AnnieModify

There are a lot of support needs in life. That's great. We all need and help each other.

What's not great is when the support needs turn you into support staff. The needs take all your time. They come first in the priority list. And your core activities, the things that are you and that you do for yourself, get shoved to last place which, inevitably, becomes not at all.

Martyrdom may have its place but it’s not a great way to live.

Sometimes we don’t know how to exit a support staff role because we feel disloyal. We feel guilty. We've filled the role for so long, and now it's expected of us. If we walk away, Oh the drama. The suffering we will cause. The dependencies we will break.

We think if we say, "There are more important things for me to do,"
then we are saying to all the people we love and support that they are not important and they do not matter.

However, that’s not true.

You’re not sending a "You're unimportant" message by default when you define what is most important to you.

You’re choosing to respect and support yourself the way you have already been respecting and supporting others. If they have any respect for you, they will offer their encouragement and support as you step toward what's important for you.

If they respond with resentment and resistance, they don't respect you as an equal. They see you as support staff. 

• Being supportive: Caring about people, keeping your commitments, incorporating  kindness into how you live, helping when you can, choosing gentleness and graciousness over anger and impatience.

is not the same as

• Being support staff: Subordinating your needs and priorities to others’, making your life choices based on what others demand, pouring your own energy and time into the well-being of others at the expense of your own.

That's an enormous difference, but that difference isn't taught, is it?

Or, worse, the latter option is taught as the right way.  The kind way. The family way. The good way. The Biblical way.¹ The moral way. 

Many stories in society teach us that people are fundamentally different in the roles they’re meant to have. The narrative goes like this: some people are meant for hero roles² and some people are meant for support staff roles. Everyone is happiest when they stick to the role they’re meant for! Those in the hero roles get to live out their individual destiny, go after their prime objectives³, pursue their passions, make history, you know, stuff like that. Those in support staff roles get to do the boring stuff but that’s okay! Because they actually like it better and they’re happier and more fulfilled doing the supportive stuff.

None of us are immune to the impact of narratives. Stories matter. Stories help us make sense of the world. Stories help us figure out where we fit in, and we all want to know that. Stories help us predict outcomes. Stories help us survive. 

Whether we want to admit or not, we’re influenced by the stories we grow up with, the stories that surround us. 

When you grow up with a story telling you that you’re meant to be a hero, you develop expectations. Assumptions. Behaviors. Ways of seeing and being.

When you grow up with a story telling you that you’re meant to be support staff, you develop expectations. Assumptions. Behaviors. Ways of seeing and being.

The expectation that you will always receive support becomes entitlement.

The expectation that you will always provide support becomes obligation. 

When someone who feels entitled gets together with someone who feels obligated, well: It’s a perfect match. The pieces fit. The sad warped little pieces fit just right and form a sad warped gross unhealthy little connection. 

This connection happens in all sorts of encounters and interactions. Romantic partners, friends, work colleagues, community groups, so on. It can be obvious or it can be subtle; it can be deliberate or unconscious. My belief is that it is always damaging.

There's some truth in every lie that lasts. That's why it's so hard to fight against the really long-lasting lies.

The truth buried in this twisted narrative is simple: We all are meant to support one another. At different times, in various ways, as we have skills and inclination and resources and empathy, we are all capable of and benefited by serving and supporting others.

It’s called community.

In community: We offer support from love, not obligation. We receive support with gratitude. We are all heroes, and we all get to help each other.

The way we support others and the way we are supported by others is not solved by any universal formula or methodology. We have to work it out, all the time. Seasons of life, capabilities, relationships, circumstances: All of these change. With those changes, there is a natural ebb and flow of support needed or given or received. It takes humility and openness and curiosity to let ourselves adjust, to release patterns, to accept changes, to flow. 

But we can do it. 

1. That’s especially odd, since if Jesus had lived as support staff he would never have completed his mission; he'd have been too busy pursuing political power (for his disciples) and healing people (really helpful for sick people) and raising the dead (a great kindness for those who don’t want to be dead yet) and going around being a Nice Guy Doing Good Things to Help and Support All the People Who Really Need Him.

