2026-01-12 01:57:21
For the last few weeks I’ve been floundering in a couple of ways. Most notably my progress has stalled and I’ve been feeling a great deal of pressure to identify why. What began as a vague sensation of feeling like there’s “nothing in the tank” has expanded into a wider torrent of difficulties. At the most basic level, over the holiday season I introduced more flexibility, and it has been much harder to ‘get back on the saddle’ this time around. I’m realizing that this ‘plateau’ is in some ways driven by familiar pressures driving all too familiar behavior. In being ‘out in the world’ regularly, I am feeling an overwhelming urge to hide from it yet again. Despite everything, I still don’t have enough gratitude for getting to this point, and for the opportunity that this represents for me.
Being comfortable at my current size makes it genuinely hard to appreciate any benefits to reaching a healthy body weight. Intellectually I can comprehend that I’m carrying an extra 100lbs of weight, but on an emotional level it doesn’t register. Logically, I want to reach lower and continue to progress, but I notice that day-to-day I struggle to properly prioritize what it would take to advance. Some of this is the fact that the game has changed in many ways. I am no longer in a situation where losing weight is my only responsibility. Taking on more has been gratifying, but it has also introduced challenges that I haven’t fully handled.
On some level, sharing this is comforting because admitting I have stalled and failed to keep momentum at least puts me in a position to analyze why. I think much of my recent troubles has been out of a panicked denial to reach for a “quick-fix” rather than to slow down and ask myself “what’s happening?”. It is profoundly difficult to say that at the moment, I feel entirely powerless again. I see the challenge before me as too difficult and myself as too weak and incapable to fix it. Ironically enough, this is very similar to how I felt starting this journey. What’s different this time is that I am no longer as desperate for change (even if I should be…) and I have less time, focus, and resources to devote to this.
I know it’s certainly possible to change, and that doing so is going to be worthwhile. I am mired in a haze of confusion as I struggle to remind myself why I’m doing this. I wonder if it is because so much has changed over the last year I am being forced to reassess particular assumptions made along the way. I am beginning to recognize that despite all this I still don’t actually care that much about my own health. Taking the time to prioritize continuing to address my weight feels vain, selfish, and more hassle than it’s worth. I realize that this error is the cause of many of my problems, yet It seems stubbornly difficult to shake. The dark side of this is that because continuing is going to take more effort, I feel it is hard to justify the investment in myself. After all this change, I still struggle to see myself as worthwhile. I didn’t realize just how much making progress means that old wounds feel fresh all over again.
Winter is the worst
The cold has certainly won out over what remained of my willpower. Retreating mostly indoors has certainly not helped my mood and motivation. I’m already tired of the wet and the chilly winds. I miss walking more, and these updates have definitely suffered a bit due to that alone. I realized while doing this recording that not having this time to self-reflect out loud has absolutely not done me any favors. It would seem that overcoming my funk is absolutely going to have to involve being more willing to brave the rest of the Winter season.
Intense pain
A recent injury has my back feeling quite sore. It feels like a knife in my back. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. My lifts and ability to function have certainly been impacted. This has been the hardest thing to bear lately. The pain from this is too difficult to ignore and is a constant frustration. Something as simple as looking to the side will aggravate it, and it has lingered for a frustrating amount of time. Despite being a week already, it feels like there is no end in sight.
Pressure & feelings
I’ve been struggling with pressure from being stalled. What little patience I may have developed during this journey feels all used up. I’m folding under it to the point of misery. It is clear to me that I really need to chill out, but the feeling of letting myself down makes that very difficult. The frustration with it all is making it hard to make clear-headed decisions.
Sleep and energy
One of the more clear signs that I need to calm down is that reasonable sleep completely evades me. These days I’m feeling more lethargic, but I’m wondering how much of that is hydration being an issue.
As melancholic as this reads, the dread is being reasonably restrained. Despite all this I have many reasons to be thankful and optimistic. If nothing else, my situation is a great deal more ‘salvageable’ than before. I’ve learned a great deal that is going to help me, it’s just a matter of realigning my mindset with the process. To me, my current problem mostly seems to be about reigniting my passion to launch myself into it fully, rather than just coasting on past progress. It’s going to take me a great deal to do this ‘mental reset’, but I know it’s a matter of time and effort. I think if I refocus on caring for myself instead of applying pressure things can improve quite a bit.
