2026-04-08 06:32:31
I cried at a clown workshop is the kind of sentence that should only exist as a joke. I wish that's all it was, a weird anecdote, something humiliating but harmless or a silly twist on the meaning of "Clown Workshop"
Instead, I went to a workshop teaching the art of clowning, broke down in tears and learned some uncomfortable things about myself
I went because a friend encouraged me and it sounded unusual enough to be memorable but still safe enough that I could imagine looking back on it fondly
There was also a social hope attached to it that I probably did not say out loud at the time. I liked the idea that this might lead to some kind of new friend group or at least some temporary feeling of belonging in a different social group
The room felt wrong almost immediately
It was connected to other rooms that had also been hired out so people kept moving through or past it. That made the whole thing feel too public and even before anything had actually gone badly I already felt exposed
The people there seemed polite and there was a variety of folks there but some also felt a bit like they fit the cliché of drama people. Not in a nasty way, more that they seemed comfortable in a kind of room that I had no real instinct for. Everyone else seemed to understand the social rules of the room without having to think about them. I didn’t
At one point people reacted enthusiastically when I said I had no drama background and had not done classes before. I was the only one there like that and I think they meant it kindly but it only made me stand out more
The instructor mattered to me more than he probably realised
He was from the same cultural background as me which made him feel a bit more familiar from the start. I had seen him the day before doing a clown performance and thought he was cool
He had also done a lot to make me feel safe signing up as someone with no experience. That made me respect him more and it also made the whole thing worse later
A lot of embarrassment is survivable when you do not care who sees it. This did not feel like that
The hardest part is that I was actually trying
One of the exercises involved asking and answering questions while doing this hand-slaps game and not looking at your hands. I thought I was doing okay with at least the talking part but I kept getting feedback that I was doing it wrong and I never really understood why. That was what made it painful in a deeper way. It was not just that I was bad at it, it was that I could not properly work out what I was doing wrong
That feeling kept repeating, the other people seemed to understand how far they could push an exercise, what they could try and how to engage with it without becoming awkward. I felt like I was trying to follow the rules of something everyone else already understood instinctively
Even when I was technically doing better I still felt off. If I kept losing I felt clumsy. If I kept winning I worried the other person would get upset or frustrated and that I was somehow doing it wrong in a different way. It was hard to find any version of participation that didn't feel wrong
The final exercise was to stand in front of the class and make funny noises
That was the task. Go up, try things and make people laugh
I tried everything I could think of. I got advice from the instructor and tried to use it. I was not being ironic about it and I was not holding back to protect myself. I was actually trying to do the thing
I still could not make it work
I could not make people laugh even after seeing them laugh at the previous people's attempts and after a while I started crying
Part of what made that moment so strange was that the people around me were for all practical purposes strangers and yet they treated me with real kindness. They were not mocking me, they were not acting irritated. If anything they seemed concerned. That should have made it easier but it mostly made me feel more exposed
There is something hard about being treated gently by people who barely know you when you already feel like you have become the problem in the room
I think what upset me most was the feeling of doing all I could and still failing
That is a very specific kind of pain, it leaves you with nowhere to go. If you do not try, you can tell yourself it did not count. If you stay detached, you can preserve some distance from the result. I did not do either of those things. I tried and I still could not do the one thing that seemed to come much more easily to everyone else.