2. Traditionally this role has been limited to well-offish white men, huh. Whaddya know.

3. The biggest most important prime objectives are often presented as a unifying cause for those in hero roles to pursue jointly. The labels change, from manifest destiny to nationalism to, ohhhh, project 2025, but the idea is never new: Give the heroes an enemy to fight, control anyone who resists, accumulate property, hoard wealth, and subdue any lingering other-ness, as violently as needed.

Have you noticed there are a lot of dumb little decisions to make? Have you also noticed that most of these decisions, while dumb, are not necessarily easy? There’s not an obvious answer. Sometimes there’s an obvious “I should” feeling, but I have a heavy distrust of shoulds. 

So I’ve been using this little matrix. 

Example: “OH NO. I have recently learned that XYZ tool/software is controlled by an absolute shitpile of a person! I do not like this! What should I do?”

This is a case of the Obvious Should. As in, obviously you should stop using it!

And, yeah: I’d rather not use anything created by a shitpile-person. I don’t want my money to support more shit being added to the pile. 

However: There are so many things to do. Have you noticed this? Everything keeps happening, all the time. While the Obvious Should might be the ideal move, I can’t forget all the other stuff there is that needs my attention. And I can’t forget that I myself, a human being with needs and wants and feelings and relationships and something called sleep debt, apparently, am a limited creature. This does frustrate me endlessly. The ideal version of me can do everything, gracefully and well. The ideal version of me does not need this dumb little matrix. 

But here we are, stuck with the less-than-ideal version of me in the less-than-ideal world, filled with numerous small and large decisions.

So I like to bring the Obvious Should to the matrix of impact & effort: How much effort would it take? How much impact would it have? 

• If it’s low-effort, high-impact: GREAT. I’LL DO IT. 

• If it’s high-effort, low-impact: PASS. 

• If it’s somewhere in the middle: I’ll put in on my list of Things That Would Be Nice To Do. And when I have time to tackle stuff on that list, I tackle it. 

I won’t sacrifice my sanity, well-being, sleep, time with people I love, time doing things I love, the quality of my work, or the care needed to keep my life functioning for an Obvious Should. Because the Should is often not so Obvious. The Should may have value, but it also has cost. The Should may align with my beliefs, but it may not align with my capacity.

I’m not sharing this in response to any specific bit of news. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.

I also use the matrix in a slightly different way. Instead of high or low impact, I think about negative or positive impact. 

There are a lot of low-effort tasks and activities I can do, like reading a book, scrolling social feeds, watching a show, checking the news, texting a friend, reading blogs, listening to music, sharing a photo, scribbling a dumb little box in my notebook. 

Which ones have a positive impact, and which have a negative impact? 

I can’t answer that question for anyone else, but I can answer it for myself.

Sometimes it’s a bit difficult to determine negative vs positive impact. When it’s not apparent, having a standard is helpful. A personal standard. Then you can judge the impact by its effect on the standard: Does X activity make it easier or harder for me to meet Z standard? Sometimes things that seem good, that are helpful or positive in many cases, have a negative effect on what you’re aiming for personally. 

I did some of what I wanted to do and completely missed on other things. This was a nice focus for the month. 

I’m really glad small cypress came up with the Small Web July challenge/invitation.

It was a nice way to recalibrate, shift my focus, and put more attention into habits I want to cultivate and less energy into habits that aren’t great for me. 

My personal guidelines were to blog more, read and respond to blogs more, finish a couple of projects, and stay on track with my physical goals.  

Blogging more: Not as much as I envisioned, but I’m always waaaaaay too optimistic when I set personal goals. Anyway, I got 9 posts out there and I’m happy about that. 

Reading & responding to blogs more: I did a lot more blog reading. Not so much responding! Oh well! Maybe this month. 

Projects: I got an iPad set up for blog reading & small web browsing. I find myself reaching for it often when I don’t feel quite up to a book but don’t want to mindlessly scroll. It’s a sweet spot and I’m liking it. I also got my little notes garden going, very much in an as-is state, but that’s okay. (It’s OKAY! GET IT???? BECAUSE THE DOMAIN???)