As bad as it is, I’m still holding on. I am holding on to hope that I will figure this out and that I will begin steadily improving again. The good part of all this is that while I may be having trouble, I still haven’t really “gone completely off the rails” Maybe it’s cope but I’m feeling good about the fact that my eating habits are still wildly better than before given the circumstances. A lot of the work that went in to building up better capabilities and routines is certainly paying dividends. If nothing else I am comforted by the fact that no matter how rough this all is, I am not starting from scratch.
I am looking forward to feeling better, stronger, and more capable again.
Thank you for reading this through RSS 📡
Your thoughts and feedback are both very important to me.
Get in touch!
2026-01-02 17:40:00
Here is my video update for the year of 2025 and my new year’s resolutions. In 2024, I got the ball rolling. During 2025 I was able to truly dive into this journey for all that it is. I learned a great deal and I hope you enjoy my sappy (and a bit tired) update video. It’s been a very wild ride since getting started in 2024, but I hope I can share how it has been rewarding throughout.
| Date | Weight | Lost in 2025 | Since start | BF estimate |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2025-12-31 | 307.5 | 171.5 | 268.5 | 38.2% |
By the start of this year, I’m very close to being below 300 which is a massive milestone that puts me at a size I haven’t been at for almost a decade. I’m able to comfortably do so many things that were quite out of reach at the start of 2025. I’m very grateful for the support and kindness that has encouraged and carried me through what has been a very long and challenging ordeal. Far from the days where I felt completely out of control when it comes to food, I am now at a point where I feel capable and confident when it comes to making dietary decisions.
Getting stronger has been the best part of this journey so far. The quality of life improvements of being strong feel unparalleled. It’s immensely gratifying to drastically expand my capabilities in a relatively short period of time. Ironically, so much of it is getting out of my own way not just physically. But I can say the best part of getting stronger is getting to know other people who are so much stronger. I am in constant amazement at other people who can lift multiples of what I can. It excites me to know that there’s still a great deal of room to improve on that point.
But the biggest gains haven’t been in the numbers. It has been a profound experience to open up about not just how I’m doing, but where I’ve come from. I’ve shared How did I get so big? as a written blog and The bigger picture in a walking audio. It is genuinely nice to be even able to articulate not just what I’ve been able to accomplish, but what I’ve overcome. But even this is just a tiny fraction of how it feels to have experienced these changes.
While I still have challenges, my mind is a remarkably nicer place to reside in. I feel (almost) wholly aligned these days in ways that are very difficult to describe. The best part of it is that mistakes and setbacks are no longer a reason to turn against myself. The ‘inner critic’ has been demoted and the ‘inner planner’ has been promoted to the driver’s seat for the majority of the time. By taking a more proactive approach to directing my behavior, I’m finding myself to be less critical and more analytical. Instead of harshly condemning myself for particular mistakes, more often I’m trying to diagnose and troubleshoot the issue.
2025 was one of the most dynamic years of my life. While I’ve certainly had worse years, I haven’t had one with such a mixture of highs and lows in very long time. A torrent of physical and emotional pain felt almost insurmountable but I was committed to doing the best for my loved ones. The hope that I can be one of many examples to people that we can come back from much more than we usually think really carried me through many difficult points.
I started this project collecting motivational memes but eventually I moved on to just binge listening to podcasts and videos about health and fitness. I gorged on all the information I could find and got very familiar with ‘fitness Youtube’ as a whole. It was very helpful to listen to so much to ‘keep my head in the game’ as I learned to lift and focused on progressing. While Steve Shaw & Solomon Nelson are definitely my favorites, there are many other great sources of information as well:
I quickly learned that the drama in fitness Youtube is quite spicy. So while I came for the training tips, I am now hopelessly hooked on that particular outrage machine. So much of my online critical thinking guide came from my reflections on the drama of the year.
As mentioned in the video overview, I spent a fair amount of time discovering stories of those who have made a similar journey. I can definitely admit to feeling quite alone at my highest, and I had no idea so many people were so successful at transforming teir lives. It is genuinely comforting to see familiar themes, if a bit difficult to watch.
