Currently I use FreshRSS for keeping up with feeds, but I want something on the desktop that supports more features and especially multimedia like AntennaPod. Kasts is also a great podcast client on the desktop that works pretty well with written content. With these in mind, the goal is to truly highlight the multimedia experience that the open web can be. Instead of being primarily focused on podcasts or articles, the plan is to make the best of both.
Despite the potential behind Ladybird, I’m turbo bearish on browsers. AI chatbots replacing search engines, and short-form video dominating the information landscape are terrible things for the cultivation of a valuable independent web. My goal is to build an RSS tool so powerful that I’ll hardly need a browser. Not only that, but I believe that it’s important to solve the demand side of the attention economy as well as the supply side. As such, I want to build a tool that can bring real eyeballs and attention to independent web sites. This means that the application has to be as user-friendly as possible. Discovery features are essential to connecting people with the open web. I’m excited about the fact that this can be purely meritocratic, feeds can be discovered from feeds you already follow. Purely individual, no opinionated or manipulative algorithms needed.
I have many ideas for what I consider to be a truly modern refinement of what a desktop RSS reader should be. I think by actually building a desktop client, so much of the massive privacy attack-surface of browsers can be eliminated. It’s become clear to me that browsers are (at least for now) in a particularly terrible state and I don’t want the open web to die with them. The fact of the matter is, big tech systems always raise the bar for what people expect out of their tools. It is crucial that a modern RSS reader has many features that provide competitive value without sacrificing privacy or autonomy. This requires some genuinely creative thinking if I say so myself. By broadening the scope of what such a tool can be used for, many exciting options open up.
For example, I’ve essentially used FreshRSS as my own mini search engine. With full-text search capabilities and other features, an RSS reader can be a powerful information management tool. Just as I fear for the future of web browsers, I am also concerned about the future of search engines as a whole. If we allow AI agents to be the new gatekeepers of the web, the idea of directly searching the web comes under fire. I definitely want to build a tool that opposes this force head-on. One advantage of building this in 2025 is that expecting users to store archives of their RSS feeds is a relatively trivial demand for most systems. As such, I think search and information management features are a serious game-changer for a modern RSS reader. I already use Logseq and I’ll be thinking about what integrations would be desirable. My hope is that this would create a real avenue for valuable resources to be discovered and engaged with.
It has been pointed out that an advantage of ‘darknet’ sites is that anyone can set one up without having to pay for a domain, or having to expose a public IP to the Internet. Treating Tor & I2P (and hopefully other networks as well) as first-class resources allows users to leverage these powerful censorship resistance technologies. The dream of this is that instead of valuable hidden services being siloed away, they can be full participants in the greater open web. I believe this alone-makes this project a valuable pursuit. A great deal of (actual human) web traffic to my (relatively small) web presence is from both Tor & I2P, this is one way I hope to ‘give back’.
You can subscribe to arbitrary feeds
Code is written to discover feeds from an arbitrary url.
via `<link rel="alternate">`
Feeds & items are saved and retrieved from the database
Feed content is properly parsed with my module to build objects for the iced gui.
Browsing feeds and items works
Item view page successfully displays article contents (without multimedia for now)
TTS with Piper
Configuration wizard
Different views for particular kinds of content
Video support via iced_video_player
I’d really like any and all thoughts you may have about what’s worth including or how to get particular features right. If you have any thoughts or suggestions I would really appreciate it if you’d contact me.
Given that I fully intend to support clearnet & darknets, I’d love to feedback on how they should be handled. The easiest would be to simply load content from it’s respective network, but maybe some people would want to use Tor for clearnet connections as well. I think there are many people much more knowledgeable than me who would have very useful thoughts on how best to handle this.
An obvious low-hanging fruit would be to suggest feeds linked from the open article/podcast. I’m curious what other useful avenues are worth considering when it comes to offering suggestions. I was thinking that some form of ranked suggestions based off similar feeds is an interesting idea. I would definitely be open to specific suggestions on this front.
Getting the application to look acceptable will be a significant achievement on my part. Any and all suggestions are going to be vital in the long run.