I also felt like I had made the room uncomfortable. At one point after probably the third apology the instructor said something to the effect of “Don’t apologise, it was a privilege to be able to see so much raw emotion.” It was a kind thing to say and I appreciated it but it also made me want to disappear
That was part of what made the whole thing so overwhelming. People who were effectively strangers were being genuinely warm with me and I could feel that their kindness was real but it was also humiliating because I had become someone they needed to handle carefully
The part I still feel worse about is the instructor seeing me like that. Someone I respected, someone I thought was cool and someone who had helped me feel safe enough to sign up in the first place now had to keep running his class around the fact that I was crying in the middle of it. That is still the worst part to remember
At the end of the workshop there were two people I especially wanted to keep spending time with, they seemed cooler and more confident than me and I wanted some kind of connection with them partly because they represented a version of social ease that I do not feel I have
I left the venue with them, we spoke a bit about maybe grabbing a drink but it fell through. I awkwardly suggested it at the wrong moment and came away feeling clingy and embarrassing
It felt like I had not only failed during the workshop itself but had then immediately managed the social aftermath badly too
After that I took the bus home trying to hold it together
I was either crying quietly or trying not to cry at all. By the time I got home I still felt awful
Once I was home I posted in the group chat asking if someone could call
Someone did and what mattered was that it was someone I respected but was not especially close to. They did not laugh at me for how silly the whole thing sounded and they didn't treat it like I was being ridiculous for caring so much
Months later they mentioned around mutual friends something along the lines of respecting that I had gone to the clown workshop at all, which also stayed with me
The call mattered because it felt like proof that someone cared. In a way it gave me the same thing that the kindness in the room had given me just with less humiliation attached to it
The workshop made me think about how I ask for help and also about how I usually respond when other people I don't know very well are having a hard time
I often leave people alone unless they ask directly because I worry that stepping in might embarrass them or make them uncomfortable but when I was the one quietly falling apart what mattered most was that people were kind without making me feel stupid for it
That kindness was still hard to receive. It was comforting but it also made me feel more vulnerable. I wanted that kind of care but I hated needing it
The other thing that stayed with me is that, for all the shame attached to it, I did actually try. I went and put myself in a room I did not understand. I tried to do the exercises properly. I tried to make the final one work. I tried to connect with people afterwards. None of that turned into the experience I wanted, but it was still an attempt
With some distance, I can admit that crying at a clown workshop is funny
It has the shape of a story people should laugh at. There is something darkly ridiculous about trying to do something that was meant to be fun and silly only to end up crying because you could not make the funny noises correctly
Maybe I could've avoided most of the pain if I just said "Hey I don't know what kinda funny noises I could even do at this point. Can I finish my turn" but even without that I don't know if I regret trying
2026-04-08 03:42:00
I understand that AI tools like Claude / OpenGPT can improve productivity when used correctly, but I am not a fan of fully vibe coding / fully copy pasting words pasta generated / taking Ghibli style generated AI image and slapping it on a product (can be articles / apps / designs etc) and happily sharing the slop.
Few days ago, I saw a graphic designer vacancy posted in my local job market website, the job description mentioned "AI native" skill requirement which include using AI tools with "skillful prompt" to generate images / media , with minor touch up using Canva, what even is this bullshit.
I run and operate a software business, and I will never add AI features to my apps, I will never vibe code a feature on my apps, and I will never use AI chatbot for my support. No one likes talking to a bot and having to keep prompting with different text, in an attempt to summon an actual human support that actually understands the issue.
Call me inefficient, naive or unproductive, but I will remain my human touch on my software craft, as long as I can. And I hope you can too, and I wish your endeavours goes as best as it can. I sincerely hope there's still human who appreciates human made products and willingly to pay for them.
2026-04-08 00:28:00
I went to great lengths to alienate myself from anything generated by AI. First of all, I must say that it's way easier to avoid AI generated pictures than AI generated texts - especially in marketing copywriting, it's almost impossible to avoid it, but now I turned it into a hobby of mine, finding evidences of AI in anything I read.
Anyways, I've been quite successful on this journey, to the point where I keep forgetting that chat gpt still exists. But every now and then, someone in my circle bursts my bubble saying something like "chat gpt said that..." - breaking my heart into a million pieces (yes, I'm dramatic) and reminding me that not only it still exists, but people keep using it, in the most stupid and useless ways.
Also, recently, some friends were complaining about this ai generated talking fruit (at least they were complaining about it and not praising it) and I had no idea what they were talking about. I have never seen that before. A few days later I came across this youtube video about these talking fruits and realized I have really, really, alienated myself. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I mean, it is a good thing to be critical of AI, sure, but I've been living almost like it doesn't exist and I'm starting to think that's not really healthy. Comfortable? Yes. Healthy? I'm not sure. Should I keep doing it? Probably not. Will I? Well... it's 2026, I'm in my 40s and I still smoke cigarettes.
2026-04-07 18:16:51
I've been writing on bearblog.dev for quiet a nearly six months now, and I've yet to find the emotional connection anywhere else online.
I've made my disdain for modern social media clear a few times now, and my desire to connect and create human-centric communities, and bear ticks all those boxes.
Here's some tips I've found so far to enjoy Bear, or what works for me:
That's it, that's all I wanted to say. If you're from Bear, nice to meet you again, and hoping to catch your work soon. (I really want to add a guestbook).
2026-04-07 11:14:00
Thank you New York Times for informing me that there are some Christian women who think women shouldn't vote, and half of white women voted for Trump. Since I consciously choose to live in a liberal bubble, I really don't need to be reminded that such women exist in decent numbers, nor do I need to know about tradwife content on socials. (Yes, I really should drop the habit of casually browsing NYT when I'm bored, but what else am I gonna read? Reddit?)