I definitely can’t give enough credit to the fan comic 5 Years Later that later became an animated series Which is a fan creation cross-over of Danny Phantom and Ben 10 that takes place in the future where both characters are a bit older. Despite the story not being finished yet, it’s the right combination of nostalgia and coolness that makes it my perfect ‘comfort show’ to watch when I’m feeling low on motivation. I was thrilled when I got to put on the “Hero Time” hoodie that finally arrived quite recently. It feels great to support a project like that which means so much to me.
400 to 300 was a radical shift in life experience, much more radical than 570 to 400
Changes in body composition happen slowly, but compound. So many simple things change. Having changed so much in a short period of time I can definitely notice the stark differences when it comes to staying warm this Winter. It does make some things more complicated, like swimming where I constantly feel like I have to re-learn the strokes all over again.
Laying the emotional foundation has made things ‘fall into place’ much easier
My weight loss chart may look impressive, but I’ve been at this for much longer than the last few years. There were many challenges I faced before I even got to that point. Having support made a huge difference. I am very grateful to my other half for making things so much easier for me, especially starting out in late 2024.
‘Leaving orbit’ of the old comfortable patterns is MUCH HARDER than I expected, but building momentum does lead to ’escape velocity’
Building positive momentum is thankfully not as hard as I anticipated. The real challenge seems to be learning to do without familiar comforts that actually hurt us. Even as I write this I’m yet again fighting to keep caffeine out of my life. While some people can handle it in moderation, I find my consumption rapidly escalates to extreme levels. That’s just one of many patterns I’m finding to be a real challenge to break.
Perfection doesn’t pay, damage control is very valuable
A very frustrating setback I had was an awful ear infection that made me dizzy with pain. Introducing a bit of flexibility instead of taking an all-or-nothing approach definitely helped keep things within a workable range. I now believe the right approach isn’t to eliminate mistakes, but structure your life to ensure they do not compound, but that’s certainly easier said than done.
Strength is a massive quality-of-life enhancement
Getting stronger is awesome, and makes so many things easier.
Community is a vital resource
Many people quietly root for you, far more than you can comprehend. In-person feedback is a great way to reassure yourself that it isn’t all for nothing, even when you don’t realize you need it. Connecting with people has been a great way to see other examples of strength and resilience as well as warmth.
Self-image is complicated
‘Nuff said
The difficulty of maintaining drive
A very hard lesson was realizing that my indomitable human spirit has it’s limits. To make things even more frustrating, pressure can often corrode positive drives. Being in high spirits all the time feels like an unattainable goal, but so did losing all this weight at a point in time. I think it is very important to recharge and refuel motivation and desire over time.
These were made throughout the year, and are a reflection of what I’ve been thinking about through this process.
By dipping my toes into understanding nutrition I’ve realized I’m somewhat opposed to the “Whatever fits your macros” approach. That said, I’m realizing that nutrition is a much more complex topic than I can reasonably give justice anytime soon. I should emphasize that these memes are a reflection of my approach while dieting for rapid weight loss, not necessarily advice for every situation.
There are definitely a lot of ups and downs when it comes to the process. Some days it can be genuinely grueling while other times it feels absolutely great.
I’ve come to realize that retreating from being seen made actually being seen so much harder to experience for real. So I’m realizing I need to meaningfully connect with the people around me rather than being ‘stuck in my head’ (and fears) during conversations. Coming out of isolation has been a slow and difficult process, but things are improving consistently. So with all that said my goal truly is to be a better friend, neighbor and overall person when it comes to interacting with others. I’m working hard to try to be more present with people, and engage more deeply with the things I care about as a whole. This involves being more selective, but it also creates opportunity for much more day-to-day meaning and purpose. It’s a challenging and messy thing, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to improve.
This year I really get to apply all that I’ve learned and truly put it to the test. Will I reach my ambitious 15% bf target this year? Possibly not, but that won’t stop me from making great progress all the same. I am excited to reap the rewards of years of challenges, and embrace the new possibilities that come into reach. I’m fully expecting to have continued challenges in this area, losing the first 50 has certainly been easier than the last 50 so far. I’m beginning to recognize the additional precision and care needed as one approaches a healthy body weight.
Building strength has been one of the best parts of this journey. The gratification of betting stronger, and the quality-of-life enhancements make things so much easier. I think everyone underestimates the overall benefits of just becoming a bit stronger in a few neglected areas. For me gaining some non-trivial grip strength has made errands much easier, but I notice that even at my current size of 300, going up the stairs feels like a breeze. Not only that, but I started the year entirely unable to do a single pushup, and now I can do 5 in a single set.