If you’re excited by the prospect of a new RSS client with fancy features, any help you can offer would go a long way to making my life a lot easier. I can accept donations through Liberapay or via Monero. I am hoping that once this project beings to show promise, that I can work on this and other similarly inspired projects full-time. I want to spend my time building things that frustrate tyrants.
xmr:83H6o3oMRYog28CbFfG1bQ5vdVG9MQ3itSF1HAPygTyrPsQ7zsXwPXcB5WBei3RqDpdHjitWTeZWkQJSXK3VF8VRG4e2e9R
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2025-07-20 22:16:53
Watch video on: Peertube
I am thrilled to report that I have finally hit a major milestone: having lost over two hundred pounds. It has been a long road, and I still have so much more territory to cover, but there’s a lot to celebrate here. I’m very happy to be much more mobile and capable. So many things that were out of reach not that long ago are things I’m doing regularly. Walking is no longer a chore and is something I do for fun!
I’ve come quite a long way since my first post. Even just since January, I’m down over 100lbs. What I’ve noticed the most is the fitness progress. I’m able to do so much more without being tired and various exercises are progressing well. It has been so exciting to learn to do so many new things and slowly make progress towards more ambitious goals. I’m still not able to complete a push-up, but my modified push-ups are getting better over time.
I’ve got a lot of work to do, but I’m constantly finding more and more to look forward to. Many of the anxieties and fears are beginning to gradually fade as I’m feeling more confident as a whole. There are still many difficult problems to tackle in the future, but I feel more equipped than ever to tackle them. Learning to regain control over myself has changed not only my weight, but also my outlook and approaches to problems.
My webring neighbor Jacob has been putting out great posts on fitness & Health. I especially like that you can learn a lot from reading the details from his cook book recipes, the peanut butter one was very illuminating for me.
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2025-07-13 08:00:00
Disclaimer: As always, this blog is about my perspective and understanding. I don’t claim to have the final word on anything, but especially thorny topics like this. This isn’t a particularly pleasant exploration, so you can expect me to bring up heavy topics like psychological and physical abuse. Reader’s discretion is advised.
The mind is a very powerful thing. I like to think of the mind as the bridge between the body and the soul. It impacts both, and can be impacted by either. Our general understanding of our brain is that it is quite adaptive. I know first-hand what this is like having suffered from a stroke that impacted my vision. Despite losing at least a quarter of my field-of-view, it is staggering how the brain tricks me into thinking I still can see just as well. When I play video games I’ll compensate by “blind-firing” in spots players are likely to be based off my understanding of the map. This compensation for my visual limitations does help me enjoy some of these games, but I’m like a fish out of water on maps I’m not familiar with. It’s hard to describe, but there are many similar brain quirks that people may know about.
In my experience, the incredible power of a human brain is a phenomenal blessing, but also represents unique challenges. The body, including the brain, has an impressive capacity to adapt to all kinds of situations. This adaptability itself has both positive and negative consequences. Many people lean on ’evo-psych’ for explaining many common behaviors, but I’ve become more convinced that you can explain a lot of bizarre behavior if you simply know the problem being overcome.
But nothing is more bizarre than the fact that people don’t all agree on the prevalence of an ‘internal monologue’. One would think that since we’re all essentially running the same hardware our mental software should at have some common attributes. Often times, those with an internal monologue can’t comprehend the idea that people live without it. (I’ve personally struggled quite a bit!) On the other hand, when I have talked with friends and relatives who claim not to have an internal monologue running all the time, their reaction is one of shock: “That must be so exhausting!”.
The academic term for having an internal monologue is “inner speech”. As I experience it, it is where one internally vocalizes a running stream of thoughts that can include anything and everything. Almost every waking moment my mind is racing from one idea or feeling to the next. This monologue has often been a roller-coaster of feelings, where I try to anticipate things. This regularly leads me to extreme reactions to particular events, details or information as a rush of feelings and ideas all try to fight for attention. Day to day, it’s like listening to an audiobook written by someone who tried summarizing a million short-form tiktok videos.
It has it’s advantages for sure. Playing with ideas is fun and easy. It is trivial to get lost in thought and entertaining oneself is relatively straightforward. When one has to fill so many waking hours with so many thoughts you definitely end up covering a lot of ground. Momentary obsessions become long explorations into all kinds of aspects of things, as one shifts focus from detail to novelty over and over. Because of this there is a peculiar arrogance by some who assume that having an internal monologue makes one intellectually superior to those who don’t.
