AnnieModify

Sunday came, Sunday went, but the notes can be week notes any day they want to be. 

Current situation:

Monday 25 May: Memorial Day, also hospital day. Having to work certain holidays is a new thing for me. 

The long light days of summer begin. Last night it was light until well after 8. Pool is open now. Hasn’t been very warm yet but that will change quickly. We’re a week away from June.  

Tuesday 26 May: Thinking about the cost of optimizing: The more you optimize, the more difficult it is to be flexible. A danger of losing resilience.

There’s an underlying principle at work here. Stress creates resilience.

— Scott Hogan, Built from Broken

On the other hand:

A nervous system that is constantly in sympathetic mode cannot hold complexity. 

— Nate Hagens, A Framework for Action (YouTube link)

Wednesday 27 May: Back to runnnning. I did a Couch ➡︎ 5K program over March and April, ended in early May. Took a few weeks off. Wasn’t sure how I’d do today but all the muscles seem to remember what to do. Now I’m pleasantly tired, my legs are sore, and I feel amazing. I kind of wish running didn’t feel so good because it’s also so goddamn awful. 

Got Rob all moved out today. 😭 It’s fine, it’s good, he’s ready, it’s great, it’s time, blah blah blah blah blah I hate it. He’s still in town, at least. 

Thursday 28 May: One of those days where there are too many things. We gotta quit with all the things. So many things. One thing then another thing. LET ME NAP.

The linden trees are blooming and they smell amazing. Also the magnolias. 

After everything, the wild went on. Of course it did.

— Moonbound, Robin Sloan

Friday 29 May: You know you are genuinely in old-person territory when sleeping till 7 feels late. Also, impossible to sleep past 7. My back has a strict time limit on when it must no longer be on a mattress. I find this upsetting and unfair.   

💜 Mara here for the weekend! 

Saturday 30 May: Hospital day. I have GOT to get better about having some sort of dinner mostly prepped on hospital days because otherwise I come home and just eat whatever I can grab like a starved maniac. Gremlin mode activates. I just stood in the kitchen shoveling stale old potato chips in my mouth for… I don’t know how long. Let’s not talk about this anymore. 

Sunday 31 May: Hiking church. Very muddy after all the rain. Delightful water sounds everywhere. 

Spontaneous tattoo time, thanks to Mara who had her tattoo stuff with her and  just casually freehand drew this design on my wrist from a couple of inspo pics I found. It’s a blackberry vine with a few tiny skulls. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

📚 Finished Moonbound by Robin Sloan. Excellent. I loved it. Cozy but in the way I want cozy to be when I try to read a cozy genre book and am inevitably disappointed (bored?). This book has the feeling I’m actually after. 

…. other things happened like I remember going to the gym at least twice? OH WAIT FUCK YEAH I PR’D BENCHPRESS BABY!! 115 POUNDS.  

That was satisfying. 

I want to write more about that Nate Hagens video which I have not finished watching but which is really good but I am too tired. 

To sum up: A week (or so) has passed, I was alive, I did things or did not do things, here we are, me and the adorable tiny skulls are ready for sleep now. 

Are these weeknotes again? Yes they are! Is this a fluke or is it a trend? Who knows! Who cares! Let’s do iiiiiittttttt.

Current situation: 

Monday 18 May: Went for a walk early, before the rain set in. I adore a rainy day. Got a lot of work done. Afternoon thing canceled due to power outage from the storm. Evening thing canceled due to it being outdoors. Busy day became cozy day. 

Did an interview for a freelance piece. Do you have questions about EoE? I might have answers¹. 

Thinking about studying but not studying. I should just study.

Tuesday 19 May: Hospital day. Walking out to my car I happened to go past a young couple leaving the hospital with their brand-new baby. Mom sitting in backseat, leaning over, looking, exhausted smile. A glimpse of tiny baby face nestled in. Dad checking and rechecking the car seat, slowly easing the door shut, hustling around to the driver’s door. A precious, unrepeatable moment I was lucky enough to observe. 

Grammar books were my books of prayer. Looking up words in the dictionary was for me an image of goodness. The endless endless task of learning new words was for me an image of life.

— A Word Child, Iris Murdoch

Wednesday 20 May: Long walk in the morning listening to podcasts. Trying to brush up on my Spanish so it doesn’t fade away entirely. I don’t think this conversational listening podcast is gonna do it but maybe it will help. 

When I can’t make a decision I’m usually overcomplicating the context and overestimating the impact.

A veces no me gusta tomar decisiones.