When the springtime comes, I’ll be able to get back on my bike for the first time in almost 8 years. One of my biggest regrets becoming so big was no longer being able to feel the wind as I peddle along. I miss going fast, and I’m very interested in improving my cardiovascular capacity. I’ll have to keep on swimming as I have to re-learn the strokes with my body changes, since I no longer effortlessly float. While it’s still cold out I’ll have to stick to indoor swimming and short treadmill sprints to get a taste of speed.
I did quite a bit of reading last year, but that slowed down as this year began. I’m trying to motivate myself to get back into reading regularly. Not only that, but I also want to dedicate time to drawing regularly as well. While not quite low-stimulation, I also consider working on my programming projects part of this as well. While lifting and exercise are incredible, I need to become comfortable doing things when I should be resting and recovering that isn’t just ‘doomscrolling’. But, if we expand the category further we can say I did reasonably well when it came to cooking in 2025, which I have already upgraded to regularly meal-prepping. There’s other things around the home I want to become more competent at, so that very much falls under this resolution as well.
Thank you for reading this through RSS 📡
Your thoughts and feedback are both very important to me.
Get in touch!
2025-12-01 19:21:55
If you can, please donate to support the project!
I’m old enough to remember the days when people were beginning to recognize that putting all our video hosting eggs into the YouTube basket was a bad idea. People were just starting to realize that a single corporation having control over a huge portion of the Internet’s cultural history is a dead end. During this time many platforms spawned branding themselves as a better ‘YouTube Alternative’, only to struggle with little to no actual reach to the general public. Eventually people began to recognize that was truly needed was a “Decentralized YouTube” that could let everyone be in control of their own video platform.
In hindsight, even the very few people who are willing to escape Google’s walled-garden will actually venture away from corporate platforms. Since the beginning, I was skeptical that increasing the amount of corporations hosting the Internet’s video culture going from 1 to a dozen is itself a radical democratization of the information landscape. If anything, this shift has merely been an adaptation of the corporate media control system to dominate (and elevate) particular content niches.
The major competitors to YouTube are just that, competing at the same game. They are not truly any more interested in giving their audience a voice than Google is. While sincere attempts can begin with good intentions, the problem is that you can not dethrone Google without becoming Google. In fact Google couldn’t even be what it was without turning on their own stated principle of “Don’t be evil”.
Corporate video platforms are always going to need to use the finite space in their audience’s attention to market to them, this is why almost every ‘YouTube alternative’ has the same ‘featured page’ that I once remembered to be criticized as even YouTube going too far to push editorialized content on the public.
This is why there is such a radical distinction between the so-called ‘alternative media’ and actually independent voices. While Rumble tries to brand itself as an improvement to YouTube’s draconian speech crackdowns, it seems that it comes at the price of being inundated with advertising for sketchy supplement pushers, and dubious investment schemes. It’s worth noting that if you pay for the privilege, X now gives you the opportunity to serve non-trivial video content on that platform.
It seems that many have successfully escaped YouTube, but not corporate control over online expression. As they say “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss”. The new paradigm is fundamentally the same as the old paradigm, just managed by a cartel instead of a single corporate entity. As far as I’m concerned the difference is negligible.
One advantage of time passing alone is that the three primary resources in cyberspace are much more inexpensive than in the past. The cost to store a personal collection of video at reasonable quality, and serve it over the web is constantly falling. One could argue we don’t even need a decentralized “YouTube alternative” because the open web is already well-equipped to address this. Thanks to HTML5 video is a first-class content form on the web that has many features. Many content management systems like Ghost or WordPress can include local videos on your sites, and static site generators are also perfectly able to include videos on even small sites. The simple fact is that the web doesn’t even really need centralized video hosts anymore, those willing to reclaim their own territory in cyberspace are able to use a wide variety of tools to serve their own video.
But the root of the issue ends up being reach. Hardly anyone wants to produce media to an audience of nobody. If the intention is to get the word out, or share with others, reach is certainly critical. Again, this is a circumstance that the open web already has a solution for. RSS is a fully decentralized system for media syndication and sharing. If more people fully embraced the open web and even more ambitiously, the social web (AKA the Fediverse) essentially all of the problems caused by corporate media control would be systematically eliminated. The problem is that people have been taught to expect all their online media in one place. The toil of navigating through different websites and apps is a tremendous hurdle for the public to overcome.