Rather than deriding those without inner speech as “NPCs” or other similar derogatory terms, I would often recognize that these people were often much better “doers” than I was. I can certainly recognize ways in which a deluge of negative ‘self-talk’ has drastically impacted my life in a wide variety of negative ways. I always noticed that many of those without internal monologues also lacked particular struggles I took for granted. The more I think about it, having an ongoing internal monologue is likely a very inefficient way to use your thinking energy. If one is not careful on how their cognition is directed, it can easily get the best of them. True learning happens from taking action applying what one understands. The ways in which a negative internal monologue prevents someone from taking action also prevents someone from actually getting the important real-time feedback needed to grow. Through my own weight loss journey I began to realize that much of my inner speech included patterns I needed to overcome. There is a huge difference between rational self-doubt as and endless self-flagellation. As I’ve built up discipline, had time to reflect, and made a lot of progress losing weight I’ve begun to understand how much an internal monologue can get in the way of self-mastery.
Improving my situation required me to directly confront the root causes of many of my personal behaviors and thought patterns. This was not an easy thing for me to do. It took me quite a bit of time to finish reading Understanding and overcoming negative emotions which did put much of this into focus. I began recognizing how many of my behaviors were about soothing fears and seeking safety. Despite being quite physically safe, I recognized that I always felt unsafe in the labyrinth of my chattering mind. Only once I read Prometheus Rising did I begin to question the nature of having an internal monologue at all. Over time, I have become convinced that “inner speech” is an adaptation to stressful social situations in childhood and youth. I think this may come as a shock to many with internal monologues that believe that “everything was fine”. There was once a time I too thought everything was fine until information I was not aware of was brought to light.
I can definitely recognize there are advantages to having/using inner speech. It definitely helps me think through ideas that I’m wrestling with, and I think I’ve managed to make some good out of that. It has made me wonder in what situations were these advantages required. Why did I feel it was so important to be mentally hyper-active from a young age? Looking back, it’s so clear but also very troubling. It only takes a few times of your paranoia being proven right to start feeding the beast.
Adaptations to particular problems don’t all need to be uniform. People who struggle with all kinds of addictions can often point to the same root causes like stress, pressure, or escapism. To make things even more confusing, not all adaptations will have wholly negative or positive outcomes. What may seem advantageous to others can be a solution to a problem that comes at a significant cost. It is typical for those with difficult family lives to end up as “people-pleasers”, extroverts or peace-makers. This doesn’t mean that these are inherently bad attributes, rather than there can often be tragic sources of them. It is for this reason I have come to suspect that because inner speech is not uniform across humanity, it may be such an adaptation.
Another detail here is that many of these things exist on a continuum. One may only need a relatively small amount of turmoil in their youth to have a particular level of adaptations. I do believe these kinds of circumstances can arise even in particularly extreme life events. I don’t see a reason to necessarily believe too strongly in a formulaic understanding of this. I definitely don’t think it’s as simple as someone having x,y,z set of experiences creates conditions a,b and c. If anything what makes this so complex is our ability to adapt to circumstances in a wide variety of ways.
I wholeheartedly believe that an inner monologue is a form of hyper-vigilance that develops as a survival strategy to some form of extreme or chronic insecurity. One thing I learned from Anton Wilson’s book Prometheus Rising is how brainwashing relies on the psyche’s need for safety. I think people vastly underestimate how high the bar for safety actually is. Dr Peter Breggin’s book discusses about how traumatic it is for children to merely perceive being unloved and the consequences that may have. Fundamentally the insecurity or danger can be relatively short-lived or even abstract. That said, I believe many people are prone to downplay the tragedies of their childhoods, to either protect their own conception of their parents, or to protect the parents themselves from any guilt.
To make matters worse I believe abusers weaponize this to keep their victims compliant and silent. One would assume that speaking in your head constantly would make speaking externally much easier but in practice it doesn’t. This is because the process of piecing things together in your mind has you building on information and context that is very hard to vocalize in a short period of time. Those attempting to explain their circumstances may simply confuse listeners if they can’t plainly state the important details. To the hyper-vigilant mind, you feel you can never prove your case and struggle with feeling understood. This is very likely because abusers often have information asymmetry advantages over their victims.