Since we are at it, a strange revelation came to me. You know what these conservative women remind me of? Dudes driving around with loud, modified exhausts.
Both groups of people are loud and obnoxious. Both groups make other people's lives slightly shittier. You really don't want to acknowledge the existence of either group, as thou shalt not give attention to attention gigolos; yet they both force their ways into your consciousness against your wish.
Most importantly, sometimes you just can't shake off the feeling that both groups, the dudes with modified exhausts and women promoting patriarchy, are incredibly and loudly horny.
Being horny but not able to acknowledge it, that's what stands out to me about patriarchy promoting women. We liberals generally do not have trouble acknowledging that women are sometimes horny indeed, so we are not used to deciphering such indirect language and twisted social dances under the suppression of patriarchy.
Instead of walking up to the dudes their hearts desire and politely ask "yo, wanna bang?" like the rest of us, conservative ladies need to go around and yell at everyone like "Look at me! Look at me!! I'm so submissive that I'm willing to give up some abstract legal rights in order to impress a dude!! Pick me! Pick meeee!! Please!!!" in order to get noticed by their senpai.
You may ask, but aren't a lot of these conservative women already married?
Yeah, married women are horny too. Do I have to remind you that the Twilight saga, and like 92.7% of popular romantasy in circulation are written by Mormon wives?
So, the next time I see conservative women howling about taking away my legal rights, I have to remind myself maybe they don't really care about legality, and I don't need to get annoyed by them. They are just performing some form of intricate mating call. It's all flirtation with some real or imagined male audience in their heads.
Yes, it all seems embarrassing and somewhat undignified, but people with limited mating options still want to mate, sometimes through the apps, sometimes through modified exhausts, or politics. It's their God-given right. Let people mate. Maybe they'd calm down if they found love.
2026-04-07 01:38:25
Two major things happened today: I went to the Apple Store to collect my laptop after a battery repair, and I said goodbye to my BlueSky account. The laptop is now fine. It doesn't overheat anymore, and even though I can't yet be sure the battery life will be optimal, at least it's not suddenly dying on me as it used to do until a few days ago (I couldn't even watch a movie on it). Turns out that my model needed the entire bottom part repaired, keyboard included, and because I didn't say anything about it, they replaced it with a UK QWERTY keyboard, which is not too annoying, but still, it'll take a bit of getting used to. More importantly, because now the entire bottom half of it looks spanking new, it's kind of giving me that 'new toy' feeling. You know what I'm talking about? That feeling you get when you unbox a tech gadget for the first time and every possibility feels within reach. It's making me want to write and do stuff with it, which is a nice change of pace, if you consider that before the battery replacement I would've rather poked my eyes out than use this laggy, slow computer. But it's not laggy nor slow, now!
Then, on a whim, I deleted my Bluesky account. I don't think there's anything wrong with the app specifically, or even with the circle of people I used to interact with on it. But social media is just not the vibe right now, and plus, I was barely using it. I figured I could do without, so I took that first step and simply deleted my account. Funny story: because of laws in the UK, some content is restricted to +18 y.o. users, and the way you verify your age involves either sharing some official documents, or taking some pictures of your face and sending them to you know who. I refused to do this on principle, which means that I'm still not able to access a lot of website or services, including direct messages on Bluesky. It's ridiculous, but it is what it is.
I’m thinking about deleting other socials. There’s no part of me that wants to be a pawn in this billionaires’ game, and every second spent on Insta feels like something I won’t be able to claim back. Sure, there is the issue of not being able to communicate with people as easily (pretty much all of my friends use Instagram as their primary communication tool), but I don’t even think that’s entirely true. I think we’ve become lazier, and have offloaded the responsibility of keeping in touch with our friends to an app that routinely reminds us of their existence. We interact because we’re constantly bombarded with small updates from them, not because of a genuine desire to interact. I say this because I know firsthand. When I take my breaks from Instagram, my daily interactions fall drastically, and I have to reach out to people more often than they do with me. I think this is normal! It’s just a different lifestyle that takes some getting used to.
Bluesky wasn’t really doing it for me, but Instagram is a different matter. Deleting it permanently would mean adjusting to a different reality and, more importantly, living in a reality that is different from most of my friends’. I guess the next deleted app will be Facebook, once I figure out how to download all the media I’ve put on it in the past, gosh, 16 years. And then we’ll see. Bonus picture: I went to the park to read a book under the sun today, so here’s a photo of the actual Bluesky.