Physical goals: The 2nd week of July hit with a vengeance of fatigue, so instead of pushing myself I R E S T E D. Amazing. What a concept: Listening to your body and nurturing your wellness instead of punishing yourself for being human. I think I’m maturing as a person. Anyway, the remainder of July went well. I got my steps in most days (aiming for 12k/day) and lifted weights 3-4 times each week. Not to brag but I added 20 lbs to my squat so now I have a big plate AND a little plate on each side of the bar. Also, wow, all these years of learning to ignore imposter syndrome as a writer is really paying off when I go to the gym. It’s not imposter syndrome at the gym, it’s reality: I actually have no idea what I’m doing! But turns out ignoring the sensation of being inept is about the same as ignoring your actual ineptitude, so the skill transfers nicely.

I know Blaugust is happening this month and I’ll enjoy reading along as people post and share. I’m not  up for taking on another challenge myself. I think I’ll just keep my personal Small Web July guidelines going for a while.  :) 

Summer reading: Escapism served hot and fresh. Now I’m off to buy myself a hot and fresh personal pan pizza because baby, I earned it.  

Coup de Grace by Sofia Ajram

TW: Suicide, depression

Short, mind-bendy, horror-ish? But, I dunno, I wasn’t horrified. There were definite Ew gross horror nasty scenes and the whole setup is horror-y but it felt more like a sad psychological trip into desperation represented by the ew-gross things and the whole, um, plot. Maybe I just wasn’t in the right mood. I liked it? But also I’m not sure I liked it in the way it is supposed to be liked? If that makes sense. 

No Exit by Taylor Adams

TW: Child hurt/in danger

Easy read, thriller. A bit of a twist but it’s not really about the twist, it’s more about how in the heckin heck will they survive? Some pretty gruesome scenes. I can’t watch that kind of thing on tv but I can read it fine.  

The Dawning of Muirwood trilogy by Jeff Wheeler

The Druid, The Hunted, The Betrayed

Zoomed through the first, strolled through the second, and kind of plodded through the third. Your enjoyable basic fantasy with magic, threatening evil, a rising-from-poverty heroine and a nice cast of characters.

The Murderbot Diaries (3) by Martha Wells

All Systems Red, Artificial Condition, Rogue Protocol

Started watching the show and realized I’d never read the books? Could have sworn I did. Maybe I did and just completely forgot. That does happen. Anyway, I like these. Currently reading the 4th novella (Exit Strategy).

Hearts of Oak by Eddie Robson

I read this one in March but forgot to include it, oops, so here it is. Anyway, I loved it. This was a random library pick and what an absolute delight. A quirky, thoughtful, funny but deep (also, short) scifi adventure. Read it. 

Anyway I loved it so much I immediately grabbed Robson’s other two novels: Drunk on All Your Strange New Words and Tomorrow Never Knows.

Enjoyed both, especially Drunk on All Your Strange New Words. I hope Robson will write more novels. 

Space Deputy and Space Rodeo by Jenny Schwartz

Absolute easy-read scifi escapism. Kept me entertained. Homey, hopeful, fun. 

Stars Die by Jenny Schwartz

Magic and family ties. A decent fantasy for escaping the current reality, but not enough to pull me back for the rest of the series.  

Emergency Skin by N.K. Jemisin

I love Jemisin. This “novelette” (wth is a novelette) isn’t as gripping as her novels but still a great read. 

The Inheritors by William Golding

I don’t know. I liked a lot about this book but also it just made me depressed. I probably should have expected as much from the guy who wrote Lord of the Flies.

Nightchaser by Amanda Bouchet

Our community pool has a little book cart with discarded library books. I happened to grab this one and honestly did not expect to like it, because look at the cover: 

Anyway, I liked it! So that was a pleasant surprise. Tropes, yes. But like, they were done well enough I was entertained rather than annoyed. I liked the characters mostly. Plus I love a feisty little resistance standing their ground against galactic evil.

No one stood out any more than I did, and I realized that we’d all perfected the art of blending in and avoiding notice. Maybe Hourglass Mile had nothing to do with it, because the whole galaxy was a freaking jail. Not everyone needed bars to be locked up, and what I saw around me was evidence of entire populations falling into complacency for the sake of personal peace. 