Regardless of the actual source of an internal monologue, I wholeheartedly believe that people need to be on guard for the sophisticated mental malware that abusers weaponize against their victims. I believe that inner speech is a defense mechanism to various forms of abuse. Gaslighting means one either has to defend their inner reality or reinforce the false one. Someone with authority putting you down also requires you to either reinforce your own self-worth or belittle yourself on their behalf. A lack of physical safety can lead to one constantly assessing their surroundings and the people around them. All this often leaves little time for actually practicing being heard and understood.
I am convinced that all this is leveraged by abusers. The purpose of gaslighting isn’t truly to convince the victims, but to inflict the ultimate humiliation when they accept the false reality. This creates a debt of guilt and shame that can be an insurmountable burden on many. Because of this, I believe that any chronic form of negative self-talk is a sign of mental malware being deployed. Who does it ultimately serve that such a large portion of the public are not just doubting their selves, but their own comprehension of reality.
This is where I struggle with those who try to police language of fellow activists. Very often you’ll see people nit-picking language used on particular issues, yet others just continue on without any issue. I believe that language is important for those who are trapped in their own mind prison, but not for those who aren’t. Despite what many would believe, there are many ways of thinking and inner speech is just part of a bigger whole. Those of us with inner speech do have to consider “whose words am I speaking to myself?” and why.
It is absolutely crucial to understand this, because once you recognize this pattern you see it in many other dynamics across the world. Just as computer viruses aren’t an ‘accident’ to the power structures of the world mental malware “is a feature, not a bug”.
Suppose you’ll grant these base assumptions:
Those two assumptions are enough to explain a great deal of troubling but seemingly unsolvable problems we see today. Robert Anton Wilson’s book Prometheus Rising explains this quite well. To paraphrase: parents don’t hit their kids because it’s good for the child’s development, but because it molds the child into compliant units the system needs. Of course not every parent does this, but without societal stigma to keep it in check, this explains how it would become so prevalent. Robert Anton Wilson argues that our society creates the incentives for all kinds of abuse because the abuse itself maintains power.
You’ll know you understand this model of mental malware once you start seeing it everywhere. Incomprehensible lies by those in authority, threats, people being pit against each other, scapegoating, and many other tactics look like a lot more than just incidental slights. I worry that wrestling with this isn’t easy, especially for those afflicted with hostile internal monologues. In true Libre Solutions Network form, I wouldn’t write about such a dark topic if I didn’t have anything helpful to say. I promise you that your internal monologue can be transformed from curse to gift as long as you accept that you can reprogram your inner monologue.
I can understand being skeptical that your internal monologue can change in substance and nature. Just over a year ago I thought it was something that was impossible to change. It is genuinely hard to believe change is possible when one has struggled with such a tragic mental prison for so long. While change is certainly achievable it is by no means simple, and does take time. There are many books on the subject, and I’ve read a couple. Some suggestions are simple, some are absolutely abstract to those in our situation. It’s genuinely hard to know where to start.
While I’m certainly no expert on the topic (is anyone?) but based off my personal development over the last few years I’ve come to appreciate how intertwined my mental and physical health journeys are. To put this into numbers, I’ve gone from having a (at least) 80% negative internal monologue to having a 50% positive inner speech with far more neutral and far less negative self-talk. I know the process will be different for every person, but these are the techniques I’ve found that really made a difference even in the worst of it all.
Mental malware leverages every minute piece of information we come across. Instead of you seeing something for what it is, you have to use it to add fuel to your mental machine. Something you see may drive you feel worse about yourself, or make you angry at others. It becomes easy to lose perspective and become strangely narrow-minded despite being exposed to so much variety. This can create a negative feedback loop where you seek out more variety which just adds more fuel to the fire.
I can only guess, but I’m convinced those of us with hyperactive minds “can’t look away” from tragedy and terror. It can be just keeping up with the news, or investigating various things, but we often fool ourselves into thinking the negativity has no cost on our psyche. I think the rational impulse to recognize and understand dangers goes into overdrive in a self-destructive capacity.