Thursday 21 May: Early morning meeting. Long walk. Work. Last day of school. For Lily, last day of middle school. If I squint and tilt my head I can see the light at the end of the school-parent journey. Then I start crying. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FEELINGS ALL THE TIME. 

Anyway here’s a flower.

Another Official and Exceedingly Delightful Meeting of the Cunty Bitches Book Club. We talked about books for 10 minutes. It’s fine, books aren’t even the point. 

Friday 22 May: Made shrimp and collard greens and cornbread for dinner. Mom used to boil collard greens with a ham hock. I sauté them in bacon grease. Won’t change a thing about her cornbread recipe, though. It’s perfection.

It  is all a question of weeding out what you yourself like best to do, so  that you can live most agreeably in a world full of an increasing number  of disagreeable surprises.

— The Art of Eating, M.F.K. Fisher

Saturday 23 May: Hospital day. Hit 10,000 steps by 12 but things were fairly quiet all afternoon, so only 15k total for the day.

Sunday 24 May: Hiking church. Look at this snail feasting on a downed sycamore. 

💪 Three gym sessions: push/pull/legs. Sauna every time. Benched 95 lbs, my max so far. Maybe I’ll hit 100 next week. 

👟 Four long walks and a nice hike. 

🎵 Leave Me When I Need You // Lahra

📚 Continued A Word Child by Iris Murdoch. Started The Night Watchman by Louise Erdrich. Dipped into The Art of Eating by M.F.K. Fisher. Started Moonbound by Robin Sloan. Reread a bit of Finite and Infinite Games² by James P. Carse.

🔗 I Did Not Come to This Kids Party for an AI Sermon // Justin Ribeiro 

h/t Baldur Bjarnason

The quagmire is clear; to engage with the preachers is to legitimize not  only the sermon but rather the dominant hierarchy that the viewpoint  attempts to crystalize. That hierarchy is not one of “the AI fulfills  your needs” but rather the external force that AI is is inevitable and  places a radical demand on your life—you may not want to use it, but its  placement in applications you use places demands on you. The sermon is  no different; it places a radical demand for you to engage, with someone  who is either ill-informed or worse, well-informed and willing to seek  gains at your expense.

🔗 Friction deserves a better reputation // Nicholas Bate

What costs something to produce tends to be better than something which  costs nothing. The slow letter beats the careless message every time.

I agree.³

🔗 Prepare your no and keep it handy // Derek Sivers

It’s so handy in those high-pressure moments where someone is looking  you in the eyes, asking you to do something, and awaiting your answer. No problem! You have it memorized and ready-to-go, even when unexpected. You can be kind but decisive on the spot. 

A good practice.

I leave you with this cautionary reminder:

1. Eosinophilic esophagitis. It’s becoming much more common. Caused by food allergies but the triggers aren’t obvious as symptoms/reactions build over a long period of time. The gist is if you have trouble swallowing or keeping food down, it’s not normal, get it checked out, symptoms do worsen without treatment. This is not medical advice. 

2. I can’t find anything I’ve written about this book but I know I’ve written about this book this is one of my favorite books wtf I must remedy this situation immediately

3. OMG I AM LOVING THE PIKA LINK SEARCH FEATURE 

Are these weeknotes? Yes they are! Will I do them again next week? Who knows! 

Sunday 10 May: Got home from hospital shift around 7:30pm. Exhausted, hangry. Walked into a clean tidy home, flowers and cards, and the kids cooking dinner (spring roll bowls which were so so so good). Plus! a NEW CHAIR for the balcony. We ate and talked and did that thing where you laugh so hard you cry. Then I sat on my new balcony chair & had some nice bourbon while they cleaned everything up. Anyway it was a great Mother's Night 💗

More spaces in my life for uncensored unfettered thinking. 

Less platform, more workshop. Less stage, more garage. Less producing, more tinkering. 

Tuesday 12 May: Took a sick day. Felt off, sore throat, achy yesterday. Woke up with the full experience. This was to be an uncomfortably busy day and instead I am canceling all the things I can. Left with a couple of items to do from the comfort of the couch. Hot tea. Window open. Cats sitting in the sun. Breeze and blue sky outside. If I feel enough energy I’ll take a slow walk later. 

Dreamed about being evicted. Felt very real. Woke up panicked. Relieved to realize it was a dream and I have a two-year lease. 

Wednesday 13 May: Took my chemistry final. Not as difficult as anticipated! A relief, since I didn’t study as much as planned. 

“I want you to see all kinds,” he would say to her. “I want you to realize that this whole thing is just a grand adventure. A fine show. The trick is to play in it and look at it at the same time.”