I liked it enough to read another by Bouchet, A Promise of Fire. It’s a fantasy romance which my Kindle history tells me I already read several years ago but thanks to my ability to completely forget things I have read, I was able to read it again for the first time. Anyway, it was fine and I’ll keep Bouchet on tap for pure escapism reading which I find myself turning to a lot lately.

Heart of Mist by Helen Scheuerer

Another fantasy. I liked the world-building, I liked most of the characters, I got annoyed with our main girl, the bitterly self-pitying and alcoholic Bleak, who needs a solid kick in the arse. In fact, she gets several but they don’t seem to have much of an effect. I love a flawed (and female) main character but I do need them to show some personal growth over the course of, I don’t know, multiple life-changing events. Anyway, it ended on a cliffhanger and I’m down to give the next book a chance to see if Bleak gets her shit together or not. 

The Half-Lived Life by John Lee

This book could have been a blog post. I use that phrase so much for nonfiction. I should switch to an acronym maybe. #TBCHBABP

Some good stuff. I took some notes. I found some helpful bits. Also, I scanned large chunks of text with illustrative anecdotes or just bland restatement of the thing that had already been said. This book also falls prey to the Just Do It! mode of instruction/advice, in which the writer tells you what to do and then, instead of telling you how to do it, just tells you what to do again, in slightly different words. 

However, this book’s greatest sin is quoting from Gary Chapman’s vomit-inducing Five Love Languages, non-ironically. 🤮 Gross. Fuck right off with that bullshit. 

Dealing with Uncertainty by Laurie Bowman

DNF. I liked the explanation of tools and models for decision-making. It’s very corporate-y, which is yuck and all the examples are like How Can Company Y Expand in Z Sector When Facing ABC Market Uncertainties? Who cares. Anyway I just skimmed the annoying bits till about page 100, when Bowman declares that companies are shifting toward conscious capitalism and sustainability and considering their “ethical impact” and then cites BlackRock as an example of this exemplary corporate behavior. Hahahahh WOW bye. I’m not even linking to this one. 

(Side note: I thought perhaps Bowman wrote this book in a simpler, more hopeful time which would kind of partially explain these amazingly dumb takes about corporate goodness. Um, no. Published in 2025.) 

Let there be lapses
Weeds in the garden, unswept porches,
A walk never taken,
A flower unnoticed,
Missed bill, missed text, missed appointment.

Let there be undone things
Half-written sentences never finished
A stack of books never read
Blank pages, unseen lines
Words never seen or heard or spoken.

Let there be glory in what-is-not —
All the unachieved
Unbelieved
Underserved
Overlooked.
Let us glory in these.

Let there be errors
Not just the tiny ones we can laugh away
But enormous, life-altering errors.
Huge risks taken which do not end well.
Huge efforts made which result in what we call failure.
(In fairness,
Any effort is success in certain realities.)
But let us — for a moment — judge by the world of machines,
Of binaries
Of industrialized morality
And call it failure.

Failure is the word we assign to all unexpected outcomes.

So, let there be failure.
Let failure warp our seeing and diminish our being,
Let it ride among us waving a torch,
Shame-blasting and guilt-smearing,
Blinding us with ridiculously disproportional fiery judgment,
Grinding nose to dirt
Binding self to work.

Let there be mistakes which make us weep
Keep us awake at night
Cause us to question our sanity, our decency,
Our right to be here,
Our ability to keep being here.

Let there be broken edges
Sawed-off pieces we cannot smooth down
Pointy bits irritating and upsetting
Dangling splinters and shards over chasms of regret.

Let there be surrender.
Let us call it what it is: giving up.
Surrender sounds too noble,
Enlightened, as if I didn’t have to but I chose to.
That’s not what this is.

Let there be quitting.
Let there be Done.
Not because we see what we have made, and it is good.
This is not putting a bow on a gift.
This is saying some things are too broken to be fixed.

Let there be giving up.