We’re always going to have to contend with smartphones as much as we may dread them. Yes, they are a beachhead for corporations to push products and surveillance on the people, but there’s also a reasons why people just can’t put them down. The vast majority of the public for a long period of time is going to be doing the majority of their computing on a smartphone such as an iPhone or Android device. Only the small minority of people who care about reasonable privacy and security guarantees will be running GrapheneOS. Perhaps the Librephone will eventually save us, or the public will mass abandon smartphones all-together, but I don’t anticipate that being anytime soon.
The problem isn’t just media being available, it also needs to be reasonably ‘within reach’ for people’s habits. Convenience is just a derogatory term for user experience innovation. Corporations have had the resources to reasarch, implement and refine, both helpful and dark patterns that shape how people interact with cyberspace. An interesting attempt to address this is Grayjay that aims to provide a “one stop shop” to the entire multimedia landscape of the web. Despite the many criticisms people have with FUTO and the fine details of how they license their software, I think this was a sincere attempt that should be learned from. That said, AntennaPod leverages RSS to effectively do what almost anyone would want out of decentralized media. Just give me a feed so I can watch what I want, when I want. I would go as far as to say that in a truly independent cyberspace, AntennaPod is all anyone would need. But people want more, they want interaction, they want robust discovery mechanisms, and they want an ability to conveniently post media. Thankfully there is such a solution PeerTube.
With the way the corporate media dominates the digital information landscape, one would be forgiven for presuming there was no actual solution. While some people may be able to read an entire Libre Solutions Network treatise on the mindset and long journey of making actual change, most people just want a simple solution they can use today to address their problems. Thankfully, that solution is actually here. By running or joining an independent PeerTube instance, you are directly liberating a portion of the online media landscape on behalf of others. With a relatively small investment in time, and resources individuals and communities can directly work to provide a truly better alternative to corporate video platforms.
It is a genuine shame that PeerTube isn’t more popular amongst those who crave a truly independent media. I personally feel responsible for not promoting PeerTube enough, and this piece is a small gesture to atone for that. It is my belief that dissidents across the political spectrum, and even the general public are “sleeping on” what is an immense game-changer when it comes to online media and entertainment. More adoption of PeerTube alone would drastically reduce the harmful impacts of algorithmic manipulation, privacy invasion, and the “dumbing down” of online media as a whole. This likely sounds ’too good to be true’ but the real catch is that we have to want it enough. We need to be willing to invest the effort and resources to build a better digital landscape, rather than wait for it to be provided for us.
PeerTube is not just a game-changer on the big picture, it’s a technical marvel demonstrating just how different online media can be. The user interface has all the features an ordinary person would expect, but also a lot more enhancements that make it a first-class video repository. Simple things like automatic transcription, compression to multiple different sizes, and even a mobile app are things that can make PeerTube more useful than simply having video files on your web site.
For those interested in running their own instance, PeerTube is an investment in a well-indexed video repository. I wholeheartedly believe that the future of online media and culture looks bright if people seize the opportunity to provide room for creatives and educators to share their work outside the pressures and influences of algorithmic manipulation and opaque monetization. PeerTube also supports a wide variety of ways to customize how your instance looks, so you can truly make it expressive to your needs. As a Free and Open Source (FOSS) project, with the right support, we can only expect PeerTube to get better and better over time. This can’t be said of corporate media platforms.
Love RSS feeds? PeerTube supports them out of the box. You can add any PeerTube channel to your AntenaPod app, or whatever RSS tool you use. But if you want actual engagement, rather than just a one-way conversation PeerTube is a full-fledged member of the Fediverse. This means that any “social web” application can comment on PeerTube videos. Reach both incoming and outgoing is greatly enhanced by this. But if that’s not enough decentralization for you, there’s a reason it’s called “PeerTube”.
PeerTube allows those watching the video to contribute bandwidth to each other. By “sharing the load” this can drastically reduce the bandwidth costs of serving videos in particular circumstances. This doesn’t eliminate all the costs, but is a significant way to “level the playing-field” for smaller operators. In previous versions this was done through WebTorrent but now has switched to WebRTC and HLS. In practice this has some trade-offs but I can definitely defend the change.