“What whole thing?”

“Living. All mixed up. The more kinds of people you see, and the more things you do, and the more things that happen to you, the richer you are. Even if they’re not pleasant things. That’s living. Remember, no matter what happens, good or bad, it’s just so much” — he used the gambler’s term, unconsciously — “just so much velvet.”

—from So Big by Edna Ferber

Denial and suffering may be good methods for undoing the old / destructing but they are not good methods for creating / constructing what you actually wish to build. 

Thursday 14 May: Still sick. Tried to do a bit of work. Mostly just rested. Feeling somewhat better but end of day.

Friday 15 May: Mara’s college graduation day. Those two years have flown by. Many feelings! So proud of her. 

Saturday 16 May: Lily’s birthday! A weekend full of celebrations.

Took her and a group of friends to one of those combo bowling / laser tag / arcade / overstimulation places. They did all the things & had fun. I got some studying done. 

But is it doable?

Sunday 17 May: Hiking church. Warm today, 70℉ when we started. Chubb Trail from West Tyson. 

It is a painful confession but the art of poetry carries its own power without having to break them down into critical listings. I do not mean that poetry should be raffish and irresponsible clown tossing off words into the void. But the very feeling of a good poem carries its own reason for being. 

…primarily Art is its own excuse, and it’s either Art or it’s something else. It’s either a poem or a piece of cheese.

—from On Writing, Charles Bukowski

💪 One gym session (Monday) before the sickness took me out Tues-Thurs, then it was A Weekend of Events. Back to our regularly scheduled program next week, I hope.

👟 A few short walks, and a nice hike. 

📺 Unfamiliar (loved it) and season 1 of The Thaw (liked it, will watch the rest). Lots of tv time with sick days.

📚 So Big by Edna Ferber (finished) and On Writing by Charles Bukowski.

🔗 The old world of tech is dying and the new cannot be born // Baldur Bjarnason

No matter the flavour of Christianity, a core idea baked into every aspect of the religion is that singular revelatory events can fundamentally change the world. There’s the “before”. Then the “event”. Then an “after” that has been completely transformed. In Christianity itself this is usually associated with Christ’s chaotic transit schedule – “He is here! He has left! He is about to arrive again! Now he’s leaving again! But he’s also somehow always been here! And not.” – but the mode of thinking is common throughout literature, philosophy, and storytelling in the Christian west.

🔗 Letting things build // Tracy Durnell

The way I often read non-fiction — snatches of twenty pages here, twenty pages there, putting a book down for two months (or two years) at a time — is not conducive to *finishing* books, but I do find it conducive to thinking. Rich texts can take a while to sink in, so I’ll jump to another book while I let the first one marinate.

🔗 You are here // Sebastian

As I approach my topics and ideas through writing—whether in the form of brief notes or by looking back when I pick up the journal and flip through its pages—a process of contextualization takes place. And that is important. For me, this is a form of metacognition: observing myself as I think and being able to analyze and categorize my thoughts “from the outside.” It doesn’t completely solve the black box problem of self-perception, nor does it eliminate the blind spot of the mind that seeks to explain itself from within itself, but it does make things a lot easier and more accessible. 

… everything.

I need to know less, but I know more. 

Trying to cultivate a life which allows me to know less while still participating in society requires me to know more and do more than simply laying back and passively allowing the unending flood of information to drown me. 

Please note that we are all being drowned.

What is it that is drowning us? 

Information and misinformation. Part of the drowning is the effort required to try to distinguish between the two. You’re trying to keep your head above water and there are waves and in order to not be pulled under by a wave you have to quickly look at it (while it’s looming larger and larger above you) and decide: Real or not real?

Looks real. Is it real? Decide! Quick!

I think it’s worth noting that when people don’t seem interested in the distinction between real and not real it may not be that they don’t care about what’s real. It may be that their capacity, their energy, their ability to distinguish is less than yours. 

And here I am. I’m adding to the information by writing this and publishing it. How do I feel about that? Weird. Really terribly weird and odd and disjointed and uncertain. Perhaps it would be better to stfu, one part of me says. 

Sometimes that is absolutely what is best. 

But not always.

I don’t know about a lot of things. I can’t have that many opinions. I can’t understand that many issues. I can’t research that many topics. And I don’t like the pressure to be certain about things. All the things, all the time. 

It’s okay to say I don’t know.

What I do know: I am real.

Here’s a vignette:

I’m on my balcony.