I won’t tell you to “digital disconnect” and just take breaks from it all. That’s a nice step, but I know from experience that’s a LOT easier said than done. I think the better place to start is to be more judicious about what information you’re exposing yourself to constantly. I think it’s reasonable to be afraid of hiding from the world, but it is important to remember you have to actually be able to face it, not just absorb the stimulus.
To help decide if something is worth your attention ask yourself:
If you suffer from constant and cruel self-talk like I have, it’s seriously worth considering mega-dosing yourself with actual positivity. Whatever you find encouraging or pumps you up. It can be stories, memes, music, quotes, or even just cute animals online. Taking time to save and curate your own collection of inspiration and peace is absolutely worth it. Adding positivity is never about avoiding negativity all-together, but about ensuring you’re recharged enough to actually act to tackle problems. Instead of letting platforms and habit dictate your information do whatever you can to deliberately access what you choose to.
I have my own collection of motivational memes that have helped me quite a bit in my weight loss journey. Your collection should speak to you as a person. Find things that make you happy to be alive and prepared to take on your struggles. Filling your attention with encouraging messages can help drown out the maze of negativity you’re struggling with. You need to be told that you can do it, you can achieve things, and that you can make it all worth it.
This isn’t merely about drowning out all the negative noise. It’s about filling your life with a chorus of what you should be saying to yourself and others. Over time, you reprogram your inner monologue to work for the things you want, rather than against you. Making the conscious choice to change what information you’re passively and actively absorbing is what will allow you to change the inputs of your mind. If you don’t think you can do something, find all the examples of people who have. If you can’t find any real examples, find stories of similar situations. Challenge yourself to rewrite not only your own story, but your approach to it.
When you’ve spent so long turning on yourself, it becomes very easy to turn against life itself. It becomes so easy to withdraw from everything. You start distancing from others, and it snowballs into hiding from the life around you. Shame and regret are difficult burdens. Overcoming them is no simple task, but to live in the moment you need to have a positive conception of the future. Fully committing to playing the cards you’re dealt as well as you can will help you salvage something you can be proud of. Once you’ve done that you’re on track to truly living again.
Developing self-awareness is paradoxically a critical step. We may think by overthinking we’re self-aware, but it’s highly likely that the mental malware is driving us to avoid being self-aware. Telling yourself that you don’t matter or that your needs aren’t important is not self-awareness, it’s doing the work of the enemy for them. Choosing life means not just choosing to participate in your life, but also to experience it. I can say this is no small feat. Giving yourself permission to actually focus on the moment is genuinely challenging when you’ve been taught that you need your mind running to stay safe. Overcoming this requires you to rebuild your confidence from the ground up.
Choosing life can be hard when we suffer hardship. The scars will be with us, and for many it can be terribly painful. I don’t have an emotionally satisfying answer to the Problem of Evil. What I can say is that while we can’t change the past, we can learn to appreciate the life ahead of us. Overcoming tragedy is never easy, and never simple. If you can give yourself credit for the heroism involved in willingly taking it all on, things can begin to fall into place. There is so much that can change, and you’ll be proud of what you can make happen.
This means learning to knowingly face your life for what it is. Instead of retreating to escapism to avoid your troubles and defeats, you can now properly prioritize taking care of yourself to face them. Choosing to actually experience your life is an exercise in gratitude, hope, and love. It takes gratitude to keep joy alive. You’ll need to fuel yourself with hope for the future, whatever it may bring. It takes love to endure the hardships, but it also makes it worthwhile. Escaping escapism requires tackling your pain head-on, and that demands a lot. Living life is about recognizing your troubles and making progress. Demanding perfection of life, others, or yourself is not facing reality but living in a fantasy.
I used to have a saying: “You’re not wasting time if you’re learning, creating, or sharing.” I’ve now decided that this was cope. I spent very little time creating or sharing under that mantra. I now realize that creating and sharing are what drives learning. Learning on its own, without application, is just collecting, and can absolutely be a waste of time. A simple way to start is to try making things out of what you’ve collected. If you’ve learned a lot about animals you can make art or memes about them. The hardest part is being comfortable sucking at what you’re doing. Your mind has likely tricked you into thinking that analyzing everything has made you adept at many things, once you finally start working on things it will be quite a humbling experience.