In my opinion, the biggest game-changer of PeerTube is that independent operators can finally break free of many of the incentives that fuel the ’enshittification’ of digital media. Without algorithms prioritizing particular video formats and length, people are free to create for quality rather than to publish. This can help work towards a radically different media landscape that lets people drive virality rather than corporate algorithms and government imperatives. It’s a relatively small thing, but PeerTube also features the addition of funding/donation information on a per video and a per channel basis, meaning that what’s possible in the future is unbounded with the right support.
Many of us lament the ’tik-tok’ brain and lack of attention span of the youth, if not the general public at large. But can we truly say we tried everything to ensure they inherit a better media landscape? Do we not have the responsibility to foster a culture that provides real meaningful alternatives to corporate slop? It is easy to critique others choices to validate our own decisions. I believe it is a duty of the modern person to proactively support building independent culture and its preservation. That said, we must also contend with the constraints and realities of our time. Because of this and all the above, I believe that PeerTube is an indispensable tool for building a better digital future. The sad fact of the matter is that many people are just waiting for cyberspace to become less hostile and predatory, but it falls to all of us to do what we can to change it.
I have been pleasantly surprised that even my relatively obscure project The Libre Solutions Network, gets a non-trivial amount of views via my own PeerTube Instance. When I compare view stats against the SubStack publication with over 1000 people signed-up, I am genuinely impressed that those following my projects over the open web will hit comparable watch time. What this tells me is that while you will certainly get higher surface engagement numbers on larger platforms, deep meaningful engagement is only to be found on the open web. Fostering a better digital culture requires us to make decisions with this in mind, and align our efforts accordingly.
This is fundamentally a collective action problem, not a technical one. Corporate media is entrenched because of massive network effects, but this is far from insurmountable. In a time where the plan seems to be trading the spark of human expression and creativity for regurgitated AI slop, quality and meaning are at a massive premium. The public is starved for authentic cultural expression and representation and there is so much potential in the tools we have to provide that. PeerTube is a real chance for us to experience something better than YouTube and its competitors ever could have been.
If you can, please donate to support the project!
Go to the website and learn more about PeerTube.
You can already start using PeerTube today by checking out these channels. You can bookmark them, use the app, or their subscribe via their feed.
Want me to include your channel? Send me a follow at @[email protected] from your channel, and I’ll add you to the list shortly!
Thank you for reading this through RSS 📡
Your thoughts and feedback are both very important to me.
Get in touch!
2025-11-29 07:47:15
This off-the-cuff recording is an attempt to share the much broader context behind my ongoing transformation. Now that I have accomplished enough that people say they regularly point to my example, I feel obligated to disclose the bigger fight taking place. My health changes have merely been a major objective in a broader emotional battle. This is an attempt to put into words the emotional turmoil behind how I got so big. This particular recording is a bit more intense than usual, so be advised of more difficult subject matter being discussed.
Unfortunately, I’m not likely to reach this year’s ‘greedy’ goal of losing 200lbs in 2025. I’ve got a month to go and with everything I have learned I don’t think I will be able to lose 40lbs in another month. But even being already 160lbs down for the year is still a massive hard-won victory. This new low puts me at almost 260lbs down total. By shedding all this extra weight, I’m finally at a point where the benefits are beginning to compound.
Despite a stubborn foot injury, getting around feels so much better. I can move a lot quicker than before and it feels very gratifying. Some of my small investments into building better habits are making things that would be very mentally and physically taxing feel much more within reach. I’m finding myself getting much better at making small investments in taking better care of myself, and feeling the gratifying sense of accomplishment when it pays off.
With most of the extreme health and mobility challenges behind me, I’m back to a familiar state. But a great deal has changed under the surface. These days, I genuinely feel like I am at a point where being at peace with myself is closer to the default than the exception. The regular positive interactions I’m having with people is comforting in a level that is hard to get in the moment, but I can certainly appreciate the cumulative effects.
It is very difficult to articulate, but I no longer feel like my mind is actively working against me. I am experiencing a shocking yet familiar sense in my mind that I can only concisely summarize as “I’m back!”. It feels like the fog of numbness and dread has lifted and I get to embrace my chance at life for all it is in both big and small ways.