Of course I’m on my balcony. I love this tiny little space. I mention it. I post photos sometimes, the sunset view through power lines or my feet up on a small table that wasn’t meant to be outdoor furniture.

I can hear a kiddo inside talking to his girlfriend on the phone. The traffic, slowing but still there, on the road. The sound of neighbors as they walk in, talking softly. 

Here’s what I want to tell you. 

First, let’s imagine you’re here on the balcony too. There’s another chair. 

Let me know if you want a beverage. We have options. 

Don’t worry about the cats. I promise they won’t jump off. 

Okay.

I want to tell you that I am real and you are real and that’s enough to know right now. 

I’m in school¹ again. 

I’m going back to school because my work, my entire career, for my entire adult life, has been writing things for the Internet. That’s going away, at least as a livable career option. By livable, I mean an option I can live with. 

When I started writing for the Internet, early 2000s, I could find decent paying gigs on Craigslist. A quarter a word wasn’t uncommon. It wasn’t easy — I spent a lot of time searching and researching and answering inane qualifiers and writing samples for zero money. So we’re not talking about a pot of gold at the end of the freelance writing rainbow. But you could gather enough gold thru your efforts to make it worthwhile. 

I wasn’t pleased when SEO became a thing I had to do to keep working. I am less pleased with AI. I have been lucky and somewhat insulated for the last year or two but things change, and I can see the trend. I still have a job with a great team but already the work is shifting in a direction I do not want to go. So, I am not going. I am making a different choice. I am choosing a different direction. I am goosing it up, baby. 

I have started over several times in my life. New places, new communities, new jobs, new scenarios, new perspectives. I feel, at this point, that I have lived a few complete different lifetimes already. That’s kinda cool, even if it’s not always by choice. 

Starting over requires a lot of energy but it also a relief. Every time I start over I establish a new baseline. I get to reset. I get to peruse my space, both exterior and interior, and declutter: Throw out old junk, worn-out habits, misplaced loyalties, dusty grievances, faded beliefs. Starting over, at any scale, always means leaving things behind. You do some grieving, releasing, mud-scraping. You definitely light up the bullshit cabinet (there’s no better time really). Hopefully you also do a lot of self care.

Then you take the next step. And the next. Along the way you decide who you get to be now. 

1. Nursing school. Doing prereqs now and working weekend shift as a patient tech so I can learn hands-on too.

You’ve got to think about big things while you’re doing small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction.

— Alvin Toffler

A rule (or boundary) turns a theoretical or philosophical stance into a clearly defined behavior: Do this, and your behaviors align with your belief. Congruence. 

Do that, and you miss it. Conflict. 

Internal conflict doesn't feel good.

Break dumb rules. Break arbitrary small rules (or don’t). Break rules that exist only to create convenience for one group of people. Break rules that are immoral even if they’re not illegal. Whenever you can, break rules that exist only to uphold a system. It’s important.

Don’t break the rules that define who you are…

…Unless that’s not who you want to be anymore. 

Break all the rules that define who you are if you didn’t choose them, don’t want them, or don’t like how they fit anymore.

Break ‘em all the time. Break them into pieces. Be prepared for a breakdown of your existing self too, since that’s what you’re doing.  Reconfiguring yourself is tough work and you’ll need to have naps and sometimes a small tantrum. 

Is there a rule in your heart that says you should feel the pain and bear the responsibility of things outside your control?

This is a good rule to break.

Break it now. Try it. Go ahead. Tough, huh? Feelings don’t cooperate with commands. They follow patterns, well-worn grooves. You have to keep at it for a while. You have to give yourself a new mantra and repeat it. You have to let your feelings be whatever they are and say, Okay that’s fine, yes, I hear you, ouch it sure does hurt! And then carry on about your business and remind yourself that feeling bad doesn’t change reality, so it’s okay to pay less attention to those bad feelings. Maybe over time they get quieter. Try it out, see what happens.

I am against the pattern we seem to have developed as an intelligent but oh so emotional people of feeling bad as a way of bearing responsibility. 

I am against it because it’s nonsense. Nothing changes in the world because I feel bad about it. The bomb doesn’t reroute into an uninhabited wasteland. The layoffs don’t reverse. The cancer doesn’t curl up and wither away. The bullet doesn’t retreat into the gun. 

So this is a dumb rule and one worth breaking. Feeling bad about bad things doesn’t make you a good person. But it does drain your energy so there’s not much left for action. 

That’s interesting, isn’t it? 

Maybe there’s a better rule to put in place. 

Once you have determined the spiritual principles you wish to exemplify, abide by these rules as if they were laws.

— Epictetus