But it’s not all bad, once you get started you’ll be surprised at how quickly you discover an unfamiliar feeling that soothes your mind. When your body and mind are aligned on a task you enter the ‘flow state’ where things feel natural. You’re no longer distracted by your own petty insecurities, instead you’re fully engaged with whatever you’re taking on at the moment. This is the prize of transforming your inner monologue: being able to fully engage with the world around you. As you develop self-mastery you can finally put the immense power of your mind to accomplishing things you never would have imagined.
Once you’ve rebuilt your confidence, definitely take the time to connect with others. Appreciate those who’ve been for you in the difficult times, and find ways to pay it forward. We were put on this earth with others for a reason, and I think it’s best not to be trapped in our own minds to the exclusion of everyone else. There is a great deal of joy to find in connecting with people and working together. As your ability to truly engage with others improves, so will your interactions with the good people around you. It is ironic that after you decide life is worth truly living, you’ll never stop finding reasons to.
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2025-07-06 21:24:29
It has been too long since I’ve recorded my off-the-cuff walking monologues. I’ve got a great deal on my mind and I hope you’ll appreciate listening to it all. Just a heads up, I do have some residual sniffles, so I apologize for letting a few slip in to the final recording. I think I’ve done a decent job at cleaning this one without cutting out the birds chirping. I apologize in advance for the soapbox ranting. This journey includes a lot of reflection and learning, so I’m open to correction on some of the points I explore.
Things are progressing quite well. I am quite close to a major milestone: 200lbs down since the start of this journey. I can absolutely feel how much progress I’ve made and how much easier it has made things. Soon enough I will be below 350 which is a huge deal for me because it opens up many cool options. Most notably I’m excited to blast myself with radiation to learn what’s underneath all the fat.
A relative showed me a video of Reed hitting a major milestone in his weight loss journey. It seems like he’s really starting strong. He tells his story here. Reed is a few years younger than me, and was heavier far earlier than I was. I hope that he finds support and encouragement in sharing his story. I am humbled by his courage to share as much as he has.
I sent him a short email to offer some encouragement and point out I’ve been making progress on the same journey. I would encourage you to follow his updates and offer any encouragement you’d like to.
One of the sub-rants in this recording is based off a peculiar pattern I’ve noticed. These days I’m very sensitive to how the fine details of health are discussed, especially in political circles. I was recently alerted by Robert Malone putting out a post titled Well Being: Keeping the Weight OFF for a Long and Healthy Life some of which is paywalled, and therefore I’m not aware of those sections. I’m less interested at that the self-appointed leader of the Medical Freedom Movement believes about weight loss, but more about the timing and place in the larger discussion.
In another bizarre parallel, Ezra Levant (head of a Canadian alt-mainstream publication) challenges Canadian journalist Rosemary Barton to a weight loss competition over X:
I’m a bit miffed by Rosemary Barton’s bigotry & self-importance but mainly I can’t help notice that (like me) she’s obviously been doing a lot of stress eating.
I’d like to challenge her to a 90-day weight-loss competition. Loser has to subscribe to the other’s channel.
The challenge included a glossy video promo.
I am highly concerned about the not at all new trend of politicizing health accelerating in ugly ways. I am now much more cynical about public figure’s role in health discussions. If nothing else I think it is worth keeping in mind that people are not their illnesses and problems, and many if not all of us have the capacity to help those around us.
I’m very eager to be free of these sniffles, and I’m excited to return to being quite active. I’ve started carrying my small (15lbs) kettlebell while going for walks. I’m beginning to be more confident in other projects as well, I recently revisited my recent programming project I spent a long time avoiding touching it because producing something actually useful for other people requires a lot of intricate features. I’ve overcome some difficult hurdles and have begun working on these crucial features again.
I can definitely say the first half of 2025 has been equal parts challenging and fruitful. I am quite optimistic that I can end this year on a great note. It is quite possible I can be below 300lbs by 2026 which would be a radical shift from the fact that I was above 570 just a year from now. I’ve been quite impatient in regards to taking advantage to my mobility returning. I definitely need to strike the right balance between pushing myself hard and not going too hard.
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