The meat of this recording is where I try to articulate the ‘story behind the story’ of my health journey. Making new friends lately has had me face regret and loss I didn’t realize I was burying. I miss many of my old friends so much more now that I have gotten to know other excellent people on a deeper level as I’ve slowly and gradually come out of various forms of isolation. It wouldn’t be me if this reflection didn’t include my thoughts on how it all connects to the wider world. The more I think about the long arc of this path I’ve walked, the more I understand things about myself I took for granted. I am now at a point where I am ignited with a passion for sharing much more than just the physical changes that brought me to this point.
Thank you for reading this through RSS 📡
Your thoughts and feedback are both very important to me.
Get in touch!
2025-11-21 20:49:08
In this particular recording I have decided not to remove the background noise, in particular each step through the snow/ice/slush. I hope this isn’t too bothersome, but if it is, consider this a warning.
I am very happy to report I’ve achieved one of my major strength goals. For quite some time now I’ve been specifically focused on the overhead press and I’m overjoyed to be able to lift 135lbs. A few months ago this was something I struggled to even attempt, so this is a very concrete sign to me that I am continuing to make strength progress on the way down. Getting stronger, and feeling stronger has done remarkable things to my day-to-day mood over time.
My next strength goal is to be able to bench 2 plates (225lbs) and I think I’m well on the way to being able to do that. I think it will take quite a while to build up to a 3 plate squat and a 4 plate deadlift. I think people at the gym may be right that these targets are fairly arbitrary. If nothing else I think striving for 1/2/3/4 is at least a direction to focus on. That said I definitely intend on continuing to progress my overhead press, which is presently my favorite lift. I think I need to come up with strength goals for different movements like pulling. Currently I can do assisted pull-ups with the help of 200lbs, so it will be very gratifying to be able to work up to un-assisted pull-ups.
Yesterday I weighted in at 320lbs, which means I’ve lost just over 255lbs! To celebrate this particular milestone I decided to for the first time ever use a whole-body profile photo in a bunch of places. I am beginning to feel proud about how far I’ve come, but I am still primarily motivated to keep pushing towards my ambitious 15% body fat target.
As I’ve continued to make progress, I’ve begun to appreciate just how ambitious that long-term target actually is. I finally understand why people would look perplexed when I was at my highest telling others that this was my goal. Now I realize I was the biggest guy in the gym telling people in relatively good shape “I’m going to be leaner than YOU someday!” 🤣 Hopefully someday I can make good on early Gabriel’s optimistic promises.
Sadly as you can see my 2nd arm wasn’t able to fit onto the scanning bed. While I meet the weight requirements for a DEXA, apparently I still don’t meet the size requirements. All the same, I will be very happy to have this to compare with another scan near my long-term weight target. According to this scan I’m at ~41% body fat, which is actually well below what my ’napkin-math’ estimate of 50%. It seems I was too pessimistic about how much lean mass I’m carrying.
Due to the arm being cut off, I am a bit disappointed that this won’t quite be a 1-to-1 comparison, but overall I fully expect the changes to be fairly clear regardless.
After the updates I share some recent reflections on how I believe that “dieting is just a collection of skills.” Many dieting tips are valuable in pursuit of developing or leveraging particular skills that may or may not factor well into a particular person’s life. I wholeheartedly believe that there are essential dieting skills that are broadly applicable to almost everyone’s situation, but there are many particular tools that suit those skills.
Social connection
Stress management
Nutrition
Cooking
Such a resource may exist, but I think an invaluable resource for helping people reverse particularly dire weight circumstances would be radically different from what I have seen. It could focus much less on specific dietary recommendations, but more on how to build these and other skills from the ground up. It seems that in the modern environment, we may underestimate how many ‘basic life skills’ can fade away if we are not careful. In this micro-rant I share about how much I think social isolation and atomization contributes to people’s health deteriorating. These days, I am more sure that we humans are social creatures, and that means that while the major factors for personal health are individual, that is far from the entire picture.
Thank you for reading this through RSS 📡
Your thoughts and feedback are both very important to me.
Get in touch!
2025-11-16 05:08:44
I hope you’ll enjoy this stream-of-consciousness reflection on the last crazy year as I prepare for 2026. Apologies for the lack of a write-up, I am crunched for time at the moment.
I hope this before and after makes up for it!
Thank you for reading this through RSS 📡
Your thoughts and feedback are both very important to me.
Get in touch!