Lay down there, lay down, be still, give up.
Face in the mud, breathing in, wheezing in the stuff of life, the dirt,
The lowly dirt, the trudged-upon dirt, the worthless dirt
From which we came and to which we all return.
Let us lay there, breathing in this dirt,

This pure self
This known self
This elemental self.

Hell yes, failure. I embrace you.

Brother! Sister! Mother! Father!
Come quickly! Come and rejoice, for I have failed!
Come and celebrate!
Set out the feast!
Call the guests!
And enter into the joy of your child:

Humanity raw
Humanity broken
Humanity dirty
Humanity ill-fitted to survive
Humanity traumatized
Humanity doing such a fucked-up job of it
Humanity violent and stumbling
Humanity bruised and crusted at the edges
Humanity clawing its way from the dark tunnel of history
Humanity side-eyeing the stars while blood drips from our fingers
Humanity bargaining for the right to squirm
Humanity bringing a sword to a gunfight
Humanity bullshitting
Humanity asking clever little questions
Humanity dressed in robes, obsessed with ovaries
Humanity unhinged and in charge
Humanity waving exasperated hands in the air
Humanity dishing out pieces of pie
Humanity weeping at the sight of spring flowers
Humanity with big rough hands so careful so gentle holding a tiny new fragile thing
Humanity with smooth precise hands making deals, ending lives
Humanity dropping bombs
Humanity being a big dumb bully
Humanity the most awkward of the species
Humanity voted most likely to secede from the planet
Humanity pointing and saying look at this! wow!
Humanity wondering, always wondering
Humanity exhausted sitting in a patch of sunlight
Being dirt.

Dirt with form, dirt with spirit.

Pale faces float through quiet rooms, ghostly fingers flutter in hallways. Pens move across expensive paper. Golden liquid sloshes in crystal while murmuring voices ooze and wind and hush and tell us there is nothing to worry about. 

But this is no time to be civilized. 

Let there be lapses:
Lapses of courtesy, lapses of decorum.
Failures of politeness.
Refusals to conform.
Let there be a wildness ringing in us for each other —
Hissing, bared teeth, spitting —
Reverberating, thrumming, cracking the marble palaces full of dead men’s bones.

When little trends roll around the blogging world that I’m not into, I ignore them.  People get to do things. I don’t need to be part of it. I can put my attention elsewhere. I don’t need to express my opinion of everything.

I am breaking that personal rule because this trend has spread from the blogging world to the world of face-to-face conversations. As I see it, I now have two options: 1) Projectile vomit on the next person who attempts this in conversation or 2) Blog about it. Maybe if I were a stronger, better person I could find some third or fourth option. Too bad. Here we are. 

So, um, listen: 

I care about you but I do not care about the hallucinating robot and I do not care what specific combination of words it glommed up from the dark reaches of Scrapelandia and cobbled together into seeming-sense and bracketed between the servile, saccharine phrasings of a pretend personality and spewed onto the screen at you. 

I like your personality. I like the stuff you make and do. I like how you see the world. I care about your thoughts and feelings. I want to see your imperfect output and your unfinished projects. I’m into your insights and your mundane observations. I care about your art and I enjoy your dumb jokes and I’m curious about your music taste and I want to hear your hot takes. 

But I do not care about the plagiarizing pretend bot or what it told you about your personality or ideas or business or art or future or whatever.

I don’t think AI is the devil. But I know that AI is not your friend. Or your coach. Or your therapist. Or your business partner. Or your dev team. Or your editor. It cannot know and it cannot think and it cannot feel and it cannot even summarize properly.

It is a tool, a piece of tech. It has its uses. 

But it’s not you, it’s not anything like you. It’s not interesting. It’s not alive.

I don’t care about its feedback or opinion or observations because it literally cannot produce any of those things. It is a glorified search engine cobbling together random bits of knowledge from what humans have actually produced, arranging it into a facsimile of conversation. That can be useful but it is not interesting. 

What are you having for dinner? How will you prepare it? How did it turn out? Did you like it? Will you have it again? How much garlic did you use? (Use more next time, trust me.) I care about that. Tell me. But I don’t care what your refrigerator thinks about your dinner selection. And I don’t care what a chatbot says about you.